Life is weird.

Feb
10
2012

Oh hay just posing at a fast food BBQ joint, no big deal. Instagram @apocalypstick

This going to sound like the musings of an incredibly stoned person, who is in bed eating Trader Joe’s snack mix while watching “Breaking Bad” but having to constantly rewind because they’re ironically too high to understand it, but I swear I am not stoned. Currently.

Life is so very weird. For example, I now both drink and enjoy iced coffee. You get what I’m saying? Big news. Life is weird, it’s like, one minute you’re the hottest bestest newest thing and the next minute you’re fat and bald and starring in a remake of The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3. You know? The weird thing about life is that things don’t seem to change day by day. You wake up and think, I have to do this same stuff again. But when you think really far back, there was a time when you weren’t doing that stuff. Somehow everything changed. And look at your friends, what are they up to? One minute they’re there, the next minute they’re gone, or sick, or incredibly famous. Usually all three, if you live in LA. Life is weird.

A lot has changed for me within the past year. A complete turn around. I even look different physically, in that I have never looked more like Mick Jagger in my life. And my stomach is constantly upset. I think it’s because beneath my skin is a fine layer of stress. Someone suggested I meditate. Sit in a chair and set a timer for 10 minutes and just sit there and breathe. I’m sorry, sir, but no. I can’t sit in a chair for 10 minutes and do nothing. I’ll just be thinking about the timer going off. I’ll start with one minute. Even that seems really hard. Heating up Hot Pockets in the microwaves seems to take hours.

I should eat less Hot Pockets.

I just want to know what’s going to happen. Where will I be next year? Actually, no, that’s too far ahead. Where will I be next month? Can someone spoiler alert my life? I don’t have time for this shit. I don’t want the journey, I want the destination. Fuck the journey, the journey sucks. No one on the Oregon Trail was like, “This is so awesome how we’re running out of food and dying of dysentery, it’s all gonna go downhill once we get there.”

Kids, help.

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I suck at everything.

Jan
25
2012

http://instagr.am/p/fOkZe/

Good news, everyone! I suck at everything! I want to cry and throw things and scream and laugh all at the same time, but I can’t. And you know why? Because I suck!

I usually talk about how even when things suck you have to find a way out because the more you say and believe they suck, the more they will.

SUCK SUCK SUCK EVERYTHING SUCKS I DON’T CARE, COME AT ME UNIVERSE. WITH YOUR MAGIC SUNSETS. I DARE YOU. Throw a sunset in my face, see if I give a fuck. I don’t. Spoiler alert GONE because I just said it. I DON’T GIVE A FUUUUU

How many times have I written that it’s okay to feel bad and it’s okay to suck as long as you realize it and then you can rise above it? So why can’t I? I am terrible at taking my own advice.

It’s so much easier to suck at everything than to try hard at anything.

The frightening truth is that I am not happy or okay with who I am, and I may never be. I was drifting along, like a plastic bag in the LA River, when I felt hate and loathing slowly pulse throughout my veins. For myself. People are like, “Shut up so many people would love to have your life” and I’m like, “So what who cares” and they’re like “You’re acting like a child” and I’m like “Nu uh I’m an adult” and then my mom hangs up the phone.

WILL SOMEONE HOLD ME?

I keep trying to work on my book. I take one step forward and two vodka shots back. It’s hard! It’s hard you guys! And what’s the point, anyway? Who cares? “I would rather watch somebody buy their underwear than read a book they wrote.” – Andy Warhol (true story).

There are so many people out there who are so much better than I am. And by better, I mean famous.

Guys life is hard. These are worse than White Girl Problems. These are Apocalypstick Problems. Or even Uncle Almie Problems.

Why do you suck?

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Vicodin with apple juice and graham crackers.

Jan
20
2012

audrey hepburn funny face photo

Yesterday started out like the day before it and the day before that and the day before that. I was getting ready for work. I was buttoning my shirt when all of a sudden I heard a crack and pain shot through my neck. I couldn’t move my head, even the slightest. The pain was unbearable. I managed to get to my bed where I laid down for an hour and a half, because I couldn’t move. So of course my cat Obo decided to sit on my chest.

I was scared. I knew I needed help. I called my mom. I am so lucky that she lives here. I persuaded my mom to come over. By the time she got here I was surrounded by two cats and I dog who would not leave me alone. My mom tried to get me to move but the pain was so bad I started crying. Finally I realized that I had to go to the hospital, and this was terrible news.

This meant I had to waste a really cute outfit.

We get to the hospital and damn, what a nice hospital. UCLA hospital is like a really nice hotel. We had to wait about an hour but in that time the kindest nurse I have ever met (Hi Nadia!) saw me and said, “You look like you’re in a lot of pain. You’re so pale. Would you like a Vicodin and some juice and crackers?” JOKE’S ON HER I ALWAYS LOOK PALE. No but seriously. Then later we get into a room and wait some more. And I get more pain killers! The doctor comes in and examines me and determines that there are no broken bones and that I have torn a large muscle in my neck. Ew. They run some tests. They send me on my merry way. Merry because I was so high.

And here I am. In pain. In bed.

Now here’s the thing. There are people who look at a situation like this and think, “Bummer, that sucks.” Then there are people who see this and look for the meaning in it. Why did this happen? Karma? Or is it a message that I need to slow down?

My cynical side really wants to roll my eyes at my spiritual side. But lately I feel like it can’t hurt (pun not intended) to look at things from a view different from my own. Who was it who said, “The unexamined life is not worth living”? Probably Neil Patrick Harris.

Has something weird and/or traumatic happen to you that made you wonder if there was a deeper meaning behind it?

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How to have fun at parties.

Jan
17
2012

ann-margret

There’s the obvious answer: get drunk. But sometimes you don’t want to drink. Like…uh…when you already feel nauseous! Or you’re pregnant (ew). Or you’re allergic. Or someone is paying you not to. Yeah, those are pretty much the only situations where you wouldn’t drink at a party.

In this scenario you have fallen under one of those situations, you poor soul. So what do you do to keep things interesting? I have some ideas.

Make up things about your life. It’s not lying if you’re joking inside. Here are some answers I’ve used in the past to the dreaded question, “What do you do?”

— “I’m Sharon Stone’s personal assistant. I mostly get her dry cleaning and go with her parties. Helps her feel young again.”

— “I work at a zoo.” (“Doing what?”) “Animal stuff.”

— “I am the Internet.”

Feel free to adopt these!

Instagram the shit out of everything. I accidentally addicted to Instagram (follow me @apocalypstick.) By taking artsy bullshit photos you force yourself to have fun and force those following you to see how much fun you’re having. I promise you that you will not be the only swine on Instagram at that party. And who cares? You’re sassy.

Take control over the music. As a host, there is nothing more annoying than someone hijacking your ipod/record player/DJ/string quartet but as a guest, there is nothing more annoying than rubbish music. Here are some classic jams that everyone secretly loves to get the party swinging :

— “Kiss From A Rose” by Seal.

— “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey. If you play the Glee version, just get the fuck out.

— anything Stevie Wonder.

— “Get What You Give” by New Radicals.

— “Save Tonight” by Eagle Eye Cherry.

Think, “would this make a good story?” and if the answer is yes, do it. Basically, standing awkwardly without speaking to anyone does not make a good story.

 

Try these and report back.

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