“It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.” — Homer Simpson

On what occasion is it okay to lie? There is, after all, a time and place for everything, right? Given that 5% of the people you are going to meet are actually going to want to hear your true opinion, here is what to say to the other 95% percent and when.

THE QUESTION: What have you been up to lately?
Lie.
Most of the time people only ask this question to make sure that you’re not doing better than they are. Think about it. How many people do you know of would actually care if you said, “Well I spend most of my mornings sleeping, my afternoons crying, and my evenings drinking?” They would probably feel really awkward and slink away, but be secretly relieved that you don’t have a 6 picture deal with Fox. This is the kind of question people ask when they don’t know you well enough. This is an Aunt Mabel type of question (i.e. something your Aunt Mabel would ask you at Thanksgiving). Therefore when someone asks this question, rather than roll your eyes and/or tell them the truth about your sad life, I find it’s much more constructive to say, “Well I spend my mornings exercising, my afternoons taking meetings and figuring out my five year plan, and my evenings with this great guy I’m seeing”. Spin, spin spin. “Unemployed” can be “traveling”, “weighing my options”, “taking meetings”, “writing”, “taking classes” and other vague descriptions of activities. (If you have a really great life then of course these rules don’t apply to you, GEORGE CLOONEY.)

THE QUESTION: Don’t you think my new boyfriend is cute?
Lie.
You don’t need to lay it on too thick but you don’t need to call him straight-up fugly either. Say that he’s not your type but add something like, “He has beautiful eyes” and then ask your friend if she’s really excited for season 3 of Mad Men. Don’t tell them that you usually don’t go for guys who could body double for Jason Seigel (ouch, I felt that one). Don’t tell them that he looks like the kind of guy who would steal your car. Just say whatever they want to hear and move on. If however they are a rapist or violent asshole then you need to be honest. Hopefully that part goes without saying.

THE QUESTION: Do you like my new hair?
Lie.
Hair grows back, hair dye washes out. Again, for the 5% of people who know who preface their question with, “I really want your honest opinion, please” then what they really want to hear is, “Wow you look great!” All anyone wants out of this world is to look great. If you want to know what people really think of your new hair then don’t say anything, just wait for their comments. If they say, “You changed your hair!” then what they’re really saying is, “and it sucks” or “and it’s barely any different but I feel like I should say something or you’ll be pissed.” Don’t forget: the truth lies just as much in what people DON’T say than what they DO.

THE QUESTION: Can I borrow your book/DVD/money/whatever?
Lie.
YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR BOOK AND/OR DVD AND/OR MONEY AGAIN. I don’t care if they’re your best friend. They will lose it. They won’t do it on purpose but it will happen. And would you really want a material item to come between your friendship? Why risk it? Say, “Oh, I loaned ‘Rushmore’ to my brother.” If they say, “But I see it right there on your shelf” say, “No that’s just the cover; they have the actual DVD.” If they follow that up with, “Why didn’t you give them the DVD in the cover?” say, “Aren’t you excited for Season 3 of Mad Men?”

THE QUESTION: What do you think of Paul Dano?
I’m honestly curious about what you think. I think he’s creepy. Great actor, really creepy. I can’t look at his face for too long or I start to hear the piano theme from “Eyes Wide Shut”. It’s that type of creepy. Paul Dano definitely looks like the type of guy who would steal your car. He and Jack White. If I ever see those two walking down the street I will simultaneously cry and shit my pants. HOWEVER, if I am ever in Paul Dano’s presence I will NOT tell him that I think he is creepy. This is called lying by omission and it’s a beautiful thing.

Look, you don’t want to be known as a lying fiend, but honesty is only valuable when it’s over something or someone you care about. Otherwise it’s like foreign currency. Spend your honesty wisely.