Will & Kate & Apocalypstick

Jun

2011

You guys. YOU GUYS. I cannot get over this Will & Kate thing, I really can’t. I am like, mourning their wedding. I want it to happen again. It should be a series. Each episode they have a different wedding and at each one Elton John sings a different version of “Candle In The Wind.” I love it all. Except Pippa, I don’t really get Pippa. Is she going to be a thing now? Can we not? She’s not as plain as Kate but not in a cute way, so what am I supposed to do with her? Kate’s plainness is her appeal. Pippa’s is her downfall. Who am I talking to?

I said in the past that I want to marry a prince, but really what I want is attention and security and money and a pretty dress and a big wedding and a catch of a husband BUT THERE’S NO POINT BECAUSE THEY ALREADY HAD THE BEST WEDDING EVER SO I’M JUST GOING TO GIVE UP. They WON at weddings. Minus ten points for The King’s Speech rendition of Kate’s Jolie brother-like brother’s reading but he was probably super nervous. I know I would be. Just kidding, I would be so drunk it would be awesome. I’d be like, “lol Posh Spice why are you here?” And I would actually say “L-O-L” instead of laughing, because I Am Internet.

What is wrong with me? Why am I so fascinated with someone else’s wedding? WHY AM I EXCITED FOR THEIR FUTURE TOGETHER? WHY DO I WANT TO RELIEVE THEIR SPECIAL DAY? At least I have that Lifetime movie about them. Or I did, until I moved. You can’t take your DVR records with you. My life is really hard, guys. I panicked when I thought I didn’t get OWN here. Turns out, it is here. But it’s just not enough.

Does anyone else feel this way? Or am I totally royally bonkers?

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Stop right now. Thank you very much.

Jun

2011

Ladies. If you’re out with your friends and she’s hitting it off with a dude, get over it. Don’t bust in there like Ghostbusters and adjust the situation. Don’t be Harold Ramis to our Bill Murray. I’m not even sure what that means, as I saw Ghostbusters and was kinda drifting in and out of giving a fuck. I just don’t want to spell the third guy’s name. I always mess up Dan’s last name. Too lazy to google.

It’s just rude. Girl code, you know? Once time I got cockblocked by someones’ PARENTS. That was rude as FUCK. I was talking to this dude who was leaving the next day for NYC and things were sparking and then up come these parents and started talking to him like I wasn’t even there, like I was a table or something. I wandered away and that was it. PARENTS JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND.

But if your gal pal is doing this, you need to calmly confront her. Something kind and funny while getting to the point like, “Girl I had fun last night but I was totally hitting up that guy who looked like Cary Grant with a mullet until you entered the picture. You’re so pretty and smart, you could have any guy, just give me a chance, Bieber.” If they say, “No, bitch” then you need to laugh, smile and say, “Okay” and walk away laughing. Because that’s just insane and no one should have a friend who steals boys and doesn’t even care about your feelings. I’m not saying you have “dibs” on anyone but if you’re clearly hitting it off and your jealous friend steps in and dominates the conversation, she needs to sit down and know what’s up.

That’s my PSA of the day. xxo.

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Life Lessons From Filleosophy & Apocalypstick

May

2011

This is to make up for the fact that we never answered your questions when we said we would decide your life. So, lesson one: sometimes, people suck. Don’t drink diet soda, it will make you bloat. If you have to, don’t drink more than one. Also eat slowly, if you don’t, you will also bloat. Find the right birth control pill; if you don’t, you will bloat. Eat cheese without regret. Don’t use a flatiron in your hair every day. Deep condition every once in a while. Listen to more Stevie Wonder. “When people show you who they are, believe them.” – Oprah/Maya Angelou. But before you believe them, make sure you know what to believe, and that you’re not just angry. “Don’t drive angry.” – Bill Murray to a groundhog, but it’s good advice. Choose kindness over jealousy. Make your enemies your friends. Get a snuggie. Take more videos of you and your friends. Don’t forget that if something’s bad, it doesn’t mean that everything’s bad. Slow down and calm down. Give yourself more credit and cut yourself more slack. Apologize sincerely and then move on. Laugh when appropriate. If it’s not appropriate, laugh quietly. Listen to Todd Rundgren, but not the later stuff. Eat eggs, not just egg whites (if you don’t have high cholesterol). “Tweet/blog like no one’s reading” (unknown). Change your outfit, not yourself. And don’t be afraid to wear more than one outfit a day; it’s really fun. Only use nice hangers. Eat pasta, but whole wheat pasta, or you’ll bloat. But if you eat regular pasta, have no regrets. Remember: you can only control yourself, not people around you, so stay in control. And have fun. Always have fun.

Read Filleosophy’s Life Lessons Here.

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What I Did On My Summer Vacation.

May

2011

Words cannot describe how much I love this photo.

If you’re following me on twitter or are friends with me on Facebook you are probably more than aware that I was in Las Vegas last weekend. Why is this such a big deal to me? Because I went to a conference where I didn’t really “know” anyone. I’ve been friends with them online and the one person I’d met in person couldn’t be there (THANKS JAMIE. J/K GURL.) The old Almie would have backed the eff out like, “a Tonka Truck” to quote J.Lo’s masterpiece “On The Floor.” The new Almie had a moment of hesitation, thought about purposefully catching strep throat, then realized, Holy Godzilla this could be the most fun EVER. And it was. Continue reading →

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HELLO MONSTERS.

May

2011

Because vyou kept cutting me off.

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This is real Real.

May

2011

portrait by the very talented Tyler Magyar

Next week I will be meeting lots of internets. There’s a blogger conference in vegas. I am excited but then I realized, wait, these internets are people and these people are going to see what I look like. That freaked me out. In (most) photos I look really good, but in person it doesn’t quite translate. People marvel at how tiny I am, but it’s not tiny as in skinny it’s tiny as in o hai David the Gnome’s wife. And there’s the whole, wow she looks thinner on The Internet thing. I can’t help it. This train of thought never stops. There are no stops. There is no conductor. This is hell train. Summer 2012. Starring Matthew McCougnahasysgef (I tried, really).

See, there’s going to be a period of time where we have a pool reserved, or something, I don’t really read things when I should, I think David Bowie was on TV. And there is no way — no way — anyone is going to see in my bathing suit. “Oh come on, you look fine” you might think. That’s the thing. I don’t want to look “fine.” I want to look HOLY FUCK!!!tastic. In a “DAMN NICE BOD” way, just to clarify. Not in a, “DAMN NICE BOD DAVID THE GNOME’S WIFE” way. I wish you guys scheduled this when I was going through personal turmoil, I got sooo skinny from stress. Oh hey formspring person who asked, that’s how I lost all that weight. Lots of stress. But now the stress pendulum is swinging the other way and so I am eating anything that isn’t metal or plastic.

I just can’t let people see me in a bikini. No way. I can’t let that happen. To quote Lily Allen, “Never gonna happen.” Or is it, “Not gonna happen”? See I am so bad at reading, it also doesn’t help that sometimes I see letters as numbers.

I know I sound like kind of an asshole. I know I am not what society considers fat, by any means. But my mind is messy and has no idea what’s going on. It doesn’t even know where Ireland is. It doesn’t even know.

JUST KIDDING.

…am I?

L O S T

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Public Displays of Affected.

May

2011

I’m interested in your thoughts on public displays of affection. I moved to the UK last year and I see it everywhere (not that I mind), but it seems like much more of a taboo in North America. Why do you think that is? – Apocalypstick reader Andrew James Bond. That’s not his real last names. I gave him those. YOU’RE WELCOME, ANDREW.

I guess this is the part where I say “Americans are so much more uptight about sex than Europeans we suck blah blah” and that’s all true, though I still don’t know why this is. I guess because our movie ratings are stricter than yours and always were. Or maybe because you guys jumped on that whole bikini and then topless swimsuit thing. Or maybe you guys invented sex and we’re doing our best to imitate it. Maybe what we think of as sex is actually a really stimulating Scrabble game, and we’ve been doing it wrong all these years. But if you’re out with some friends and in front of you you see two young people making out real intense, you and your friends are probably going to look around awkwardly and think, “I don’t need to see this, I just want to ride the Matterhorn!!” or whatever, I don’t know what you do in your spare time. I go to Disneyland, that’s my choice. If anyone reading this wants to get me into Club 33, please email me. Click the “contact” button.

Here is the universal truth about PDA: we hate it unless we’re the ones doing it. (Look don’t even get up on me and say, “THAT’S NOT TRUE FOR ME.” I don’t care, okay? I can’t please everyone. Go home, little Timmy. Or whatever your name is. Darryl. I don’t know, okay? I’m just a girl with a computer.) I don’t like seeing it. I can’t explain why. Because I’m American? Because I went to an All Girls School for most of my important years of my youth? Because I watched too much Nickelodeon? I really don’t know. I want to blame Ren and Stimpy for something, and maybe this isn’t it. I’ll save them for something else, something real special, like why I’m afraid of kitty litter or veins.

But if I’m the one with an adoring someone all over me, I’m thinking, “I don’t give a fuck what you people think, I’ve waited too long to have someone like me like this, WE ARE KISSING NOW, DEAL WITH IT GOODY PROCTOR!” I just want to be loved by someone really sexy and successful, okay? Isn’t that what we all want? Who says, “I want to be loved by someone really unattractive and unsuccessful?” College kids, that’s who. Graduation day is upon us, people. Time to get your diploma and make out with someone hot.

Just not in enclosed spaces, like lines for Disneyland rides or a crowded Starbucks, okay? WE’RE NOT READY FOR THAT. NOT IN AMERICA.

Golden Slumbers (Beatles cover) – Claudine Longet