@TallulahFlyte on Twitter suggested that I do a post on how to avoid getting too drunk at holiday parties. Since I apparently know a lot about getting drunk and drinking, I am more than happy to offer my advice. See, I’m a writer, so it’s totally cool if I drink during the day. Perhaps I haven’t earned the right to drink like I’ve written the great American novel, but let me tell you something, apparently Jonathan Franzen has and the dude is duller than child scissors. I like my writers opinionated, classy, and yet hilariously drunk. The actual writing is incidental.

It’s the season of holiday parties, and you should have fun, responsibly. It’s tempting, especially in an awkward social situation (like a work party or a party where that dude shows up you dated a while ago but then stopped dating because he loved Journey a little too much) where you think, “Boy do I need a cocktail!” No one would think twice if you said this in the 60s, but now in these hyper sensitive times of awareness and education and Cee Lo Green, everyone is really quick to ask you if you have a problem. You go up to a bartender and ask for vodka on the rocks and he stares at you and says, “Really?” and I have to say, “I’m German and Italian, I can handle it.” Then you go to another bar and ask for an Old Fashioned because that’s what Don Draper drinks and the bartender says it’s a “girly drink” before serving you up the worst goddamn Old Fashioned you’ve ever had, something that tastes like Hawaiian Punch.

Anyway. As soon as you get to the party, get a drink. Then get some food. Then stretch that drink over the course of several hours. Then eat more food. Eat something with heavy cheese or meat. Preferably both. If you’re going to have one drink, make sure that you know you can handle it and that you’re planning on staying there for a while. Last night I drank Brandy and earned the nickname Angela Lansbury and then ate a frozen hash brown, and so what? It’s called being responsible. Also if you’ve been sick for a few days but you think you’re well enough to sing karaoke, you are wrong. Now you’re back in bed watching seven episodes of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit and you realize that you’ve seen these episodes before and you don’t even care.

We all know that drinking makes people more attractive, unless these people are Mel Gibson. If you are around Mel Gibson and he is around alcohol, you should just save everybody time and call the police. By the time you hang up the phone he’s going to be cursing Jews and stomping on houseplants like he’s King Kong all the while panting and screaming. Do you want to be the Mel Gibson at someone’s Christmas party? Sure, it sounds funny now, but someone is going to record that shit on their phone and people will be appalled. You could also wind up at the bottom of a swimming pool because the backyard is poorly lit and you didn’t realize that you were about to walk into water. So. If you see a cute guy, stop and think, is he cute, or is he cute because I’m drunk? A good way to test this is to think about who would play him in a movie. Think of the actor before you start drinking, and then think about if it’s the same actor once you’ve started. If you’ve gone from say, Ernest Borgnine to Adrien Brody, then you are drunk and should stop.

But the real question is, how do you keep yourself from drinking too much when there’s so many delicious free drinks hanging out and everyone is merry and you’re all learning the true meaning of Christmas? Picture a cop walking in on you and observing your behavior. Does the idea freak you out? Then stick to one. Now picture your parents. Do they look disappointed? Stick to one. Do you vomit easily? Stick to one. Because the thing is, this shit is all going to wear off. That’s the important thing to remember. What’s fun now might be horrifying the next day. It’s all about keeping perspective. Just because it’s Christmas and/or New Year’s doesn’t mean that you have to drink everything in sight. The party does stop, Ke$ha. It stops.

Fame In The Club (DJ Milenko Mashup) — 50 Cent Vs David Bowie

In this fast-paced word of venti lattes and iphones and google and facebook and Cee Lo Green it’s easy to get overwhelmed and sometimes we have to ask ourselves, “Wait, am I drunk?” Here’s a handy guide for when you’re just not sure:

— You have an overwhelming urge to text everyone you know.

— If someone walks in on you peeing in the bathroom you just smile, wave, and say, “HELLO! WELCOME TO MY TOILET ROOM!”

— You freak out if the bartender takes a smoking break.

— You ask people to guess how old you are.

— You can go hours with a reduced vocabulary of “YEEEEAAHHH!”, “WHOOOOOO!” and loud high-fives.

— It suddenly seems like the perfect time to talk about your screenplay.

— You have a spirited conversation with five people about Goldeneye for N64. (“Facility is the best level!!!!!”)

— Tears for Fears actually inspires tears and fears.

— You find yourself thinking, “Holy shit I would love to hear some Billy Joel right now.”

— Cheese fries.

— “Hey, seriously though, why isn’t that guy talking to me? I mean I don’t care I just want to know. Really, what the fuck is his problem? Where did he go? Why isn’t he talking to me? No, fuck him! Fuck him! I’m awesome! I’m the best person here! I have the best hair!”

— Everyone looks like someone famous. But the famous people look ugly.

— You look at your boyfriend and think, “There is no way I am marrying this man if he doesn’t want to have a bouncy castle at the reception.”

— Then you tell him.

— Then you act like you were joking.

— Then he can tell that you weren’t joking and you start crying.

— 6 minute remixes of Katy Perry songs are awesome.

— You lost your lip gloss and you’re not even mad.

— You say, “I’m not drunk, I swear.”

Basically if you’re not sure if you’re drunk, you’re probably drunk.

Fuck You (Chiddy Bang Remix) — Cee Lo Green