Harsh Words.

Oct

2010

This is how it works: you’re young until you’re not. — Regina Spektor

I’m going to lay it down for everyone.

You are a total idiot if you text and drive. You’re also an idiot if you talk on the phone and drive, but if you do it on speakerphone or on a bluetooth then I guess it’s less dumb. They say that texting and driving is worse than drunk driving, which is a relief because now when I drive drunk I don’t feel so bad. KIDDING!!!!! Seriously though, don’t text and drive. It’s fucking distracting. When I’m on my way to meet you, don’t text me. I will not respond. You shouldn’t expect me to respond. Why? BECAUSE I’M DRIVING. If you need to reach me while I am on the way to meet you, either call me or wait until I get there. Pretend it’s 1994 if you have to, and cell phones are not common. If you are on your way to meet me, and you have to tell me something, LITERALLY CALL AND TELL ME. If you text me, I’m going to respond with “DON’T TEXT AND DRIVE.” If you do it again, I will call your ass and tell you to stop. It’s seriously the dumbest fucking thing you can prevent yourself from doing. We all make bad relationship decisions, money decisions, life decisions — don’t make this one. And don’t say to me, “I only text at red lights.” Would you get to a red light and close your eyes? No, because that’s dumb. So don’t text at a red light either, because although you may be stopped, other people are morons and could run the light, run into you, etc. Do not text and drive and if you do, don’t do it in front of me, unless you want me to think of you as a total dumbass.

Why are you jogging at night in the fog on Mulholland Drive? Are you fucking asking me to hit you? Are you fucking stupid? If you need to work out that badly, get a fucking treadmill. It’s like one of The Simpsons Halloween episodes where Ned Flanders says, “Time for my nightly fog walk!” and then is promptly hit by Homer with his car. It’s just ridiculous. You are asking people to hit you with your car when you powerwalk on streets that don’t have sidewalks after 8:00 PM in the fog. I can’t even–

Always RSVP. I cannot tell you how rude it is when you leave someone hanging. You’re not the fucking weather; I shouldn’t have to predict what you’re going to do. Either tell me that you’re coming, that you’re not, or that you’re trying to come. Don’t be lackadaisical about this shit. I admit, I have been done this before, but sometimes I go a few days without checking Facebook, which seems to be the main way to invite people to things. And why not? It’s easy, it’s quick, and everyone is on it. But then you never know if people are going to check it in time. But if you’re updating your goddamn wall and you still haven’t responded, then you should feel bad about yourself. You have failed at being a polite person. Mrs. Potts would be appalled. You are not Gaston. You are not exempt from behaving like a nice adult. Goddamn. And yes, I see the irony here in acting like a bitch while telling people to be nice. But I have the passion because I love. It comes from care and it comes from love. Or something.

Think I Wanna Die — Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin

Follow me on Twitter | Facebook

BLOGGERS GET SHOT.

Oct

2010

BLOGGER FASHION SHOOT FOR GENLUX from Almie Rose on Vimeo.

Aahh!! Enjoy this behind-the-scenes look at the blogger shoot for Genlux magazine that I shot and edited using the diabolical iMovie. I think this will be in the winter issue. Basically it’s a fashion shoot with L.A. bloggers instead of models, bloggers like yours truly, Molls (of Molls She Wrote! and general internet superstardom), Sara (of Waitin Round 2 B A Millionaire), Ami (of My Fashion Database), and Aimee (of Smashbox Yello!). I got to jump around in lace-up Yves St. Laurent wedges and feel important. A successful day, in my opinion.

Follow me on Twitter | Facebook

Serious Adult Life Goals.

Oct

2010

My birthday is rapidly approaching. Time to make some fucking goals. Life goals. Adult goals. Some of them are serious, and some of them are really serious. Others are less serious. Try to guess which ones; I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised. Here they are, in no particular order:

— Star in a Jeff Golblum-inspired fashion photo shoot. Dude had amazing style in “Jurassic Park” that I need to emulate.

— Do a shot-for-shot remake of Mick Jagger and David Bowie’s “Dancing in the Street” music video. I could play Jagger or Bowie, I have no preference.

— Eat a taco with Kanye West.

— Sing “Total Eclipse of the Heart” at karaoke without it being cliche.

— Become Hollywood’s biggest producer, so that I can fuck with all of the people who fucked with me.

— Win an eating contest. But a real one, not the kind that I have crying while stuffing my face with take-out at 11:00 PM.

— Buy a house and throw a house party with the theme “House.”

— Learn how to play the guitar from watching videos of Paul McCartney. Sure, that means I’ll have to learn it left-handed, but then I can honestly say to people, “Oh, you noticed I play the guitar left-handed but I’m actually right-handed? Yeah, that’s because Paul McCartney taught me how to play.”

— Sell my fucking book.

— Remake “The Big Chill” in 8 minutes for youtube with me in the Jeff Goldblum role.

— Approach someone at a party, with a head wound and a drink in hand, with the line, “Great party, isn’t it?” delivered just like the ghost from The Shining. The first person to understand is the person I know is my soulmate. If I have to do this at every party I go to, then so be it.

— Not give a shit if I gain 6 pounds.

— Care less what people think of me and more what I think of me.

— Wake my parents at 4 AM with a surprise birthday cake on a day in which it is definitely not either of their birthdays.

— Meet Morrissey so that I can ask him, “What’s wrong, Morrissey? GIRLFRIEND IN A COMA???!!???”

— Get my friend/s to learn a dance with me so that we can “spontaneously” bust it out at parties.

— Learn as much French and German as necessary to be able to put “speaks French and German” on my resume.

— When my dad was in advertising he had an office that had a button in it that opened and closed his door. I want that. If I have that, I’ll know I’m okay, that everything is okay.

— Have less goals involving Jeff Goldblum.

Follow me on Twitter | Facebook

Well I Guess It Would Be Nice.

Oct

2010

I mean it takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day knowing full well you gotta be you. I couldn’t do it! I ain’t that strong and I ain’t that brave. — The Office

Some days when I wake up and walk out the door I feel like I’m walking off a plank. Sometimes my hands are tied behind my back and sometimes I’m blindfolded. Sometimes there are crocodiles in the water. Sometimes the water is cold. On very rare occasions Peter Pan swoops in and rescues me before I hit the water, but usually it’s up to me to save myself. I don’t know how I’m going to do it. Sometimes the best way to do it is not to think about doing it. Sometimes I really don’t care what happens to me; to quote the scary Russian man from one of those Rocky sequels, “If he dies, he dies.” I put on my whatever glasses and look at the world through the lenses of crystal-clear indifference.

I gotta have faith. If I don’t have faith then I may as well give up and go on Cruise control. And I don’t mean like in cars, I mean I may as well go batshit crazy and jump on furniture and let my delusions completely take over. It can be a struggle not to do this. This is why I have to have faith. I have to have faith that shit is going to work out for me. I have to have faith that my feelings are not facts. I have to have faith that there is something good coming for me.

The hardest thing is not to get caught in the “how.” How and faith don’t work well together. Wondering how something will happen can destroy you. You need to think about the why or the because. You need to just believe in you and that you are enough and that the bridge from here to there will emerge. Honestly the best thing to do is not to think about it. Just do what you do, have faith, believe in yourself, maybe stop hating yourself, and see what happens. The more you think about something the less clear it will seem.

It is possible that I will one day walk out of the house feeling like the pirate instead of the captured. Maybe, one day, like the Great Captain Hook, I too will have an old sea shanty written in my honor. Or a song like the one Gaston had. People should be singing about the cleft in my chin. I’m just going to keep jutting it out into the world and see what happens.

Follow me on Twitter | Facebook

Single Ladies.

Sep

2010

So if you’re mad, get mad. — The Pretenders

We need to have a conversation. Here’s why. I just turned on Oprah and she’s interviewing Jenny McCarthy about her break-up with Jim Carrey. I don’t have anything against either of them, but are you fucking kidding me? This is your last year of your show and you’re interviewing a C/B-list celebrity about her break-up to some dude who tweeted about it some seven months ago? Are you fucking kidding me, Oprah? I’m not going to use the J-word (journalism) but how is this worth 5 minutes of airtime, let alone almost an entire hour? I just broke up with some dude, where’s my fucking interview? Is someone going to have me on their show so I can complain about how I thought we were “going to go the distance” (because unless you use that cliche you’re not sincere) and how I’ve learned so much about myself and can I make rousing statements like, “LADIES, MAKE YOUR OWN MONEY!” and have an audience cheer for me? Why don’t I get to dispense this pithy Skinny Bitch/”Single Ladies” babble to millions of women? And how did Jenny McCarthy make a career out of this? Oh right, she became Oprah’s friend. If you do that, you’re set for life.

Speaking of “Single Ladies”: no. No more of this song. It was a great song, a great video (“One of the best of all time. OF ALL TIME.“) but when Liza Minelli is limping her way through it in a sequel to an HBO movie it needs to stop. First of all, I am a single lady, but I do not want anyone to put a fucking ring on it. I am in no way ready or willing to get married to anyone, and the idea that all women are dating just so they can wind up with a ring on their finger is fucking insulting. Believe it or not we have other shit we would like to achieve in life. Secondly, I can buy my own fucking rings. Thirdly, if you liked it, you should have treated me with fucking respect. A ring has nothing to do with it. And I know that when Beyonce sings, “Put a ring on it” she’s referring to her hand and not to herself, but there’s only so many times I can hear this song and not associate the word “it” with something else. And what really pisses me off is that I really liked this stupid song! Remember “Crazy In Love”? That was a great fucking song! Beyonce has some great hits! But then it just kind of mushroomed into something else. It turned into something that “I’m-not-a-regular-mom-I’m-a-cool-mom”s claimed as their anthem, as they danced to it at weddings. To quote the great Christian Bale, “It’s fucking distracting.” It’s like the time I went to a Lady Gaga concert that was promptly ruined by the painfully “hip” mom dancing in front of my fucking face and blocking my fucking view for the entire fucking concert. Pull up your goddamn low rise jeans, sit down, and stop embarrassing your preteen daughter. I don’t need to see this. You can enjoy pithy pop songs as much as the rest of us, but you can’t relish it. I’m sorry. It just comes off as sad. Which is why when I see Jenny McCarthy babbling about how okay she is being single as she warms up Oprah’s audience by doing the whole “Single Ladies” dance routine I feel like I’m watching Michael Scott do something awkward on “The Office.” Stop. Please stop.

And Oprah, you need to put an end to this. All of this. “We’ve never broken up,” Oprah randomly announced, about her relationship with Steadman. Oprah, I cannot think of a single fucking person who actually gives a fuck about your boring fucking relationship. I also can’t think of a single person who actually buys that you are in a relationship with Steadman. And you keep talking about how you like to keep your personal life private, so why the hell do you keep bringing it up? If you’re going to let your guests make total fools of themselves by babbling about their break-ups like they’re having lunch with their girlfriends, then at least pull it together and stay out of it. Tom Cruise made a total jackass of himself on your show when he was in love, and you kept your mouth shut. Don’t try to do the girl talk. Maybe try to have topics that aren’t completely inane.

I’m still going to watch the rest of this episode though.

Follow me on Twitter | Facebook

This Is My Happening And It Freaks Me Out!

Sep

2010

One of my all-time favorite movies in the world is “Beyond the Valley of the Dolls.” It’s a movie that makes me believe anything is possible if you have a young, rich, well-connected aunt in Los Angeles. I do not. But I can still apply what I’ve learned from the film to enrich my life. For example, if I talk in a perpetually low voice and tell cute guys, “You’re a groovy boy, I’d like to strap you on sometime” then I’m certain to attract lots of positive attention. Also, I’m not a hippie, I’m in a rock group. Another thing I’ve learned is that it’s perfectly acceptable — nay, expected — to have sex in the host’s bathroom but NOT their bedroom. Every room however, including the pool, is totally fine. Drinking is sort of square these days, but then again, so is grass — unless you know how to use it! Also, never underestimate the importance of applying mascara thickly to the bottom lashes. Draw them in if you have to. Don’t run of champagne man, people are dying of thirst! Here’s another great tip: if you want a band to play for free at your party, just make sure you manage them!

This generation sometimes gives me hope. We’ve grown up watching the movies of better eras and we want to recreate them. When people dress up, they really like to dress up. Some of the outfits that you’ll see in BtVotD are awfully similar to outfits you see hipsters wear at your local shindig. Men are finally starting to come around and wear suits. It’s like everyone really wants to play dress-up. Jobs are incidental. It doesn’t matter what you do as long as you look good.

You can be a rock star if all you do is sing in a three person three piece band. All you need is the right opportunity to have a spontaneous show at that super famous rock producer’s house, and you’re set for life! The best thing is that even though it’s just you singing, your friend on the guitar, and your other friend on the drums, you’ll sound like you have a wall of music behind you! Where did that bass come from and those horns?? Who cares, that’s the magic of the 70s! It’s okay if your singing voice sounds nothing like your speaking voice. Another great thing about movies like these, those made in the late 60s-early 70s, is that everyone at some point has to be in a band. Jack Nicholson, in a movie that I think is called “The Trip” but I don’t feel like checking, played a musician named Stoney and “played” guitar in a band. By played what I mean is that he swayed side to side while holding a guitar. He didn’t even bother to pretend to pluck strings or anything. That’s what life should be like, man! No, that’s what life can be! Life can be playing the guitar even if you don’t know how. Just hold the damn thing and look awesome and it will all come to you.

You’re young! Take advantage of every opportunity you can, and whatever you do, don’t bogart the joint.

EDIT.

The aforementioned Jack Nicholson movie is called “Psych-Out.” Here’s a still from the film. That’s Stoney!

Enjoy this BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS themed mini mix:

1. Nobody But Me — The Human Beinz

2. Shape Of Things To Come — Max Frost and the Troopers

3. Incense And Peppermints — The Strawberry Alarm Clock

4. I’ve Got Your Man — Honey Ltd.

5. You Keep Me Hangin’ On — Vanilla Fudge

Follow me on Twitter | Facebook

Truths.

Sep

2010

If you have dark brown hair and you live in Los Angeles, people will describe you as “exotic.”

That thing you think you’re really good at? You’re not that good at it.

The moment you start liking someone is the moment when they stop liking you. The key is to let someone like you and not like them until it’s absolutely necessary.

Whenever someone needs to reach me I am either eating or in the bathroom. Always.

If someone watches you leave it’s a good sign. Unless they’re a stalker.

I would be a great addition to “Mad Men.”

Stop thinking about someone and you’ll hear from them.

If someone says “I’ll try” what they mean is “I’m not going to do that.”

The harder you try to make sense of something, the less sense it will make. It’s like when you say a word over and over and it stops sounding like a real word.

If you meet someone in NYC you will see them again. If you meet someone in LA you will see them again and run.

Success isn’t about what you have, it’s about what people think you have.

“Lost” is over and it’s never coming back.

If someone really hates you it means they really care. It’s weirdly flattering.

Doc Brown was right. The future is what you make of it.

If someone says they’re 20 minutes away, what they really mean is, they haven’t left yet.

There’s nothing inherently bad about having your own catchphrase.

I’m a fucking babe.

A good mix CD can change lives.

Pop Bottles Baby (Justin Bieber/Lil Wayne mash-up) — The White Panda