Women were so powerful in the 80s, right, with their power jobs and power suits and power hair. They weren’t going to take your crap. Sigourney would not take your crap. Melanie might. But Sigourney? No, Sigourney was all about business. Business and aliens but mostly business. If you didn’t want to do something you’d say no. None of this oh yeah facebook me crap just a flat-out no. No hope for tomorrow, friend. It ends here. Then you would drink a diet rite and return some videotapes.
Don’t be late to your Jane Fonda work out. Jane Fonda was 40 when she put out her first workout tape. During one of her exercise tapes she barks at you, “If I can do it, so can you!” It puts the fear of God right into your leg lifts. What can’t you do? Jane Fonda could stretch like a demon at age 40 and had the stamina of Sigourney, who at the time was not 40, what is your excuse? Go on ebay and get a Jane Fonda tape who gives a fuck. If you don’t have a VCR then download the 30 day shred from exercise tv.com or something. Jillian Michaels is serious business. She will murder you and wear your head as a hat but that’s exactly what you want in a trainer.
Network. Be social. Don’t turn down an invitation. Unless it’s from that dude who wants to be more than just a friend but you want to make him Mayor of Friendtown. I would turn down that invite because there’s no need to lift his hopes. Why plummet into an awkward scenario when you can float above it, far from it? Get a frozen yogurt, who gives a fuck. But say yes to everything else. Throw a party. You don’t need a reason. You’re young and healthy and full of life, there’s your reason. But don’t tell people to BYOB that is tacky as hell. If you can’t afford alcohol for a lot of people then downsize your party into an intimate get-together. Don’t ask people to bring their own booze unless you want them to hate you. You’re not tacky. Sigourney!
Get angry. Get Kanye angry. Type in capital letters and use lots of exclamation points. Then delete it and re-write what you really wanted to say because nobody wants to read that shit. But it helps to get it out there. Just do it and move on, why not, who gives a fuck? This is 2009 and that has to mean something. Or maybe it doesn’t. I’m not wise like George Harrison. Buy Tab because it still has the classic packaging that its always had and consistency is an admirable quality. Find your cassette tapes and play them. Make a real mixtape. Buy Tiger Beat and leave it in your doctor’s office. Bring joy. Drink Coke. Dance around a maypole. I don’t give a fuck that it’s not spring. Construct your own maypole out of supplies from Home Depot. Then have a party. Play your mixtape at your party. You’re a modern woman, or man, and this is your year. Every year is your year if you want it to be. Sigourney!
