SNEAK PEAK VIDEO! APOCALYPSTICK AND MAX LANDIS!
Feb
11
2011
John Cusack, WTF?
Feb
09
2011
I have a really important issue here.
John Cusack.
John Cusack, for seemingly no reason, blocked my friend Julia on his Twitter. Julia is a huge fan. Here is what went down:
johncusack i may invoke twiiter [sic] rule 7439.8 ” if one fills feed with cap lock lines from one of my old movie he may be blocked without mercy
juliagazdag @johncusack what about twitter rule #243b: “thy tweets shall at least attempt some semblance of correct spelling and grammar.”
johncusack and your blocked! RT @juliagazdag: twitter rule #243b: “thy tweets shall at least attempt some semblance of correct spelling and grammar.”
johncusack i just viciously blocked someone who tweeted false rule about spelling_ was tough love but i had to do it
juliagazdag Most people find “sassy” charming. @johncusack apparently finds it offensive. Sass lost in typed translation? Either way, I am now sadfaced.
johncusack just blocked the wrong person i think.. oh well.. sorry!
juliagazdag Do you mean me? If yes, yay. If no, continuing with sadface. RT@johncusack just blocked the wrong person i think.. oh well.. sorry!
And that was it. HE IGNORED HER SAD FACE PEOPLE. HE. IGNORED. HER. SAD. FACE. All she did was point out a minor spelling mistake in a cute, lighthearted way, because she is a huge fan. AND HE THREW A TWITTER TANTRUM AND BLOCKED HER.
We cannot let John Cusack get away with this. I think we can all agree that this is the most pressing issue of the year. Join me, friends. Join me in the fight. Here’s how. I tweeted this:
Hey, @johncusack , Why did you block my friend @juliagazdag? She didn’t even SAY ANYTHING.
Here’s what you can do. You can RT it (I’m @apocalypstick) or copy/paste the above and tweet it on your own. BUT WE MUST GET MR. CUSACK’S ATTENTION, BECAUSE UNFORTUNATELY, THIS ALL WENT DOWN ON SUPERBOWL SUNDAY. AND SOME PEOPLE SEEM TO THINK THAT THE SUPERBOWL IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN STARTING TWITTER FIGHTS WITH CELEBRITIES.
Together, we can do something really big. And by big, I mean get something popular on Twitter.
And Mr. Cusack, I am more than willing to hear your side of the story. I can interview you for my blog. If you say no, I will likely make up a fake interview like I did with the band Train.
(On a totally unrelated note, here’s something I wrote for This Recording called “The Dark Side of Audrey Hepburn.”)
ANYWAY. THE CUSACK THING IS REALLY IMPORTANT. JOIN ME, FRIENDS!!
Heaven Is Overrated.
Jan
31
2011
Pictured: not Train.
If you’re a part of my generation then you are more than familiar with the hit sounds of Train. I’m not talking about that Train that Ringo made sure was on schedule, but that was a good show, I’m talking about Meet Virginia, Soul Sister, motherfucking DROPS of JUPITER Train. And I happened to score an exclusive interview with the lead singer. Because I made it up.
APOCALYPSTICK: Hi, lead singer of Train!
LEAD SINGER OF TRAIN: (breaking into song) HAAAA-AAAY. HAAAAAAAAAAAY. HAAAA-AAAY HAAA-AAAAY.
A: Oh yeah, like that song you guys have that’s everywhere. How are you?
LST: Train!
A: Right, sure. Let’s start with the tough questions. Who would win in a knife fight: you or Rob Thomas?
LST: I am a peaceful man and I don’t believe in violence.
A: Okay but let’s say you’re in a knife fight with the Smashmouth guy, who would win?
LST: I would. I would stab the shit out of that guy.
A: Excellent. We thank you. In “Drops of Jupiter” you sing that, “She checks out Mozart while she does Tae Bo”. What the hell does that mean?
LST: She works out in front of a bust of Mozart. He’s great thinspiration. I thought I made that pretty obvious.
A: You seem to have an obsession with women working out. In “Meet Virgina” you sing about a girl who, “Wears high heels when she exercises.” You know women don’t do that, right?
LST: It’s a metaphor.
A: For what?
LST: For… (long silence) …America.
A: Okay. So back to “Drops Of Jupiter”–
LST: Are you going to keep asking me about “Drops Of Jupiter”?
A: From this point on, all questions will be about “Drops Of Jupiter” and “Drops Of Jupiter” only. Did you know that of this song and your performance of it at the Grammy’s a few years back, Kanye West said, “I liked when Train did ‘Drops of Jupiter.’ That was the first time I’d heard that song and I was like, ‘Oh shit, this is great!’”
LST: Yeah, Kanye and I are really tight.
A: Really? How so?
LST: I follow him on Twitter.
A: Uh…well, I mean…so do I. So does everyone.
LST: Yeah but I follow him really closely.
A: It doesn’t sound like you guys aren’t that close.
LST: We’re close. I always know exactly what’s on his mind.
A: So does everyone else. He’s Kanye West. He makes it known.
LST: (Pause.) Can we go back to “Drops Of Jupiter”?
A: Please. That song defined my high school years. Well, not all of them, just one. It wasn’t really the full year, it was maybe like six months. Or maybe it was in middle school, I have no concept of time. Then I kind of forgot about it, because I stopped buying those “Now That’s What I Call Music” CDs but then I got to that point where it was cool and fun to reminisce over 90s music and then I remembered the song and got in stuck in my head for another six months and now I think it’s the greatest pop song ever written, but my friend Dave says it sucks. What do you think?
LST: I think your friend Dave is a dick.
A: Oh snap! Now let’s talk about that key change, because the key change is what really makes the song. (I’m referring towards the end of DoJ: “did the wind sweep you off your feet“).
LST: That was my idea, that was all my idea. I have ideas.
A: Was the line about the soy latte your idea too? And, hey, what’s the best soy latte you’ve ever had?
LST: I don’t drink coffee. I just put that in there because it rhymed.
A: …It did? With what?
LST: It rhymed with this line we had before it but then we took that line out.
A: “She acts like summer and walks like rain.” How does one do that?
LST: Summer was this bitch I dated in high school and Rain is an exotic dancer with a limp.
A: You look so good and you’re in your 40s, how do you do it? You’re legit hot.
LST: Trains!!
A: Thank you for this made-up interview. I can’t wait for your next hit song that will nestle in my brain and play in a car commercial.
Typical Apocalypstick Post.
Jan
24
2011
This is what we call, “phoning it in.”
Photo of Faye Dunaway/Brigitte Bardot/Jane Birkin/Audrey Hepburn/Veruschka/other celeb whose style I adore here.
Summation of my life thus far here. Pop culture reference here. Quoting myself and/or others here. Discussion of a guy I did things with/dated/whatever here. 90s pop culture reference here. Agonizing over said guy here. Giving advice here. Pop culture reference that doesn’t quite work as well as the others here.
Description of a party I went to here. How much I hated the party and everyone there here. Pop culture reference both here and here. Dialogue here. Rant here. Possible description of what I was wearing here, but probably not. Recollection of something said at the party here. My reaction to it here. Literary reference here. Possible name-dropping here. Pop culture reference to try to win you back here.
Looking on the bright side here. Strides towards positivity here. Sentences ending in exclamation points here! Uplifting words here. Obscure pop culture reference here. Passion here. Joy here.
Depravity here. Sinking feeling here. Twenty-something angst here. Realization that when I am in my thirties I will miss my twenty-something angst here. Joke that I do not want to make it to thirty here. Pause to wonder if it is really a joke here.
Then giddiness here. Promises of and for a better future here. Reference to drinking here. Possible description of what I’m drinking at the moment here. Joke here. David Lynch reference meets something else here. Talk of a failed relationship here. Advice here. Quote from a celebrity/musician/song/film/whatever here.
More exclamation points here!!! Lots of them here!!
Satisfying wrap-up or mystifying wrap-up here.
Song that I have been listening to or really like that usually has nothing to do with the post here. Most likely it’s a mash-up here.
High And Dry.
Jan
22
2011
Photo of PrettyBoi by Ian Asbjørnsen
Hello everyone. I’m sorry I’ve been away. Like I mentioned before, I have a lot of insane things going on in my life right now. But not good insane, more like a “Let me tell my story on Oprah” insane or, to quote this dude Max, “Season finale shit” insane. I’m still not ready to talk about it, but I want you to know that I’m sorry I haven’t updated and I’m sorry I have responded to your emails. Don’t give up on me!
It’s very tempting to give up on people sometimes. We have all been guilty of that at some point in our lives. Maybe not Julie Andrews, but everyone else. And I am telling you, as someone who knows, please do not give up on your friends when they need you. Don’t assume that they’ll want to be alone or not want to be alone — just ask them. Ask them how they’re doing but really ask. Tell them to put on a party dress and take them somewhere, and it doesn’t matter if that somewhere is a party or a Supermarket, just do it.
My friend Kimme did exactly this. Despite the fact that she lives in Beverly Hills and I live in the valley and the restaurant was in Laurel Canyon and the party after that was in Los Feliz, she picked me up at my house. Now that is friendship. If you’re from L.A., you know that what I have just described is hardcore friendship. The theme of said party was psychedelic, post-apocalypse 60’s esque pop stars or something, so naturally Kimme and I decided to dress in serious 80s fashion. She wore a boxy business suit with hair piled over to one side, and I dressed like a dancer from Robert Palmer’s “Addicted to Love” video. We got to the party and Kimme introduced me to her friend whose mom actually was one of the dancers in the video. I apologized for accidentally dressing like her mom but thankfully she thought it was awesome. Then later I sat down next to this dude I’m pretty sure I’ve met like six times, who was wearing a jumpsuit and talking about how Prada’s new tan leather suit collection is “too mundane.” But it was exactly what I needed.
Reach out to a friend today you haven’t spoken to in a while. Call them, say hi. They’ll probably say hi, after a long pause. Then you’ll say, “How are you?” and they’ll say “…Fine. Is everything okay?” And you say, “Yes, why?” And they’ll answer, “You haven’t spoken to me in like, eight years.” And you can say, “This internet blog told me to call a friend.” And they’ll say, “What?” And you can tell them, “Yes, Apocalypstick.com.” And they won’t be able to hear that, so you’ll have to repeat it for them. You’ll have to say, “No NO. It’s A-P-O-C! CCCC-A-L-Y-P-S-T-I-C-K! K! LIKE APOCALYPSE, BUT WITHOUT THE E. TAKE THE E OFF. ADD ‘TICK’ TO THE S. IT’S REALLY NOT THAT HARD, CHRIST.” And they’ll say, “What is your problem?” And you’ll get frustrated and say, “THIS IS WHY WE NEVER TALK.” Then a few months from this you’ll get a text from your friend Cristy or something that says, “PARTY 2NITE!” and you go to the Party 2Nite, and guess who’s there? It’s your friend you tried to call and reconnect with. You’re going to pretend like you don’t see each other for the first hour of the party but then you’ll both me a little loosened up and you’ll hear Radiohead’s “High And Dry” play in the background and you’ll reminisce about that crazy middle school/high school/college trip and together you’ll join into the chorus, “DON’T LEAVE ME DRRRRRYYYYY-EEEYYYEEE” and you don’t even like Radiohead. And you’ll say it was good to see each other.
So do that and tell me how it goes.
Monogamy Is Such A Lonely Word.
Jan
12
2011
I’m sorry I’ve been updating so infrequently. I’ve had some sad sandwich in my life. Sad sandwich is my new way of saying, “There are so many shitty things going on in my life right now that I don’t want to talk about” because I think that sounds better. Feel free to use it. Confuse everyone!
I’ve said this before, so I’ll say it again, because it’s my fucking blog: I want a wedding but I don’t want a marriage. At least not the way my country (or is it culture?) defines marriage. The problem with marriage is the whole, “‘Till death to us part” thing. Name one thing in your life that you are confident you will love from this point until you die. For the longest time I thought I loved cheeseburgers, then I briefly went vegan. Now I’m back to eating meat and loving it, but I am still surprised that there was a period in my life in which I detested it. However, I think there is one exception. I think that people can have lifelong friends, and here’s why: you don’t have sex with your friends (or you have sex with your friends like once or twice and only because you’re both hung up on other people). Once you bring sex into it, everything changes. “I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS.” Me too, Mugatu. Me too. That’s what sex does.
I hate people who break up and say that they’ll always love the person they broke up with. Oh, okay. I guess love is not all you need. You think I’m naive for saying, “If you love each other, why isn’t that enough”? Well I think you’re naive for saying marriage vows and believing in them. I think the best way to ruin a relationship is by marrying someone. And now you’re going to tell me, “You’re wrong, I’m married and I’m happy and I cry rainbows and blah blah blah.” Okay, fine. I’m sure that’s true. But what about ten years from now? Twenty? You know those earnest wedding toasts where the young groom tells his young bride how excited he is to spend the rest of his life with her? Yeah, I don’t think he realizes what the rest of their lives could entail.
Here’s how I think marriage should work: it should be like leasing a car. You’re with a person for a set amount of time, maybe a year or four. Then after that period of time you decide whether or not you want to extend the marriage. And if you do, you sign a type if marriage lease. I think that this would help eliminate divorce. Marriage is a contract anyway, so why not make it something you can decide to renew or cancel?
What is so crazy about that? There’s a dude who married a video game character and yet God forbid gay people get married. It’s because marriage is a completely fucked institution.
Look, here’s the thing: I am not saying I will never get married. I’m young and I have no idea what my life is going to be like. I can’t even picture what next week looks like. But if I marry someone, I want to make damn sure that it’s for the right reasons and that I am aware of all the things they do that annoy me and that I can handle it for 10+ years before I sign up. And fuck I want the dress, I want the party, I want the photos, I want the ring. I’m thinking about buying my own engagement ring. Yes, I know that’s sad. I don’t care. Kanye probably has diamond fucking Adidas, I should be allowed to wear my own diamond engagement ring without being pitied.
Or what I will do, when I really find the right person, is to have a non-wedding wedding. We’ll have the party, the dress, the photos but we won’t sign a certificate. We’ll call it an “Us” party or an anniversary party. We celebrate our own birthdays, so why not celebrate our own relationships? Unless you’re an asshole. If you’re an asshole and you’re inviting me to your “look-h0w-happy-I-am” couples party, go fuck yourself.
I don’t know. I just think it’s all so fucking serious. Monogamy doesn’t have to be serious. It should be fun, it should be wonderful, it should elate you, it should be goddamn fucking Disneyland, and if it’s not, I am peacing the fuck out.
Us (Me and Mrs. Officer) — My Sick Uncle (Lil Wayne/Regina Spektor mashup)
The Time I Blew It With That Actor.
Jan
05
2011
I’m in a fashion shoot!! Whaaaaat??!! Check out the latest issue of Genlux!
Recently I got the chance to meet That Actor from this popular cable TV show. And I completely blew it.
Here’s how: vodka gimlet + two Moscow mules + approximately three shots of vodka + talking to That Actor = my own personal Titanic.
I watched his show occasionally but I mostly remembered him from this wonderful little indie movie he did when I was in college. I thought it would be a great idea to talk to him, never mind the fact that I was drunker than Ulysses S. Grant when he won the Civil War.
Neither of us knew who the guy was who the guy was who introduced us. Basically I grabbed this guy who was flirting with me and said, “INTRODUCE ME TO [THAT ACTOR] OVER THERE.” And he did, but for all I know he could have said, “Hi, I’m with the FBI, this crazy girl wants to kill you, I’m just going to need you to pretend to engage her so we can stand by ready with our guns.”
What did we talk about? I have no idea. I can barely remember. I know that I talked about Arby’s. Why? I have no fucking idea. I’ve never been to Arby’s. Maybe I have a secret deep passion for Arby’s and I’m hoping that one day I tell this to the right person who exclaims, “ME TOO!” and all will be well. Who the fuck knows.
I remember he told me that he liked my necklace. I said, “I think it would look good with your outfit,” and promptly pulled it off of my head. I then went to put it around his head and said, I swear to god, “I think your head is too big for this.” I told him I wanted to burn down the decorative swimming pool in front of us. I may have made a “That’s what she said” joke. I said, a few times, “Wait, can we start over? I’m Almie” and shook his hand (on the bright side, he sure didn’t forget my name by the end of the night….if that’s a bright side.) I told him, I’m not crazy. (Which is really great, that’s how you really convince people you’re not crazy, you know, by putting that idea into their heads in the first place. That’s like if a cute little ten-year-old-girl came up to you and said, “I’m not evil.” You would think, “Holy shit, this girl is evil.”) He said I didn’t need to say that. Then, to officially claim my place as the biggest loser of all time, I told him my story about how my friend interviewed him in college and how that should have been me and how he owes me an interview. He asked what for. I said, “My blog!” and gave him my card. He asked what my blog was about. I think I said, “Dating, living in LA, and feeling awkward kind of like this.” I joked about my card, saying that the “actress” description under my name was “theoretical.” He was a complete gentleman this entire time. I don’t know why he didn’t immediately get up and say, “Excuse me…I have to go stand over there…now” and leave. Maybe he thought I was entertaining in an R2-D2 kind of way. Like, oh look at it beeping! Look at its lights! Look at it spinning! Neat!
At one point someone tore him away for a press photo and he told me it was his boss and he would be back. My friend swooped in, said we had to go because she was tired, and I said OK and then teetered off to the bathroom. When I came back, the glaring brightness of the bathroom lights clashed with the darkness of the club and I couldn’t see a fucking thing. I put on my glasses. I think black glasses work really well with a little black dress and vintage necklace, and fuck whoever disagrees, I’m awesome. I wanted to say goodbye to That Actor, and at least I knew this time I could see him, and who knows when I would see him again.
I found him and said goodbye. He told me he didn’t recognize me with my glasses on. I think I may have shouted, “YEAH, GLASSES!” and high-fived him, but I can’t be sure. However I’m pretty sure that once again, for the love of God, I talked about Arby’s. He told me to get in touch with his people regarding the interview and I said something like, “Pssshh, you have my card, you get in touch with me.”
First impressions are everything. When guys meet me, in any situation, they either think I’m a manic pixie dreamgirl, like Annie Hall meets Ellen Paige meets every girl who works at a vintage store in Brooklyn, or they think I’m the manic crazy sullen girl who stands outside of 7-11s shouting at some guy named Brian or Jimmy. I can’t control that. But I think everyone needs to know that I am never that drunk. Earlier in the night I was absolutely charming. We all go a little mad sometimes. Actually, quoting a line from “Psycho” is probably not my best defense. Putting this on the internet may not be my best defense. But I think it’s a pretty great story about how really all we need to be is ourselves. We don’t need to get drunk. We are good the way we are. We have nothing to prove.
Though I have to say I’ve been dating This Guy right now who finds my drunken shenanigans “hilarious/adorable” so maybe it’s all about finding the person who not only accepts your awkwardness, but gives it a high-five.
Now please tell me your personal tales of drunken destruction.
