You listen to me, facebook. You listen good and hard. Ready?:

YOU ARE A LIFE RUINER.

Yes. Yes, before you came along, Facebook, I was completely content with not knowing what my ex’s new girlfriend looked like. I didn’t have to know that maybe my friends all went out one night to a rad party, complete with Marilyn Monroe impersonator, without me. I didn’t need to know that my crush was writing on another girl’s wall rather than my own.

So fuck you, Facebook. Yeah you pretend that you’re all about “social networking” but we all know that’s just code for “stalking people”. Because if it wasn’t about stalking then why would you give us so much access to peoples’ personal info? Why, Facebook? Why come? Don’t you realize that I am capable of making myself feel bad without seeing all of the people I cannot screw and parties I was not invited to?

You know what I think, Facebook? I think you’re a cocky bastard. I think you rolled up onto the internet thinking, “Ho ho ho Friendster, looks like someone’s not aces anymore. And Myspace, old boy? Someone’s wearing a little long in the tooth. HUM TE HUM. I do belive I’ll take this shit to the next level!” And you know what? You fucking did. You fucking took it all to a new level.

You spawned twitter, you ignorant fuck. Now I know for a fact that I’m being ignored by a crush because I can see that he had time to update his twitter but not to respond to my text. So thanks a lot, Facebook. Thanks for rolling up like The Fonz, flashing your thumbs up “so and so ‘like this'” shit and allowed all kinds of fucked up internet sagas to unfold.
You’re like the later seasons of Beverly Hills, 90210, facebook. It started out so innocent, so fun. But then what did you do, Facebook? You got rid of Brenda Walsh (or in your case, added the facebook chat feature.) And it was scary, but then you brought in Valerie (photo tagging) and shit was fun. But then you just got weird and uncomfortable by sending Brandon Walsh away (changing your layout) bringing back Luke Perry (changing your layout) and bringing in Gina (changing your layout yet AGAIN, you smug motherfucker).

So in the immortal words of Bubble Boy to The Joker, why can’t I learn how to quit you?

You are a dick, Facebook. You are a dick and you’re only going to hurt me in the worst way, but I’m going to take it because it’s all I know. I was raised on you, Facebook. You showed me the way through college. I remember my first profile photo. I remember when your walls didn’t distinguished who posted what and this one time this guy Jon accidentally deleted my entire wall. Those were good times.

Ugh. Facebook. One day, I will run away from you, never to turn back. No Facebook. Don’t look at me like that. I’m just a girl, standing in front of a Facebook, asking it to love me.