She Comes In Colors Everywhere.

Dec

2009

Even though I’m long out of high school, my friend Kimme will always be one of the cool kids to me. Kimme and I went to high school together but we were a grade apart. Even though we had to wear school uniforms Kimme always managed to stand out and not in an obnoxious way, more like in a, “Hey who’s that cool chick with the Chrissie Hynde bangs?” way.

I’m always envious and amazed of people who know their style and have it down. Maybe you’ve noticed that the photos I put on this blog are of people whose style I wish I had: Cher (mostly 60s era Cher), Audrey Hepburn, Brigitte Bardot, Lou Doillon, et cetera. I’m still trying to find my personal style but Kimme is rock solid. The way she dresses reminds me of a mixture of Sable Starr, Joan Jett and Molly Ringwald in every movie.

Lady GaGa and Kimme remind me that you should always dress for you. Really. If you want to wear a latex dress, wear it. If you want to over accessorize, do it. If you want to wear a Donald Duck costume (I’m looking at you, Elton John) put it the fuck on and rock the fuck out of it. Sometimes I think I have to dress for men because that will help me find one (and sometimes I do because it’s just so easy to dress for men: tank top, preferably a white one with a black bra underneath, some great fitting jeans, heels and that’s it) but I realize that what’s going to help me find a man, find anyone, is confidence. And my confidence is going to hit when I feel totally comfortable in what I’m wearing, and that’s going to be something that I chose for myself because I love it. It also helps when I’m drunk.

Kimme with her friend Dylan.

Kimme, in a dress she designed, with her boyfriend Richie.

Kimme’s closet in 2005.

Kimme at high school graduation. We all had to wear white dresses and I love the dress she chose and how she accessorized it in a way that was totally hers. She could wear this again. But I don’t think she ever wears the same thing twice.

Thus, one of my resolutions (and how are we doing on those? Remember, we’re working on them now, before January 1st, because we’re awesome!) is to develop my personal style and not give a monkey what anyone thinks. No more dressing for men, friends, or the people who fall somewhere in between.

Drive-In Saturday — David Bowie
Baby It’s You — Smith
Le Marchand D’Amitie — Les Fleurs De Pavot
Charles — Pony Up
Barracuda — Heart
Then He Kissed Me — Sonny & Cher
Dead — Dana Gillespie
Suzanne — Francoise Hardy
Shattered — The Rolling Stones
Paris De Loin — Poney Express
TV — Darlings
She’s A Rainbow — Fuck

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Stop. Flaking. Out.

Dec

2009

Is it me? Is the answer.

The question is, “Why are people such flakes?”

In this way I answered a question with a question but you’ll have to forgive me for that.

All I know is that this guff is getting old.

Guidelines, people, guidelines. Stop flaking out. Here’s how:

How To Ask Someone Out (Either Romantically or Platonically, It’s The Same Thing, But One Requires More Flirting)

1. Call them.

2. You’re going to text them instead, aren’t you? Goddamn it.

3. Say/text (if you must, ugh): “Hello/Hey/Salutations Bart, it’s Mildred. [You probably won’t have to say who it is in a text because everyone has caller ID on their cell. I’ll leave that part up to you, chief.] Would you like to get some dinner/drinks/catch a glimpse of Robert Downey Jr. on the silver screen?”

4. Your next step is to GIVE AN OPTION FOR TIMES/DATES WHEN YOU ARE FREE. IF YOU DO NOT OFFER DATES WHEN YOU ARE FREE, YOU MAY AS WELL SAY, “These are imaginary plans, feel free to blow me off.” GIVE PEOPLE TWO OPTIONS, THREE AT THE MOST. Ex. “I am free Wednesday and Friday evening, does that work for you?”

5. YOU MUST HAVE A LOCATION & TIME IN MIND BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE STUPID AND YOU HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING FOR THEM. I’m not kidding. Again, if you don’t offer a time and place, it’s like you’re saying, “These plans are totally theoretical and I know it’s not really going to happen.” Ex. “There’s a great lounge called Little Ricky’s in Culver City or a bar in Hollywood, Lucy & Ethel’s, depending on where you feel like going. I’ll be free around nine o’ clock.” (Note: these places are imaginary, like your plans will be, if you don’t offer locations.)

6. If you insist on texting, then you need to offer all of these plans in one text, because you want to make it as simple as possible for the idiot you’re asking out to take in all of this deeply complex information.

7. If you’re doing this over the phone you need to sound happy about it and not intense/upset/sarcastic. Think like Monica Gellar: “I’m breezy!” but like Monica Gellar do not actually say that out loud unless you know for sure that the other person will pick up on that Friends reference, and even then, you really want to be sure that they’ll appreciate it. There’s nothing worse than throwing out a reference no one gets (ex. “Dental plan!”)

8. Subtly reiterate your plans before you hang up/after the confirming text of “Sounds good.” Ex. “Great so I’ll see you at 9 at Lewis Caroll’s Bar and Grill on Friday. xo.”

9. As far as I know, there is no such place as Lewis Caroll’s Bar and Grill. DON’T GET MAD, OK? IT WAS JUST AN EXAMPLE. JESUS. CALM DOWN.

10. If you really want to ensure that you don’t get blown off, offer to meet the other person at their house or pick them up, or ask them to pick you up. Realize though that if you meet them at their place you’ll probably wind up there when the evening is over, and you’ll be doing a little more than watching I Love Lucy reruns, if ya know what I mean. I’m OK with that, are you?

Maybe you’re thinking that this is an awful lot of information that you’re bombarding the other person with. Well, you’re GREATLY overestimating people and their capacity to not be a total flake. Maybe you live in 1956 where gentlemen callers literally called. If you are, what the hell are you doing on the Internet? I’m onto you, time traveler. I’m so fucking onto you.

Homecoming — The Teenagers

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Let Me Get What I Want.

Dec

2009

January 1st is bullshit. It does not exist! It only exists in your mind. By which I mean…DO NOT WAIT UNTIL JANUARY 1ST TO START YOUR RESOLUTIONS. INSTEAD, START THEM NOW, SO BY JANUARY 1st YOU’LL ALREADY BE OFF TO A GREAT START! Instead of saying, “I’d like to lose 10 pounds starting January” why not lose the 10 pounds before January so you can look banging on New Years Eve? (By the way, it’s not advisable to lose 10 pounds in a whisker under a month but if you want to I suggest cocaine. That’s what all the stars use! If you cannot afford cocaine then you can try caffeine. But no solids. Ever. Not until after January 1st, rockstar!)

But really. Don’t let Glamour magazine tell you to wait for the first. Or your teachers. Or the television with the Desperate Housewives and the Jello pudding. Do it now. Join me! It will be like a giant flashmob on the internet. But instead of reaching for dance moves we’ll be reaching for our goals. Or reaching for metaphors like I just did.

So tomorrow is December 5th. By January 5th, I want you all to complete something that’s important to you. Maybe it’s to come up with an awesome outfit for the Lady GaGa concert on the 22nd at the Nokia Theatre, but that’s totally not why my goal is, I mean that’s just silly, right? Yeah it’s not like I’m already getting ideas for makeup and hair, maybe even considering buying a bow wig on Ebay or trying to recreate her SNL outfit from when she was with Madonna. I AM TOTALLY NOT DOING THAT IN SAFARI RIGHT NOW. SHHHH. Dont’ tell anyone you guys. Let’s just keep it a secret between us and the internet.

Maybe your goal is something better than that (not that that’s what my goal is because it isn’t at all). Maybe you’re looking for a part time job. Or trying to pick a major. Or maybe you’re working on a screenplay. I don’t know! I don’t know what people do. I mean, I know what people do, because people are insufferable and love to talk about their jobs and when they do that my brain is all, “Psh, later dude” and floats out via my ears and I’m stuck watching a cartoon on loop, Homer Simpson-style. Then when they stop talking I’m forced to say something about myself so I wind up making some dumb joke because I hate being sincere and then they say to their friends that I’m a bitch with no feelings and that I try too hard. Then I go home and write about it in my journal and cry while listening to Morrissey. Then if it’s raining I lean my face against the rain and pretend like the raindrops are tears falling down my face. If it’s not raining I run the shower and get on the other side of the shower door and press my face against that. It’s called adapting to your surroundings.

But let’s do it together, you guys. Let’s be the Black Eyed Peas. You guys are Will.I.Am., Taboo…and the other dude. I’m Fergie. Together we’re going to wear diabolical outfits and sing songs that, according to my brother, sound like they should be in “High School Musical or some shit, can’t you picture Zach Efron singing to this? God I hate this song, change it.” Then I tell him to shut up because I’m the one driving. We can do this, together. Tell me what your goals are for the new year and fuck the new year because we’re doing it now. I GOTTA FEELING.

Then when 2010 comes we’ll be ahead of the game. I’ve always wanted to be ahead for once! My whole life I’ve been falling behind. Not this time, paper gangsters. This time I’m going to stop procrastinating and start getting everything I’ve ever wanted. It’s scary but it’s time. It’s time for all of us!

A Whole New World — Aladdin Soundtrack

P.S. After you download this (because I know you will, don’t even pretend you won’t) pretend it’s Morrissey singing it. Then realize it would be a fantastic song for him to cover and wonder why he hasn’t already.

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Things You Need To Stop Doing Right Now.

Dec

2009

YOU NEED TO STOP…

— Using the phrase “Alma mater.” Who the fuck are you trying to fool? Latin’s a dead language, buddy. Just say, “My former/old school.” That sounds real. When you say “Alma Mater” you sound like Ron Burgundy.

— Saying that you’ll follow someone on twitter and then not.

— Using sarcasm in text messaging because it’s really hard to tell when/if you’re being sarcastic through a text message. Beware the exclamation point. They’re the fine line between enthusiasm and sarcasm. “Sorry!” vs “Sorry.” Of course it’s all about context but if you don’t know the person very well then the one with the exclamation point can look very sarcastic.

— Praising Michael Cera for acting. You could swap the guy with a house cat in any of his films and I guarantee you will get the same performance but with less fake, “Oh, I-I guess this thought is, ah, j-just coming to me” stuttering.

— Selecting “reply” on a facebook message if you’re not the only person it was sent to because then we all get your stupid response of, “Thanks for the photos, Nikki, the kids look too cute!!” or whatever. Just reply to the person who sent it to you. My God old people ruin everything.

— Wearing boyfriend jeans. I don’t know what asshole came up with this, but it’s not flattering on anyone. Anyone! Anyone. Katie Holmes, you look like you are on your way to paint a goddamn house. It’s just sloppy looking and stupid. (If this were a text message I could say, “Wow I am really awed by boyfriend jeans! They’re so great!!”).

— Making the same mistakes. “Always crashing in the same car” (Bowie). Learn from your mistakes, don’t repeat them. It’s like George W. Bush said: “Fool me once…shame on you. Fool me twice (long pause) you–you can’t get fooled again.” It’s exactly like that. That is a perfect mistake about making mistakes.

I think I’m falling asleep here, so I’m going to do to bed. I hate when you can’t tell if you’re sleepy or just over it.

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The Kindness of Strangers

Nov

2009

We’ll get back to our usual Apocalypstick in just a bit but I wanted to take the time to thank the kind girl at Beauty Bar who held the broken bathroom door stall closed for me. That was really cool of you. I hope I find you one day so I can thank you. You heard my tipsy fearful voice asking, “Uh oh, does this even lock?” and you said, “I got it” and got you did. You held that door while I peed, asking no questions or for anything in return. Then I said, “OK I’m done” and thanked you and you left. I didn’t even see your face. The word “hero” is thrown around a lot but I don’t think it’s any exaggeration when I say that what you did for me Friday night was the greatest act of heroism that anyone has ever done anywhere.

Thank you, kind stranger. May karma repay you in full.

Thank You — Jay-Z
Thank You Girl — The Beatles
Thank You For Being A Friend — Andrew Gold
Thank You For Sending Me An Angel — Talking Heads

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This Is It.

Nov

2009

Sweet fancy fuck.

Yesterday I went to a fashion show where I met three foreign boys who were cute but were also dumber than a box of cats. (“Do you know where there is a taco truck around here?” “No?” “Oh so you are not local?” “I am, but I don’t know where there is a taco truck.” “So you’re not local?”) This is when I realized that sadly being foreign no longer automatically = hot and desirable.

So foreign boys, here’s my new criteria. If you don’t get it then don’t worry, I’m not the girl for you, and you’re not the guy for me.

1.) Be smart. I don’t just mean book smart, you need to be culturally aware.

2.) You need to have a knowledge of film. You can’t count on me to explain to you who that guy is, or what stuff that other guy has directed, or why that film is exciting to me.

3.) I find arguing really sexy. I like to argue.

4.) You need to have a good sense of style. Sorry but baggy jeans and wearing your button-up as a scarf is not going to do it for anyone. Get thee to an H&M or even a thrift store. I once went thrift store shopping with a boy — let’s call him Bob Dylan, who was a friend and then had a crush on me and then I had a crush on him but then he got aloof and turned into a bisexual drug addict, oh college — who bought a Gap shirt despite there being a Gap across the street. “Ew,” said I, “Please don’t buy an old Gap shirt. Please. I will buy a new one for you right now.” I begged him but he really liked the style of the used Gap shirt and it looked good on him. That kid had great style. I wonder where he is now. I hope he’s not dead.

5.) Don’t be a date rapist. Really, you think this would go without saying. I don’t know if you assholes are getting the wrong idea from all those vampire movies out there or what but don’t be fucking creepy.

6.) The Who. I don’t know how to elaborate on this one, something about The Who. Just fill in whatever you want to.

7.) Don’t make me do all the work. Get off your fucking Blackberry and approach me.

8.) Don’t be Jude Law.

There’s my new criteria. Not that it matters anyway. I am currently not accepting any new applicants. Unless you meet every point on this list. In that case though I’d still be wary. “I wouldn’t want to be a part of any club that would have me as a member,” said Groucho Marx. It’s that old thing, you know?

I mean, this is pretty much it because as far as dating goes, I’m fucking spent. I really am. I have to focus on my anemic career. I’m a young smart woman and I’m sick of constantly thinking about and/or looking for men. I am not Carrie Fucking Bradshaw. Carrie was fun in the first two seasons, maybe three, but then she got annoying and clingy and sad. And I don’t know what the hell she was complaining about because she always had sexy successful men who were always after her anyway. She just could never pick one. It’s like models who complain how hard their careers are. You’re essentially being paid to walk. Fuck all of you. Shut up, pick one, and sit down. Then find something new to do with your life.

Girl U Want — Devo

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