Sometimes one of the bravest things you can do is go to a party alone. That and playing dead around a bear. It’s a toss-up. I don’t know if this is limited to women, but all my lady friends have issues going to parties alone. The usual fears swim about in our heads: what if I wind up sitting in the corner all by myself? What if no one talks to me and the host is the only person I know and they’re going to be too busy to talk to me? What if I am unbearably (see, bringing it back to the bears) awkward? What if I am overdressed? Or underdressed? Or not dressed at all?

I’m here to tell you that you can do it. I’ve gone to parties alone and only one — ONE — was awkward and not fun. So what did I do? I left. It’s that simple! You say your polite goodbyes and then get in your mini cooper and get the hell out of there. Was it an icky experience to just talk to people and have them wander off so I pretended like I had a really urgent text message? Yes. Even Apocalypstick lets her self doubt take over sometimes. That’s the worst, when you feel doubt inside and so it seeps outside and it’s like, seep the fuck back in, but it’s too late.

So here’s what you do. Before you walk in the door, take some Vicodin! Or as I call them, ‘Lil Vickees.

Okay. Fine. That’s a terrible idea.

Instead, create the feeling of being on drugs in a wholesome way. Listen to your favorite tunes before you leave, and on the drive there. Pump yourself up. Create the feeling of euphoria without drugs. Yes, it can be done, I’ve seen other people do it. Music makes the people come to together, yeah. Music has been proven to make your brain happy, or something, I’m not a scientist with a computer, I’m just a girl, standing in front of the Internet, asking it to love her.

Other ways to get in a happy mood? Dress in your favorite outfit. Look good so you feel good. If you feel best in a pirate costume, you wear the damn pirate costume. What would Lady Gaga do, right? Or what would Kate Middleton do? Just use their spirits to guide you as you dress. You know those heels that make you look and feel like a Supermodel, even though you’re 5’2″ or whatever? Put them the fuck on!

When you get to the party, smile and introduce yourself to whoever answers the door. Or whoever is nearby if the door is unlocked. I hate that. I hate walking into an open house without someone greeting me. What are we, ANIMALS?

It also helps to bring something. A bottle of wine, perhaps, because that’s what adults do. Or fruit roll-ups, if you want to go in a totally different direction. Either way you’re saying, thanks for letting me in your home; allow me to buy your friendship.

Engage people. Join their conversations, but not in a weird way when you hear people laughing and you jump over and start laughing even though you have no idea what’s going on. That is never appreciated. If you meet someone cool while you’re making small talk, stick around them, but not for the whole party. You want a buddy, not a parent. Don’t be afraid to make the rounds across the room. Ask people about themselves. People love to talk about themselves, especially if you’re in LA.

If you take this approach, I guarantee that you will make friends by the end of this party. That’s what Uncle Almie did a few days ago, and I had an amazing time.

Oh and alcohol helps. Alcohol always helps.