Take Note From Katy Perry.

katy perryPhoto by Ali Szubiak.

Two things most people know about Katy Perry: her left boob and her right boob. That is a damn shame. Katy Perry (formerly Katheryn Hudson) went from a sort of indie folk singer-songwriter complete with Zooey D dresses and acoustic guitar, and a powerful voice, to a spandex dress wearing, teenage dreaming, definition of pure giddy pop. Yes. Non-believers, watch:

 


 

But, Just Like Gaga (lest we forget that she too started as a folkie gal with a piano), she reinvented herself to be relevant and make money. And what the hell is so bad about that? Wouldn’t you do the same?

Why do people hate Katy Perry and pop music in general? Pop music will live forever. It’s fun but it can be unexpected. It influences fashion. And oh the great Halloween costumes that come from it! Like this:

 Where was this costume last year?? By the way that’s supposed to be a Rihanna costume behind her. Change the wig, lost the skirt, and you got a Gaga costume.

How smart is she to recognize that her fans dressed like her at her concerts and should make a Halloween costume for the masses, so that all DIY challenged fans could dress like Katy? How smart indeed. Some would say diabolical. Others would say that her managers and such pushed her to do it. Well duh, everyone has managers and lawyers and etc. But some pop artists have more control than others, and I bet that Katy is one of them. She knows her fans. She interacts with them on her personal twitter that, for better or worse, is written by her and her only.

Her record company was adamant in keeping ‘I Kissed A Girl’ off her debut album. Katy fought for it. Girl has great instincts. And that wasn’t a fluke. “Katy Perry is the first woman to have five #1 songs from one album on the billboard charts. She’s tied with Michael Jackson.” (source). Could a total idiot strike lightning five times? She knows her image and she knows her crowd. She can get slimed on at the Kids Choice awards with as much enthusiasm of being on the cover of Vanity Fair. In that issue she said,

“I don’t care what people say about my relationship; I don’t care what they say about my boobs.

People are buying my songs; I have a sold-out tour. I’m getting incredible feedback from my music…I don’t take anything for granted. There are 500 other girls right behind me. And I know that, because I was one of them. I remember what it’s like to be someone who’s always trying to get there — sending out tons of e-mails — trying to connect with some person who could connect me to some other person. And I wouldn’t be working at this pace now if I didn’t truly know that fame is fleeting.”

She gets it. She has fun but she also works her ass off. She parodies herself in her videos and gives Rebecca Black a cameo. That’s a crazy smart thing to do considering that Rebecca Black is one of the most talked about “artists” right now. How many pop stars do you know whose songs are sung by Stephen Colbert and Jimmy Fallon on national tv?

Does she contradict herself at times? Yes. Did she wear some really silly outfits at the most recent VMA awards in perhaps an attempt to Gaga it up? Maybe. Did she try to go too artsy with her “E.T.” music video? I’m sure of it. But she also got Kanye on that track. Kanye!

And then she’ll defy your expectations and take her biggest pop hit and turn it into a jazzy “whoa-what-the-hell-is-this-(in a good way).”

So leave her alone. If you think about it, there really isn’t a big difference between Lady Gaga and Katy Perry. I think one of them even wrote songs for the other one, when they were starting out. Both sing amazing pop songs while dressed as Bjork. There is nothing wrong with liking Katy Perry.

Say it with me: “There is nothing wrong with liking Katy Perry.”

I like Katy Perry and I like David Bowie. You can like pop music and classic rock. The two are not mutually exclusive. So don’t be ashamed. And don’t be hateful. Either way, she’s doing really, really well for herself. And how about you?

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Mens’ Looks That I Enjoy.

My last post on mens’ clothing fashion prompted me to write this post. I think I made it clear that I do not appreciate this wave of “hipster fashion” (whatever that means to you) but as one reader suggested, I DO NOT, DO NOT, DO NOT, enjoy “bro” fashion. How dare you, madam. Don’t even jest.

Here are some looks for men that I enjoy:

men fashionBlazer, tee, jeans, watch. Simple. Refined. Not hipster.

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Mens’ clothing choices.

the prisonerA few posts ago I talked about womens’ clothing trends and my opinions (I pretty much hate everything.) Let’s talk about men this time. Some men make the following looks work. Some. But I even urge those lucky few to switch it up.

Gentlemen. Please explain this to me. Why do you wear these things?

Skinny jeans. Yeah, I said it. Skinny jeans are played out. I cannot even handle them anymore. I used to be the biggest skinny jean supporter. But then everyone started wearing them. And now everyone looks stupid. Especially when you tuck your shirt into them. What the hell are you thinking. You are not Freddie Mercury. You are not one of the 1960s Rolling Stones. But God knows you’re trying. Stop it. Just stop it. You may want to have children one day.

Boat shoes. One day I looked down and realized that all guys my age were wearing my dad’s exact pair of shoes. Do you want to kill a lady boner? Wear her dad’s shoes.

Shorts at an awkward length. Are these capris? Are you going for an Audrey Hepurn Funny Face look? What the hell are you doing? Either wear shorts or pants but don’t wear pants that suddenly change their mind and become shorts. You look like a penguin.

Mustaches. I think you shouldn’t wear a mustache unless you’re over 40. Especially one that looks like a prop for your pirate costume. Again, stop ruining Freddie Mercury’s memory. He doesn’t deserve this.

V-neck shirts. Let me explain this one. Some V-neck shirts are fine. It’s when you get really, really low cut that I start to have problems. I don’t need to see all that. I feel like I walked in on you midway through getting dressed. Wear a dickie if you have to.

The Napoleon Dynamite look. You know what I mean? Comically large glasses, an ironic tee shirt, colorful slacks. There are people who actually dress this way because God love them they don’t know better. You know better. And when you know better, you do better. Stop fucking around.

Suspenders. The first few guys who did this were admired; the rest of you should be ashamed.

Bow ties with short sleeved shirts. My eyes.

Fedoras. I might be able to excuse this if you’re wearing a suit. Might be. Then I get the whole Frank Sinatra/Don Draper vibe. But never with jeans. Hot tip: once Justin Timberlake wears something you need to accept that it’s over.

Unkempt beards. Cat Stevens did it, you’re not Cat Stevens, trim that shit.

Cuffed jeans. Cuffed jeans are only acceptable if you are wading in the ocean. Otherwise, un-cuff your goddamn pants.

 

What style trends for men bother you? Do you agree or disagree with my choices? Holla at me.

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Mirror Error.

I hate my stupid face.

I am not fishing for compliments. The point of this post is not to get comments like, “BUT OMG YOU’RE SO PRETTY!!!” or “LOL YEAH U R UGLY” or anything in between. The point is that you’re floating along in a cloudland where everything is great and you feel good about your cloudlife and then you see yourself on cloudfilm and you’re horrified and then it rains.

If it’s not one thing it’s another, right?

I’ve struggled with my looks my entire life. No wait, that’s not really true. I loved my looks up until puberty. Then my body said, “Hey this was fun, but LOL BYE” and then I got into an accident that messed up my nose and then everything just got worse. I fixed my nose but I realized a few days ago that I will never, ever be happy with it. I will never be happy with my body and I will wish for the days when I had the rail thin figure I had when I was twelve. And that’s sick. And I know that. One thing I’ve learned to like are my freckles on the bridge of my nose. I used to cover them with foundation until they disappeared. I thought that made me look older. But really it just made me look less interesting. (And for the rude person on twitter who commented that it looks like I have sun damage, I’ll have you know that some of those are blackheads.)

It’s not terrible. It’s not like I can’t look in mirrors. It’s not like I think I am a horrendous looking thing. But something happened to my face. It’s just different now. With every day I get closer and closer to looking like Mick Jagger. Sometimes my face gets so full and round that once when I uploaded a video to YouTube one of their suggested tags was “chipmunk.” Which, actually, is pretty hilarious.

I found a photo of how I looked my first year in college and I felt like I looked so much prettier and I got really sad but then something good was on the Internet so I got distracted. I think it was an article on Cracked.

Me, left, back in the days when people said I looked like Scarlett Johansson.

Look, I know. “Wah wah Almie/Apocalypstick, this is a stupid post and you’re an idiot and there are people dying around the world and you should focus on more important things” to which I say, you must be new. But hey, I’m allowed to feel down on myself. We all are. How can we not? We have images of celebrities that are so photoshopped that when we see candid photos of them we think, “Wow they’re so fat/short/etc.” No, they’re not. Everything is fucked up. That’s the problem. It’s like everyone is wearing a different pair of prescription lenses. Which, uh, I guess people are, because not everyone has perfect vision. But you get my point.

What do you think are your flaws? What don’t you like about your appearance and if money weren’t an issue, would you change it?

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I’m Breezy!

apocalypstick phil collins tee

I am a much calmer person lately. Look at how breezy I am! People ask, “How are you so breezy? Can I be breezy?” Yes, yes you can be breezy! BREEZY! Now let’s whisper it: breezy. Here is my how to guide on how to be breezy:

1. Don’t take peoples’ opinions for fact.

2. But be respectful.

3. If someone says something you find ridiculous or don’t agree with, approach the situation with a calm kindness. And then in your head you can just think this:

4. Don’t give a monkey about what other people are doing.

5. I’ve said this before, but other peoples’ success does not hinder your own. It’s got nothing to do with you.

6. Drink fancy cocktails. Guys, don’t be shy about this. You’re missing out.

7. Get some therapy. If you can’t afford therapy, get some friends who are good listeners. If you don’t have friends who are good listeners, try omegle.

8. Drive with the top down on your convertible.

9. If you don’t have a convertible, get someone to push you around in a wagon while you look at the sky.

10. Pace in your backyard.

11. Realize that the small good things in your life are just as important as the big good things.

12. Only compete with yourself.

13. Take portraits with your cat.

14. High five a stranger. If they get mad, run like hell.

15. Karaoke.

16. A good night’s sleep.

Breeeeeeeezy!

Yao Ming image from Jodida Humanidad. 

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Clothing choices.

I don’t understand the way my contemporaries are dressing lately.

Before I get into this, I just want to say: this is not a personal attack on anyone. For all I know you make it work like a factory. 

Ladies. Please explain this to me. Why do you wear these things?

Maternity Style Dresses. It’s more than an empire waist dress. It’s an EMPIRE STRIKES BACK dress. (See the pun I made there? SEE IT? Good.) I don’t get this. Okay sometimes I get it. When Mr. Tophat is in town, you wanna downgrade the situation and make things comfortable. But why would you elect to wear this style of dress every day? I rocked this outfit too — WHEN I WAS EIGHT.

Oxford shoes. What the fuck are these things. Why are they here. Why are women wearing them. Do you realize that they’re cutting off your leg 90% of the time? Do you realize you look like you’re about to go golfing? Do you not care that people might think you like to golf?

Leggings with a giant sweatshirt. Seriously, what the fuck is this? Talk about dressing like an 8-year-old. This shit is no longer acceptable if you are old enough to drive and are younger than 80. This is bullshit. It’s bullshit that you can put on a giant stupid sweatshirt with leggings and not be going to the gym and be posted on the Internet as a fashion ~~inspiration~~.

American Apparel. Do you not realize how disgusting this company is? How it’s racist, sexist, and just plain deplorable? Do you not realize that you can buy the same basics at Target for a fraction of the cost?

The whole “I’m a good Christian mom with two kids in 1990” look. You know what I’m talking about. The dowdy sweater, the ill-fitting mom pants, the OXFORDS or something similar, and to top it off, the mom-style leather purse. Also includes the whole t-shirt tucked into high shorts with a belt look.

The whole t-shirt tucked into high shorts with a belt look. Just for emphasis, because I really don’t understand this one.

The hummingbird skull necklace. It’s been done, sorry.

“I’m that math teacher from middle school” look. Similar to the ’90s mom look, but with a twist. The twist usually being a Golden Girls style dress and short socks with chunky heels. Also includes wearing the longest skirts ever made.

Long denim skirt. I can’t even–

 

Basically my issue is with lovely young ladies dressing like Clarissa Darling’s mom. I think they aim for Clarissa, but they overshoot. So explain this to me: what is the appeal?

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Job offers.

Someone on my Facebook wall pointed out, ” Isn’t it funny, how when things are happening with one guy it makes things possible with another? It’s like being offered a job when you’re already happily employed.” (Rachel M).

Yup.

Is it because you’re confident that someone likes you and things are going well that you bring about this sense of confidence that attracts other people to you?

OR is it that everyone is a big JERK and wants you when they can’t have you just to FUCK WITH YOU??

I’m listening to The Cranberrie’s “Zombie” right now, which is why I am so aggressive.

Let’s review:

People + what they can’t have = want.

Love = what people want.

Mel Gibson (does not) = what women want.

I’m not good at math so I don’t know what any of those equations mean. I tried to Beautiful Mind it, but I’m kind of Gladiatoring it. My point is, when you seem really happy, other people want to suck the happy out of you so they can have the happy too. Some people are true friends, and they don’t want to suck your happy, but everyone else needs to be side-eyed. I really believe that this is why you’re suddenly more attractive to men when you’re with a certain man. I think women do this too. You see someone with someone who isn’t you, and all of a sudden, it’s “Game on, buddy. Challenge accepted.”

Or maybe it’s just that you never realized another possibility was there and you’re in a place where you can open your eyes.

What do you think?

 

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