Silverlake.

 

Jon Hamm’s girlfriend met Jon Hamm at a party in Silverlake.

 

You know who I meet at parties in Silverlake? The Internet. Attractive men with equally attractive twee little girlfriends. Grown men in Ninja Turtle T-shirts and neckbeards. Men of indeterminate sexual orientation. Poor clones of George Harrison and Cat Stevens. Rapists. Pirates. Knaves.

 

Not once have I met a guy even remotely similar to Jon Hamm. Not in looks or personality. I realize that Jon Hamm is a tall order. But is it such a difficult request of the universe to ask for someone not a complete and total fucking disappointment? Getting so routinely disappointed gets old. Furthermore, I don’t understand this sudden adoration for Silverlake and Echo Park. Silverlake used to be known as the place where my eccentric crystal-loving, ghost-channeling, bass guitar-playing uncle, lived. And now it’s a mecca for young rich white hipsters? What fresh hell is this where I have to drive to East L.A. to go to a house party? When did this great migration to Silverlake and Echo Park occur and why? Is it so that Hollywood producers can buy large 1920s cheap houses for their kids to live and party in? Probably. “This is an amazing apartment,” you say, mouth hanging open, wondering how they can afford it until you realize that they don’t. And if they can afford it, they’re basically living in a closet, even though for the same price they could afford something bigger and less gross in the Valley. Oh, but heaven forfend anyone live in the Valley. Let’s instead live near Dodger Stadium. That makes sense. Why are you people here?

 

But back to Jon Hamm. How perfect can one person be? Talented, handsome, great sense of humor, smart, thoughtful, and a feminist? What’s the catch? AND WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT THIS SILVERLAKE PARTY? Your career had not yet bloomed. You were working on the set of a soft core porn movie when you came to that party and your future girlfriend offered you a non-paying role as an asshole in her latest play. I need to be a casting director for theatre, clearly. What better excuse to get to know a handsome man? “I should cast you in my play,” I would say, after inhaling thoughtfully from my cigarette. Sick move! She didn’t even offer him a paying part! Bitch move! But it worked. They got to know each other, they fell in love, and years later they are still together even though he is now ten times as famous as she is. Meanwhile I can’t maintain a relationship for longer than six months. I’ve kept hair colors longer than I’ve kept relationships. HIGH FIVE! I’m told that I need to love myself before anyone else can love me. Super! I have a better chance of having tea with Michael Caine on the fucking moon.

 

But back to Jon Hamm. How can someone so attractive be so humble? Jon Hamm doesn’t walk into parties like he’s walking onto a yacht. I like to think that if a Jon Hamm equivalent was at a Silverlake party and I was at this Silverlake party, we would find each other. The silent understanding of, We do not belong here, we are not cool enough would come between us and we would forsake the cigarette smoking and discussions of, “how like, weird David Lynch is” (stunning observation, neckbeard) and we would be all right. But this never happens to me. Then again, this never happens to anyone. Except Jon Hamm’s girlfriend. She probably had it together. I, clearly, do not.

 

Still.

 

If you live in Silverlake and you’re under the age of forty then I’m sorry to tell you that you are a total fucking asshole.

 

Young Turks (The Disco Pusher Remix) — Au Revoir Simone

 

EDIT!!:

 

Dearest Almie…my little niece (whose birthday is my pin code) ,

Don’t think you can hide. So now I know how you really think of me… “the
place where my eccentric crystal-loving, ghost-channeling, bass
guitar-playing uncle, lived.” You could at least have said handsome or good
looking…would have softened the blow…

Well, regardless of your judgments, your blog made me laugh.  Very clever.

Love,
your eccentric Uncle Steven

 

For the record my Uncle is cooler than all of the lame hipsters who live in Silverlake. IT’S HIS LAND.

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29 thoughts on “Silverlake.

  1. Tori

    you must be going to the wrong parties, I run into J-Eggz-n-Hamm (as his friends call him) all the time…

    NOT. every party i go to sucks. everyone i know sucks. i don’t know what silverlake is but it sounds like it sucks, too.

  2. cliff

    i love this post, although, maybe some of us would feel honored to be hit on by the poor clone of a knave? ever think of that? and your uncle sounds like a hoot, i’d love to meet him someday, or house-sit the unit below him… ha ha below him. something makes me think we could even be related. and regarding the true subject of this post, come on, even i’d fuck stuart turkeylinks.

  3. Bef with an F

    I’m glad I don’t walk into parties like I’m walking onto a yacht either, because I would be all “OH FUCK WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE RIGHT NOW YOU GUYS,” & I would be the biggest buzzzkill ever.

    Anyway, the point is I think you’re clever, & I enjoy your elitism about LA, because you deserve it.

  4. Neil

    i enjoy the silverlake and echo park. i don’t live there though. i live downtown. yes, it’s in a loft. i like watching the rock and roll shows over in the silverlake and echo park. i like putting the word ‘the’ in front of just about anything i can. and dude, no one wants to live in the valley. for real, 818 is no man’s land. it’s too boring and residential.

  5. Rebecca

    I’ve never been to silverlake nor do i even know where/what it is…but back to Jon Hamm: in my heaven, all us awesome girls who never got to meet a Jon Hamm type get to each have 3. Have i ever told you i’m deeply in love with Jon Hamm?

  6. Cailey

    “What fresh hell is this where I have to drive to East L.A. to go to a house party?” I COL-ed (cackled out loud) at this. I think everyone who grew up in LA is totally mystified by the fact that all their friends suddenly live in neighborhoods they were generally taught to avoid. But I would hang out in Silverlake EVERY FUCKING NIGHT if it meant I could meet my own personal Jon Hamm (Sean Spam?)…

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      I’m so glad you get it. Are you in LA? You wanna hang out in Los Feliz?

      JK!!!!! About the Los Feliz part.

  7. sophie

    this post is doubly excellent for me because my idea of LA is almost exclusively culled from bret easton ellis’ less than zero. now i am just re-imagining less than zero repopulated with you, john hamm, and a lot of neckbeards.

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  9. ThisIsNotMyRealName

    Who the fuck is John fucking Hamm? I’ve never heard of him. Then again, I just found out who whatsherface from that show is. Heidi something. I don’t even care.

    I actually wonder what it was like when Mr. Hamm met his future girlfriend. I wonder if his first impression was “what a fucking douche, trying to cast me in a movie for free at a party.” Maybe he only got close when he had no expectations. I say “maybe” but I know I’m right. :) Expectations turn everyone into stammering, bumbling idiots. Even John Hamm, I’d imagine.

    -New reader

    P.S. The Valley kicks major ass. Parking + ??? – Traffic – Pretentiousness = Win

  10. BP

    reall y really can’t help it, I still want a cookie for knowing that was a Dorothy Parker line, peanut butter please

    I won’t be having tea with MC anytime soon either, obviously. Heard your J. Hamm is en route but that he writes off starbucks girls, so yea and you’re welcome

  11. Alexis

    I like your blog very much, but I think you undervalue the East of Hollywood. It’s a fun/convenient/walkable alternative to West Hollywood douchebaggery & there’s delicious food & coffee there.

    call me an asshole all you want, but i still like you. who’s the jerk, now?

    :-)

    1. Ramsey

      Alexis,

      I recently moved to East Hollywood. I see that you commented there was great food and coffee there. Unfortunately I have only found thai restaurants- dozens of them. I am a thai-once-every-two-months kinda person. Where else is there?

      Honest confusion,
      Ramsey

      1. Alexis

        Eastward From Thai Town to Echo park there’s so much goodness: Square One (epic brunch), The Oaks Village Gourmet, Saap Noodles, Murakami Sushi, the original Zankou Chicken, Locali —>further East is Forage (they serve my fave San Francisco Blue Bottle Coffee), Garage Pizza,, Downbeat Coffee, (the obvious: Intelligentsia, LA Mill), Taco Zone Truck …i could go on and on.

        hope that helps a bit,
        Alexis

  12. tawniethetiger

    i…do NOT live in silverlake…or echo park for that matter. but i do however go to alot of parties and know quite a few people who live there. and youre right…most of them are assholes.

    i once went to this guys house who lived up on a really nice hill in echo park. he was in a band, and he had a magazine which just happened to have a review of his bands latest album sitting on his coffee table. how convenient. he was also “babysitting” his friends huge pot plant. i think those 2 tidbits pretty much define this guy…and probably all of his friends…and most of the people who weve all met in silverlake/echo park. theyre all people who will never be important enough for us to remember their names, yet we will remember the tiny little pieces of info about them that made us say “oooooooooookay…”

    what will future generations think of us…seriously.

  13. Lauren

    ohh man silverlake. I used to remember it as a place where you did not want to get stuck at 2am drunk. I used to go to this club called 82 at the echo and a homeless Mexican woman with missing teeth aptly name “Mama” would watch our cars in exchange for listening to her crazy meth stories or cash of course.
    I was recently out there for the Up the antics block party and the whole place is so hip and full of organic restaurants and used bookstores.

  14. Chelsea

    I linked back to this article from your most recent post about finding your new apartment in Los Feliz. I have to tell you that I recently saw John Hamm in Beachwood Canyon, getting out of some really expensive car with weird government plates, wearing a scarf that was very obviously not used for warmth. Yep, you read that right. John Hamm wearing a fashion scarf.

    I still don’t know how to feel about any of that.

    Also, I live in Silver Lake and you’re right about everything. I could probably do an entire post about La Mill Coffee in itself because I once overheard the guy at the counter tell a customer that a particular blend was “basically the Bentley of coffees.” But I like my house and my parents don’t pay for it. I am also terrifyingly unpopular so forget about the thought of running into me at a house party. I do, however, have a neckbeard.

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