Everything Sucks. But It’s Okay.

Nov
23
2010

Here’s the thing: I don’t want to admit that right now I feel like everything sucks.

I feel like I know that there is a bear in my house and that this bear will eat me if I don’t move. I don’t feel like leaving the house. That sucks.

But maybe I should just make peace with the bear. “Bear, I know you will one day eat me but I’m just going to do my thing, I’m just going to ‘be me’ and I’m not going to think about the day when you will eat me. Because that’s just life. I can wait for you to eat me or I can love life and accept my death.”

I don’t want to admit that I hate losing control. I don’t want to admit that every day I am in a constant struggle with a certain person. This person drives me fucking mad. This person nags, confuses, and makes me feel badly about myself. This person hates everything I do and is never satisfied with anything.

This person is me. (TWIST ENDING!!!!!)

Maybe you feel this way about yourself. If you do, I am so sorry. I know how hard it is having to put up with yourself. If I were my own roommate I would move out. “Almie, stop complaining. And stop eating all of the mini Kit Kats. Goddamn.”

We may not want to realize it, but we will always have this roommate. There is no moving out. Maybe you’re okay with this. Maybe your roommate is awesome and is good to you and makes sure that you always work out and eat right. Maybe it knows that you’re a great person and tells you every day. But if you’re like me, your roommate is a total asshole who won’t let you sleep because they’re watching Dr. Oz until 4 in the morning. They drink Diet Coke and leave the cans everywhere. And on top of all of this, they bring in this bear that they leave in the closet and tell you it’s fine, it’s going to eat you but whatever, enjoy life!

So okay then. Let’s make the best of this living arrangement. Tell your roommate to clean up their shit. Tell them shut up when they tell you how much you suck. Tell them that life isn’t so bad.

Because the moment we start to listen to this terrible version of ourselves is the moment life really does suck. And I do not want to admit that I feel like I suck. I do not want to admit that I have no idea what I’m doing. I do not want to admit that I am afraid. I do not want to admit that sometimes I say exactly the wrong thing. I do not want to admit that I did not work out today.

But I just admitted it and I’m still here. Maybe we should just admit these things. Just say them out loud. There’s no point in pretending that they’re not there or that there’s anything you can do to replace them with a different feeling. If you have a problem with your roommate, you don’t kill them. You try and work it out. You can’t pretend that their actions are okay. You can’t pretend that you’re okay with it. But you can change it.

I am done making myself feel bad and I am ready to feel better.

Now it’s your turn. What do you not want to admit? Do it here.

I’m The Best — Nicki Minaj

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Clooney and Deadwife.

Nov
18
2010

Lately whenever I can’t sleep I turn on “Solaris” (the one starring George Clooney). What scares me the most about this film is that it was made in 2002, which makes me want to wring my hands and wonder what I’ve been doing with my life. The rest of this post is going to contain spoilers, and if you haven’t seen this movie that came out eight years ago that was based on a film that came out in the seventies then it’s really not my fault oh and PS in The People Vs. Larry Flynt, Larry Flynt won.

SOLARIS. George Clooney, for reasons I still don’t understand, is apparently the only guy in the world can go into space to save astronauts from themselves. Head astronaut dude says something like, “Something weird is happening and we’re fucked” and Clooney says, “Where are the security people?” and they said, “We sent them but they apparently never made it, no big deal” and Clooney says, “SIGN ME UP!” He doesn’t really ask for more details, which baffles me. It would take a lot more to get my ass into space.

Off Clooney goes into space. Once there, he walks around the ship in painful long shots and doesn’t float or anything. The who played Daniel Faraday, from Lost, is there, pretty  much playing Daniel Faraday. I like the guy but something about his acting always makes me think, “I bet this is how he did in the audition.” I’m not sure what that means…something about his gestures, the way he trails off and leaves his hand figuring something out in midair, it seems so done, it always says “audition room” to me. Anyway that dude is there being all weird and disconnected and bearded.

By the way I’m still not sure what Solaris is, is if it’s the name of the ship, the mission, or the weird purply thing that I thought was the sky around them. Oh but the important thing is that Clooney’s dead wife randomly shows up on the ship. He freaks out at first. It’s not like he brought her body and it got reanimated. It’s like her, but not her. I’m not sure if this thing that is her was ever alive. It’s solid and visible but beyond that who knows. There’s also a little child running around. I think Solaris is doing this. But I wouldn’t know because no one has the courtesy of shouting, “GODDAMN IT SOLARIS!” to let me know. But the head ship lady is all like, “This thing is not your wife” and Clooney gets sassy and is like, “YOU’RE not my wife” and she’s like “We’re not bringing it back” and he’s like, “SHE’S GOT NOWHERE ELSE TA GOOOOOOO” except that was Richard Gere from that movie I’ve never seen, I only know this because of VH1’s ‘I love the 80s’ part 600. Again, if someone around this point could just frustratedly shout, “ARGHH, SOLARIS!” that would have been really helpful.

This movie is not a comedy. But it’s funny. When Deadwife first shows up, Clooney leads her into this little getaway pod, and she’s all wondrous and happy climbing inside, and then her face falls as the pod pulls back into space and Clooney has this expression on like, “Ahhh Solaris what have you done to me” and “I wonder how long we’re shooting this fucking thing tonight” and it’s all very funny in a David Lynch does cowboys sort of way.

This movie is haunted and strange but it’s also muddled and boring which is maybe why I’ve never seen the end. I keep falling asleep and then I have to watch what I missed as I was falling asleep to try to ease the confusion of it all, but I still don’t know what’s happening.

Sometimes it’s clear, sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes it’s weird. But ultimately it’s probably not as bad as I think it is. And that’s when I realized that sometimes, life is kind of like a weird movie like Solaris. (Except with life the great thing is, if I don’t understand something, I can ask for clarification. I don’t have to just sit back and view and wonder how many David Lynch movies Steven Soderbergh saw before he thought, “Yes, this is the style I will dress my little movie in.”) As with life, stuff happens and you think, huh that’s weird. Maybe it’s not finding dead Daniel Faraday in an over-sized overhead compartment bin. Or maybe it is, I don’t know what you do in your free time. But things happen that we can’t explain and there is a certain orchestrated beauty in this. I am starting to find this beauty and I am starting to look for the good before I look for the bad. I have to put more good out there than bad if I want to get more good than bad in return. And with life, as with Solaris, I can take it in pieces and I don’t have to know how it’s going to end.

I don’t know if I even need to see the end of this film. It’s probably going to turn out that he was dead the whole time, or he never existed, or he dreamed the whole thing, or it cuts to the cast of ER back when they were in their choice time slot and thinking, “Fuck you, Clooney.” I don’t know. I love Twin Peaks with all my heart but honestly? I’ve never seen season two. I have it. But it’s unopened. Because if I watch it, then the whole thing is over, forever. I don’t want Twin Peaks to end. Perhaps though it’s finally time for me to grow up.

I’ll probably just read the wikipedia for “Solaris.”

update: The amazing Ginger tried to help everyone out and change the wiki, but alas, the changes did not hold. Many thanks for your inspiring efforts!!!

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I’m So Gifted At Finding What I Don’t Like The Most.

Nov
12
2010

I think it’s pretty clear from the above exchange that I might be depressed as fuck. That or I just sit in front of the computer until I smell. But really, isn’t that the same thing?

People tell you that, “Time heals all wounds.” People tell you that, “It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.” People tell you that, “It’s always darkest before dawn.” These people are liars and assholes and should go to cliche rehab.

Let’s address their first groundbreaking, brilliant point. Time does not heal anything. Time just separates you from the thing that happened to where you are now. Sure, the pain may not feel as fresh, but it doesn’t erase the fact that the pain was there. All time does is enable you to trick yourself into thinking and believing that you’re fine, because it happened how ever many weeks/months/years ago and you’ve changed ever so much since then. And if time really did help you, fuck you, you liar.

Second: the whole it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. There’s been rumors that there’s a drug out that erases memories. Real “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” shit but without the whimsical touch and Jon Brion soundtrack. If this drug exists I need it in me like, yesterday. I would erase it all. Like that. The good memories do not outweigh the bad. The damage is done. My good friend Abby said, “You know I realized I’ve never met your parents” and all I could think was, “Yeah let’s really get to know each others’ families so that when you leave me I can feel especially terrible and embarrassed. Because it’s not enough to have you go away, but I would love to break-up with your family as well. If a whole clan can reject me instead of one person, that would be awesome.” And this is just my great friend Abby! How the fuck am I supposed to trust someone who wants to have sex with me? And by the way, I am not having sex with anyone, that ship has sailed, or sunk actually. My sex drive is the Titanic, shit is just dead and buried. I didn’t even get a string quartet to play me off, goddamn.

Yes, it is always darkest before dawn. Literally. But after dawn comes, the darkness is still there, it’s just inside of you. So now you’re like a goddamn haunted house, wherever you go, the poltergeists follow. You are completely and totally fucked. Get all the exorcisms you want, but that demon knows, “LOL you’re mine, bitch” and it’s right. When you’re dark inside, there is no difference between day and night. Things that seem bad at night are just as bad in the morning. They’re waiting for you. It’s like having own personal Tyler Durden. Have fun, kids! Make some soap!!!!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go back to drinking wine and listening to Regina Spektor.

But the wine is pink!! I CAN STILL HAVE FUN.

Torn — Natalie Imbruglia

(Yeah, let’s do this shit right.)

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Television Boyfriends.

Nov
08
2010

The Pros and Cons of TV’s Best Boyfriends
In No Particular Order

“Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.” — Homer Simpson

Aiden Shaw, “Sex and the City”
Pros: Forgiving, thoughtful, caring, can make you a bench or chair.
Cons: Will clutter your bathroom with various Speed Sticks (they have different smells).

Ted Mosby, “How I Met Your Mother”
Pros: Wants to get married. Is romantic, kind, and sweet. Kind of looks like a young John Cusack.
Cons: Tells corny jokes and takes a really, really long time to tell a story.

Jim Halpert, “The Office”
Pros: The perfect balance of geeky and cute, really good at pining for people, height.
Cons: Lets the smallest amount of power go to his head.

Bill Compton, “True Blood”
Pros: Is a gentleman, probably knows how to do the Lindy Hop, believes that chivalry is not dead even though he is.
Cons: Kind of possessive, is easily captured, will at some point be mistaken for your son as he never ages, can’t stay in sunlight without bursting into flames, is probably a drag at dinner parties, and he might eat you if he’s really hungry.

Dawson Leery, “Dawson’s Creek”
Pros: Will wait for you forever.
Cons: Cry

Pacey Witter, “Dawson’s Creek”
Pros: Scrappy and sarcastic with a sexy smirk.
Cons: Overuses SAT words and dresses like Kramer.

Don Draper, “Mad Men”
Pros: Is a successful executive and partner of an ad agency. If you act emotionally detached, will propose to you after knowing you for ten weeks.
Cons: Is a successful executive and partner of an ad agency. If you act emotionally detached, will propose to you after knowing you for ten weeks.

Dylan McKay, “Beverly Hills, 90210”
Pros: Classic bad boy but without a crippling drug habit, rich, is sensitive deep down, and owns a lot of sharp looking dusters and overcoats.
Cons: Will disappear for weeks/seasons at a time, has a bad temper, will hit on your best friend while you’re in Paris, and hard to pin down; as one imdb user puts it on the “Beverly Hills, 90210” message boards, “[His] house was located right on the border between Beverly Hills and Narnia.”

Michael Bluth, “Arrested Development”
Pros: Patient, quick-witted, looks good in a suit.
Cons: Him?

Jack Shephard, “Lost”
Pros: Takes a leadership role, is a doctor, handsome, and likes dogs.
Cons: Looks bad with a beard. Loves to crash planes into mysterious islands. Has daddy issues. Cries a lot. Is dead.

UPDATED:

James “Sawyer” Ford, “Lost”
Pros: Good at shooting people. Good at punching people. Good at threatening people. Good at giving orders. Good at jumping out of airplanes. Also, this: Jack: “Do you recognize anything?” Sawyer: “Yeah, there’s my favorite leaf.”
Cons: Hates fat people. Hates freckled people. Hates doctor people. Hates Asian people. Hates polar bear people. Is also dead.

Eric Northman, “True Blood”
Pros: Has abs you could tap dance on, looks good in anything, has power, runs his own successful business.
Cons: Will not be able to take lazy strolls on a summer afternoon, will fuck with you for three seasons unless your name is Godric or you are a viking descendant, may die in a freak gasoline fight.

Zack Morris, “Saved By The Bell”
Pros: Is widely considered the class heartthrob, gets into lovably wacky shenanigans, will help you if you are, “so excited, so excited…so scared.”
Cons: Has a strange obsession with his high school principal. Will freeze-frame your ass. Is known for having a really big…cell phone.

“Uncle Jesse” Katsoplis, “Full House”
Pros: In a band, great hair and smile, good with kids.
Cons: Has questionable taste in denim, talks like a 1950s greaser, stays home a lot.

Robert Stack, “Unsolved Mysteries”
Pros: Great deep voice, looks good in trench coats, likes to help others.
Cons: Everything he says will sound ominous; you will wonder if, “We’re having dinner at 7:30” is the last thing you ever hear.

TV — Darlings

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That’s The Power Of Love.

Oct
21
2010

Who do these bitches have in common (aside from important people)???? ME!!

Is “Back to the Future” the most important film of the 80s? Of course not. IT’S THE MOST IMPORTANT FILM OF ALL TIME.

My Lea Thompson Story:

It was another day at work in which I was probably trying to move things with my mind from behind the counter (because when it’s slow, what else are you going to do) when a woman in my glasses came up to make a purchase. They weren’t literally my glasses of course; mine were in my purse. But they were the same classic, I’m an artist goddamnit but I also love money Ray-Ban glasses. At the store we are required to ask for I.D. for any and all purchases. I asked this young looking woman for I.D. and when she slid it over I saw Lea Thomp– and then my brain went, “Oh shit, it’s Marty’s mom!!” and I blurted out, “Oh, I don’t need this, I know who you are” and gave it back to her.

She laughed and said, “I wish I knew who I was.”

“I didn’t recognize you with your glasses,” I said. “I have the same ones! I just got them.”

She seemed excited by this and asked me where I got mine. “Lens Crafters!”

“They had them there??” She exclaimed. “I probably paid way too much for mine! How much did you pay, if you don’t mind me asking?”

I didn’t mind, but my brain pretty much froze. I’m bad with remembering numbers, I’m better with words/phrases. So I sort of stood there, saying “uhhhhh” and mumbling numbers, gradually getting quieter and quieter, like the Tin Man rusting. It was probably very weird. She cheerfully said, “Never mind”, trying to save me from myself.

“Sometimes I worry I’m not cool enough to wear them,” I said. She laughed and said something like, “I know right? But If I am, you are. Believe me, you are.” Then she went off on her way and I had to fight every urge to yell, “THAT’S THE POWER OF LOOOOOOOVE!!” as she left.

My Michael J. Fox Story:

Full disclosure: aside from Captain Hook, Michael J. Fox was my first serious celebrity crush. I have “Back to the Future” to thank for this. Then in middle school, “Spin City” came out and my love for him was only intensified. I watched all of his crappy 80s movies. Even the weird one where he and Sean Penn are fighting in Vietnam and Sean Penn rapes a woman in the jungle and MJF is like, “Wait what” and my naive self was like, “Wait what?”. In college our school had The Actors Studio and all New School University students were allowed to go to the tapings. I went to the MJF taping and watched James Lipton try to be stoic and say things like, “I own a cave in Malta.” (Seriously.) After the taping I waited out back for MJF to come out so I could tell him how awesome he was and how we had a friend in common (the founder of my high school) and etc but I waited at the wrong entrance. My friend Sean, who I always referred to as “Moondog” because he seemed like a surfer but wasn’t, told me that he happened to run into MJF as he was leaving and shook his hand. I said, “How nice for you, Sean” and quietly seethed. Surf’s up, bitch.

A couple of years ago I had an assistant job for a really nice director. I did things for him and his wife, like go to Fred Segal. It was on one of these Fred Segal excursions that I saw him. Michael J. Fox, chilling out max and relaxing all cool. I couldn’t even look at him, he was so awesome. I slid inside the store, made the exchanges, and then got into the bathroom to collect myself. “If he’s there when I come back, I’ll say something” I told myself. When I got out, he was gone.

But he wasn’t! He was sitting outside! I had to do it. I came up to him, trying really hard to turn down the crazy that I give off naturally.

“Hi!” I said. “Actually, we have a friend in common.” I explained that I went to the same high school that was founded by his friends. “Will you tell them I said hi? My name is Almie!” He was very gracious. I don’t know why I asked him to tell them hi, I hadn’t spoken to them in years. We talked about what good people they were. Then to make things even more dorky I added, “In high school, I won an award named after [one of the founders] for being creative or something!” I said that because I am four-and-a-half and carry Play-Doh in my pocket. But he was very kind and at least feigned interest. “What’s your name again?” he asked, probably to make a note to tell them that a very disturbed individual who went to their school accosted him in the Fred Segal parking lot. I told him, I think he said my name was pretty, but unfortunately I can’t remember most of what he said because the whole time my brain was chanting, “MICHAEL J. FOX MICHAEL J. FOX MICHAEL J. FOX” like the “Charge!” chant at sports events.

“I just think you’re awesome” I blurted out, before running to my car. I think he smiled and thanked me. I got into my car, tried to keep it together, because I really didn’t want to hit another car in front of Michael J. Fox, and before I left I waved. He waved back. Then I got on my phone (hands free!) and called my mom. She picked up and I screamed, “IJUSTMETMICHAELJFOXAAAHFREDSEGALAAHAHH” and she thought I had gotten into a car accident.

Having grown up in LA I never get psyched over seeing celebrities, but “Back to the Future” celebs will always be exceptions (same goes for ‘Twin Peaks” celebs). Is there anyone you flipped out over meeting or really want to meet?

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Yeah, Fuck It. Seriously.

Oct
18
2010

Fuck you, guitar man. Fuck you for looking beautiful as you got on stage with your guitar. Sure, you were dressed like a bartender and before you got on stage I thought you worked here, but now it’s all different. Fuck you for singing and playing the guitar so well. I don’t even know if you’re playing it well or if your general attractiveness is just translating through everything, but fuck you anyway.

Fuck you for looking like a more grown-up version of my ex, who I hope has been attacked by bears and after the bears attacked him they left him for vultures and the vultures did what they could and then a shark joined in, it actually got up out of the ocean and hobbled over, and then the bears came back because they decided they weren’t done (you know how bears are). Fuck you for looking like him and doing a really great cover of a great classic rock song mixed with another great classic new wave song. Bitch.

Fuck you for that glimpse of wedding ring that I didn’t catch until your very last song. Fuck you for being married. Fuck everyone for being married.

Fuck everyone who has ever let me down. You will never make your way back. You’re on my list. There is no getting off of this list. All of the pizza parties in the world will never get you off of this list. Oh, you don’t care? You don’t care that you’re on this list, guitar man? Too bad. Because I am an amazing friend. Once you’re my friend I will remain loyal to you with a ferociousness that is both admirable and a little scary. I am generally a good person. I am kind, generous with money, will show up to your Facebook events, and I fuck like a champion. So fuck you, guitar man. Fuck all of the guitar men of the world. And fuck you, Prince. I don’t even have a reason, but fuck you.

How Dark Is Your Dark Side — His Name Is Alive

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