Happy 2nd Blogiversary.

Mar

2011

Two years ago today I started this blog. This was the first post. Yeah.

I just want everyone to know that before I switched from blogspot to wordpress, I had lots of comments on my old posts. I’m telling you this so that you know I was popular and won’t feel sorry for me. Also I want you to know I didn’t purposefully delete your comments. I never delete comments. I’ve gotten such great, insightful, and weird funny comments from you guys over the years and I cherish them. Even the mean ones, of which there haven’t been many, so thank you.

To thank everyone for sticking with me and continuing to read, I made y’all a mix “tape.” It’s not a tape. Obviously. You can download it onto your computer and then play it as you hold up a tape recorder and press record. I did that once. Got a great police siren in the background. Really added something to Aretha Franklin’s “Respect.” Anyway. It’s called “I Think I’m Having A Good Time.” It’s like those times where you’re at a party and you’re with your friends and you know you look good but you’re wondering if deep inside something is missing because you love pop music of the 60s and 90s but you’re not dancing just yet and you’re trying to figure out why.

TRACKLISTING:

1. Come See About Me — Diana Ross & The Supremes
2. And She Was — Talking Heads
3. Ca Plane Pour Moi — Plastic Bertrand
4. Donne Moi Ton Amour (Gimme Some Lovin’) — Sylvie Vartan
5. I Dig Everything — David Bowie
6. All Together Now — The Beatles
7. Nights On Broadway — Bee Gees
8. It’s The Little Things — Sonny & Cher
9. Sex And Candy — Marcy Playground
10. It Don’t Come Easy — Ringo Starr
11. These Boots Are Made For Walkin’ — Amanda Lear
12. Sweet Talkin’ Candy Man — The Carrie Nations (Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls)
13. What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted — Diana Ross & The Supremes

download I Think I’m Having A Good Time

I think I did it right, but if it doesn’t download properly, LET ME KNOW. PLEASE.

Much love for Emily who made the cover art. She’s super talented and you should read her blog here and follow her here.

We’ve had some good times. Do you have a favorite post? If so, please tell me. I love your feedback. Unless it’s hateful, then go fuck yourself. Have a fun weekend!!!!! xx

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Words & Phrases That I Overuse.

Mar

2011

“What time is it?” / “What day is it?” / “Am I hungry?” / “I’ll have an iced tall skinny vanilla latte, please.” / “Wait what’s going on?” / “I don’t even know what’s happening right now.” / “Do I like you?” / “Do I have to take the freeway?” / “Where is that?” / “What is that?” / “Who is that?” / “I think we’ve met.” / “Oh my God, I’m so sorry.” / “And I was like, ‘what?'” / (In the company of one other person) “You guys.” / “Where am I?” / “Is 3 o clock too early to start drinking?” / “Why does that guy/girl have a pilot and I don’t?” / “I should write for The Simpsons.” / “I’m not sleeping with you tonight.” / “Why does everything bad happen to me?” / “Where are my sunglasses?” / “I’m running a little late.” / “I’ll be there in, like, twenty minutes.” / “I’m bored, you wanna make out in my car?” / “I can’t sleep.” / “Okay.” / “Is that guy hot? I can’t tell, I don’t have my glasses on.” / “Have I been here?” / “I broke the cork in the bottle again.” / “I’m sorry.” / “I’m sorry that I’m sorry.” / “I’m exhausted, I’m just going to stay in and watch American Idol.” / “Is it safe to mix these two pills?”

Tomorrow is my Blogiversary. 2 years. Expect a fun little post tomorrow in celebration of this intangible internet thing. Treats for all.

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Teaser for Apocalandis Part Two.

Mar

2011

Here’s a little clip of what you’ll see in part 2 of Apocalypstick & Max Landis offer you advice.

We got a LOT of questions this time, so it’s going to take me longer to edit it. I may have to pull some Harry Potter shit and split it into two parts. I’ll try not to.

In the meantime, please enjoy this thoughtful and funny piece by Laurenne Sala. It has the wit and hilarity of a New Yorker cartoon. But with vaginae: Fruitcake

Feel free to use this post as a discussion of our videos, oral sex, vaginal odor, and vulva perfume. Please DO NOT use this post to talk about Charlie Sheen. This is a SHEEN-FREE ZONE. Yes, he’s so amusing and funny with his “tiger blood” and “winning” but he BEATS WOMEN and says HORRIBLE THINGS ABOUT JEWS. Of all people who deserve attention, he is at the bottom of my list. So if you want to Sheenize, take that shit to Twitter, or better yet, NOWHERE.

Thank you! And yes, I did change my font, because Helvetica gives me such a heartboner.

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Get Back.

Mar

2011

I don’t want a serious relationship. I am not ready.

Thus, if I am dating you, don’t turn it around and pull that line on me. You can’t say that first, because I said it first. That’s like firing me when I already quit. So let’s get that right out there, cowboy style. Don’t use that line with me, because I am already using it on you. It’s been used. It’s been played. It’s Mrs. Peacock in the study with the wrench.

Here’s my next point. If you broke up with your girlfriend within the past year, STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME. DO NOT TALK TO ME. DO NOT EVEN LOOK AT ME. YOU CAN STUFF YOUR SORRIES IN A SACK, MISTER. Why is it that I attract men who just got out of complicated relationships? IF YOU STILL HARBOR FEELINGS FOR YOUR EX OR ARE SUPER FRIENDLY WITH HER, GET. THE. FUCK. AWAY. FROM. ME. GET OUT OF MY OCTAGON.

Yes, everyone is probably someone else’s ex. But I have this uncanny ability to find them RIGHT AFTER they become an ex. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, or why this happens to me. I’m not angry with everyone though. I recently ended something with this guy I was seeing who wasn’t ready for a relationship either, and he is probably the only person I actually want to stay friends with. Usually when you date someone and it doesn’t work out, you’re like, “K bye” but I get where he’s coming from.

THAT BEING SAID. DO NOT. TALK. TO ME. IF YOU. JUST GOT OUT. OF A SERIOUS. RELATIONSHIP.

Not sure if your relationship was serious? Here are some clues:

— Every other night you collapse in a ball in the corner of your shower and sob.

— You constantly check your ex’s Facebook and are possibly signed in as them because you know their password.

— When you’re on a date, you sigh a lot and stare into the distance.

— You dated a.) for a long time or b.) in a short amount of time but it was so intense that you call your ex “She who shall not be named.”

— You can’t stop talking about your ex. Even when you know you should stop.

I’M GLAD WE ESTABLISHED THIS. If you’re not ready, don’t pretend that you are. Don’t convince yourself into thinking that you’re ready. Don’t date for a while. It’s a bad idea. If you need physical contact, get it from an ex that you are on good terms with and didn’t get your heart broken over. Do not tell me that you “just want to have fun” because I know what that means and I am not going to be your sexual release because your ex wasn’t ready to move it to the next level, or whatever the hell happened that lead to your break-up. If you want to be my friend, then that’s awesome, because I am a good friend. But don’t even HUG me (and I don’t mean one of those, hi it’s me your friend hugs, I mean those let me hug you at your waist for a few seconds hug) if you’re not ready to fully, 100%, date. I have to protect myself.

And if you kiss me, don’t suck at it. If I feel your tongue before your lips, then you suck at it. If I feel more of your tongue than your lips, then you are bad at it. If you pet my hair while you’re kissing me, then you are just fucking weird and should not do that.

Thank you.

Hold It Against Me — Britney fucking Spears

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It’s Not TV.

Feb

2011

You may have noticed that I haven’t posted about myself in a while. I’ve mentioned that a lot has happened in my life recently. I’m not going to get into all of it, but I’ll tell you this. I am going to move out with another single gal and we’re going to live together in a cute little house here in LA!

The other single gal is my mom.

Yes. I never, ever saw this coming. My mom and I are two single roomies. My friends say it sounds like a network sitcom but I think it’s more like a Showtime dramedy. Who would play me? You know that teen from Californiation, the one Duchovny effed? “Mia”? My mom thinks we look alike. She could play me. Shannen Doherty is too old now to play me now. I’d like Kat Dennings but she just got a show. So did the girl who played Janis Ian in Mean Girls and the indie girl in Cloverfield. When I was younger and blonder, right around when Lost In Translation came out, people told me I looked a lot like “that girl from that Bill Murray movie.” But then I guess I got uglier. Or maybe she just changed a lot. No one looks like me. I look like no one. This is a good thing but I don’t want to play myself in this show. I don’t even want to play it in real life. However I will take any offers and/or suggestions.

Suzanne Somers would be a great person to play my mom except she’s a little too old. Lauren Graham would be good, as we already have that Gilmore Girls vibe going, but that seems overdone with her now. I kind of want Lisa Kudrow, she would be good. She doesn’t look like my mom though. Ali MacGraw does, but my mom thinks that’s an insult (I have no idea WHY, MacGraw is stunning but O OK mom), and now MacGraw is too old anyway. If we’re going to do the sitcom route, it could be Jessica Simpson. That would be hilariawesome. But OK, sticking with the Showtime pitch that I do not have, I should suggest someone more like…Angie Harmon. But blonde.

I already wrote a pilot based on my blog but I’m wondering if I should go in a different direction. This mother/daughter thing might be worth looking into. There’s Gilmore Girls and Golden Girls, but are there any other good mother/daughter shows? And wtf, what is with adding “girls” to everything? Spice Girls. None of those women were girls. Backstreet Boys, Beach Boys, New Kids On The Block — your problem was not thinking of your future and injecting your band name with an idea of eternal youth that doesn’t hold up. The Rolling Lads? Yeah, no. Although The Beatles are my favorite band ever, I think that The Beatles is the worst band name ever. At least they didn’t go with “The Shoes.” Lennon suggested that name because he said the name didn’t matter, they could be anything. OH WOW, SO DEEP.

I kind of get what he means though. You could cast anybody as me or my mom and you could turn my life into any kind of show, and it would be different, but it would still be the same at the core. It wouldn’t matter because it’s from the same place, the same us, the same truth.

MONEY.

Find It — The Carrie Nations (Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls)

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SHUT UP APOCALYPSTICK.

Feb

2011

I don’t know what’s going on with me lately, or if this is something I’ve always done and haven’t noticed, BUT I CAN’T SHUT THE FUCK UP. By which I mean, if you engage me, I will go on tangents like they’re a free trip to Paris. If I’m introduced to a group, I am shy, unless I start drinking or unless you engage me. And if you engage me, watch the fuck out. You know those movies where there’s that adorable quirky girl that is fascinating? Or is supposed to be, but actually she’s not quirky, she just has no filter and won’t shut the fuck up?

HI!!!!!!!!

Last night I was at a dinner and I felt the need to tell this guy about myself, but 90% of what I told him was totally unnecessary and not remotely interesting. Example:

DUDE: What do you do?

ME: Oh I’m a writer, I mean sort of, I have this blog, wait here’s my card! I don’t mean to be weird it’s just I have these cards and I really like them but I’m trying to get rid of them because I should have gotten them glossy but I didn’t, so now I want to get them glossy but I should give these out first. But you seem really cool so I actually really want you to have my card. (Takes out card, gives it to guy. Guys says card is cool, thus making the mistake of engaging me further.) Yeah, I love these, I love the people who made my blog, they’re called Shaterboxx media, you should contact them if you need a website or blog or something, so I have this blog, it’s about dating and relationships and living in LA, but I don’t really know, so I do that, and I blog for other sites, and I used to have a part time job but I quit that, and now I’m doing something else, but this ring I’m wearing was from my old job, but anyway, I write and oh I also have a column for this magazine, it’s called Genlux, it’s this fashion magazine, I don’t know, I have a relationship column in it. We just did this photo shoot, it’s in the latest issue, with Emmy Rossum on the cover, where we did this fashion spread on bloggers and I was in it, but I wasn’t crazy about my hair at first but I don’t know, I always have issues with my hair. I just got my bangs trimmed.

YES. ALL HE ASKED ME WAS WHAT I DO.

Dustin, if you’re reading this, thank you for not punching me in the face.

There’s a fine line between Annie Hall and Annie, Get Your Gun And Shoot Yourself In The Face. Oh my God, these puns, I’m like Carrie Bradshaw. I mean I think she’s awesome, but she had some pretty bad puns. Isn’t it weird how she’s such a big cultural figure that she’s become more famous than Sarah Jessica Parker?

AND THERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER TANGENT.

I guess most of my blog is tangents, but I hope that they’re somewhat related to each other, like some weird inbred family. It’s just that my brain is constantly rambling with anecdotes and things that I shouldn’t say out loud, but actually most of the time it works out. Something that you would say to a normal person would get you slapped but maybe it’s because I’m charming or because I hang out with awesome people, but they get it. They go with it. If they don’t go with it, it’s awkward. It’s usually awkward either way, but it’s especially awkward when someone is on a totally different wavelength. It’s like what do you talk about? You talk about Facebook.

Facebook has replaced weather as the default conversation topic.

It’s sad but true?

I don’t know, I’m just going to shut up and drink my wine.

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