How To Get Over A Break-Up.
Jul
14
2010
HAVE THE GREATEST SUMMER EVER!! LIKE A BACKSTREET BOYS SONG!! PART 3!!!
Jul
11
2010
I’ve given you tips on what to wear to your greatest summer ever and how to have the greatest summer parties ever but now I’m going to a final hint on how to conquer this summer: it’s all in your mind. “Having the greatest anything” is all a state of mind. You have to realize that you can do anything you want. It’s like our greatest childhood heroes LeVar Burton and Yoda told us. Well, LeVar didn’t actually sing, “I can be anything” but he did host Reading Rainbow. Yoda actually did say, “Do or not; there is no try.” Do you see how these two comments are related? Are you going to say something cynical like, “Yeah they’re both written by Hollywood writers who got stupidly rich off of children’s dreams”? You could say that, sure. Or you could look at it a different way and say, “Yes, I see. They both say that if I apply myself and believe in myself, and work hard, I can do anything!” Or something. You can connect the dots however you like. That’s the beauty of it! I’m not going to tell you how to do things or how to look at things. But I’m going to help you realize that you can have it all. Anything you want, you can make it yours. Anything you want it the world. Yes, I quoted a pop song just now, but Shakira and “Weezy” were really onto something powerful.
You can go anywhere or do anything already thinking that it’s going to be awesome and it will be. That’s how you have the best anything ever. Sure, there are times when you feel like taking 3 vicodin and calling it an evening while crying into your pillow but these times will pass. Go out, stay in, do what you feel is going to give you the best time out of your life. What are you doing with those cigarettes you picked up? Give those away. People love free cigarettes! If you hand them out at parties you will become the most popular person there. Then take whatever’s leftover, dump water on them, and throw them away. They will only make you look ugly. Maybe not now. Maybe now you look cool. But no one has ever smoked cigarettes long term and looked better than before they started.
You want to have the best summer ever? Do it. Do it now. Do whatever makes you feel good. Don’t workout because “you’re supposed to” do it because of the high you get when you’re finished. Do it because it makes you feel powerful. If you want to eat Egg McMuffins a few times a week instead of a “proper breakfast” then do that too. This is your summer. There is no shame in enjoying the small pleasures life has to offer. Because life can really fuck with you if you let it. But life can also offer you friends to talk to and places to go dancing. I know it might hurt now. I know you may not believe me that you really can have the best time of your life. Let me believe it for you. Then maybe you can believe it for me. Now go out and have fun.
California Gurls vs. Tik Tok (Does anyone know who I can credit this mash-up to?)
HAVE THE GREATEST SUMMER EVER!! LIKE ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCINOS!! PART 2!!!
Jul
09
2010
In Part 1 we talked about attending summer parties. Now let’s talk about how we’re going to dress this summer. This summer is all about dressing for success. You want to wear what’s comfortable or you want to wear what’s ridiculous. There is no in-between. You’re either going to wear that oversized Garfield t-shirt you’ve had since fifth grade or you’re going to wear your new vintage cocktail dress with fishnet tights and 90s Nine West boots. Don’t get stuck in the middle. The middle is nowhere. The middle is American Apparel, head-to-toe Urban Outfitters, or an uninspired outfit from the mall. AND THAT’S NOT HOW WE HAVE A GREAT SUMMER. No, no, we want to dress like Oberon or Puck from A Midsummer Night’s Dream meets Kylie Minogue. French 1960s cinema with a Kanye twist. Sexy George Washington. These are looks we should be going for.
Because it’s about more than what you wear. It’s about how brave you are. Or how creative. Or how fun. Or how strong. It’s about taking what’s inside you at this very moment and putting it on your body and face. (Don’t forget the makeup! Or sunscreen!) Don’t forget to dress for you, for how you really want. What was it Queen said? They said, “SHOW MUST GO ON.” Maybe you’re dying on the inside. Maybe you’re filled with rage. Or maybe you’re just filled with too much Chipotle. SHOW MUST GO ON. Good music and good summer fun can turn it all around. New clothes, vintage clothes, thrifted clothes, mall clothes, any clothes can make you feel better. Now say it with me, what did Queen say? I WANT TO RIDE MY BICYCLE, I WANT TO RIDE MY BIKE.
“But Apocalypstick, I’m not going to any summer parties!” Hey, you + one other person + this current month = summer party! A party isn’t about how many people are there (though at least three is best) it’s about your attitude. You could dress up and walk into a Costco and make that a summer party. What not? Free samples are like appetizers! Go up to your fellow shoppers and thank them for coming! You’ve got the magic in you!
It’s great to buy things. The right clothing purchase can save your life.
HAVE THE GREATEST SUMMER EVER!! LIKE LISA FRANK PONIES!! PART 1!!!
Jul
04
2010
SUMMER! HOT DOGS! SANTA MONICA PIER! UNIVERSAL STUDIOS! ARTIC KISS COCKTAIL (CHAMPAGNE WITH VODKA)! STRAPPY HEELS! INDIE BANDS IN CONCERT! DIRTY SUNGLASSES! WHERE DID WE PARK THE CAR! SUMMER!
Every day is a chance to have the best day of your life. So why not have the best summer of your life? NO ROXY BOARD SHORTS ALLOWED (unless you surf) — THAT’S NOT HOW WE’RE GOING TO DO SUMMER 2010!
In this first part, I’m going to advise you on how to handle those summer parties. You know the kind: there’s like 200 kids from 200 different social circles and there’s a DJ but he’s basically irrelevant because the party is so loud. HELL YEAH!
The most important thing to keep in mind at these parties: BRING YOUR OWN ALCOHOL. Yes, they will provide alcohol, but by the time you get there, it will likely only be keg beer. Don’t have a problem with that? THEN GO FOR IT, STAR! But if you’re like me and would rather not waste the calories, then you’ve GOT TO PLAN AHEAD. Had I realized this I would not have been culminating a buzz on Malibu Rum — THAT SHOULD NOT BE STRAIGHT UP, UGH. Bring little adorable bottles of alcohol, like the kind that Jack got on the airplane before the whole series culminated in a stupid-ass finale that disappointed millions! WE HAVE TO GO BACK, KATE — to drinking stylishly! And what better accessory is there than an adorable little bottle of Southern Comfort?
Now keep in mind that these parties are more often than not going to look like an Urban Outfitters expo. THAT’S OK, FUCK THAT, DRESS LIKE A SUCCESS. Wear that cocktail dress with that cocktail ring and put on those Vera Wang heels — HOWEVER, DO REALIZE THAT IT WILL BE HARD TO WALK DOWN AND UP HILLS AND STEPS AND THAT YOUR HEEL MAY GET CAUGHT IN BETWEEN THE SLATS OF A POORLY MADE WOODEN BALCONY AND YOU MAY SEE YOUR LIFE FLASH BEFORE YOUR EYES AND ALL YOU’LL SEE IS THAT TIME YOU DIDN’T BUY THOSE PAIR OF KILLER MARC BY MARC JACOB HEELS AT DSW AND IF YOU’RE OK WITH SEEING THAT, THEN GO FOR IT, SUPERSTAR!
Now here comes the fun part: socializing! Be sure to go a party that is full of struggling actors and/or comedians because the best thing about this group is that they NEVER ask you what you do for a living because everyone is so insecure and so worried that you’re doing better than they are that they don’t even want to know! It’s awesome!! It’s also best to go to these parties not holding grudges. Because it’s summer, and you’re young and attractive, and grudges just aren’t becoming. Who cares if you’ve screwed the entire ’09 Groundlings Comedy Troup? GET OVER IT, IT’S SUMMER! (I haven’t done this, btw. I don’t usually dig improv guys. SORRY! They’re just so…on. But there are a few out there who are worth your time — GO AFTER THOSE, SUPERSTAR!)
And finally, stay true to yourself. If you feel like Cher Horowitz at a Valley party, just say so! Which is what I did last night and inadvertently said it in front of one of the hosts — BUT GUESS WHAT, HE’S INTO IMPROV, SO HE TOTALLY RAN WITH IT! HUZZAH!
I’m not saying you should be ungrateful, I’m just saying, don’t be fake. If you’re going to be fake you may as well just sit at home. HAVE FUN, DON’T DRIVE DRUNK, AND BE KIND!
xoxo,
YOU FRIENDS AT APOCALYPSTICK (Me!!!)
P.S. Sorry if it’s not summer where you live! You can still apply these ways of thinking to any other social event. Because any way you want it, that’s the way you need it — any way you want it! ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCINO!
The Return Of Alejandro (Robin Skouteris Mix) — Lady GaGa vs. Ace of Base vs. Kalomira
Shameless Genlux Post!
Jun
29
2010
(MAD MEN!)
I’ve been away and I’m sorry about that. But. BUT. YOU CAN TELL ME TO STUFF MY SORRYS IN A SACK, BECAUSE I COME WITH ANOTHER SACK. OF GIFTS. OF POMPOSITY. Sort of. My interview with Jason Lewis (aka Smith Jerrod) is out and ready to read in the latest issue of Genlux! The Summer 2010 issue, the one with Jessica Alba on the cover!
Now if you don’t get Genlux, guess what?? Thanks to the wonder of the Internet and the fine people at Genlux, you can read it ONLINE. AND EVEN CLICK THE PAGES AND THE PAGES TURN AND IT MAKES A NOISE LIKE IF YOU WERE REALLY TURNING PAGES. THIS IS THE FUTURE! MEET GEORGE JETSON! HIS BOY ELROY! DAUGHTER JUDY! JANE, HIS WIFE! DISGRUNTLED ROBOT!
Go here: http://www.genlux.com/inthisissue.htm. Hint: page 36 for the interview. My regular column is on page 114 and it’s about — what else — my hatred for Facebook. I KNOW, I KNOW. I also wrote something else in there — try to find it! You know, if you’re an unpaid intern at some production company and are really, really bored at work.
Can’t Spell Confidence Without Con.
Jun
24
2010
amazing photoshop art by me.
Let’s say you know that you’re going to run into your ex at a party. We’re going to say this because my friend wanted me to write about what you would do in that situation. I don’t know why she thinks I would be the person to ask; if I ran into my ex at a party I would stand really, really still and hope that like the t-rex in Jurassic Park his sight was based solely on movement. Or I would take the Jeff Golblum approach and wave fire in his face. Either way, it’s not a healthy reaction. But OK.
Firstly, ask yourself if it’s really necessary to see your ex at this party. Does he owe you four dollars? Is that why you’re going? If so, I would stay home. Kiss that four dollars goodbye. It’s gone, forever. I know in these difficult economic times, four dollars sounds like a lot of money. But it’s just not worth it. If, however, your ex is still in possession of your priceless Picasso drawing, then yeah, maybe you should head over there. Once a guy invited me to his apartment to see his Warhol. But I don’t think it was a euphemism. He’s the kind of person who would have an original Warhol hanging in his apartment but no toilet paper.
I just want you to know that you’re a human being and as a human being you likely have enough stress in your life without adding a reunion with your ex to it. If, however, you feel that by avoiding him you’re only proving to yourself that you’re weak, then I’m not going to be able to talk you out of seeing him. So put on your best outfit and go! You’re going to want to wear what makes you feel the best. Who cares if that’s a black figure-hugging cocktail dress and it’s a pool party? If it’s something you can wear and rock the fuck out of, then everyone is going to think, “Damnit, why didn’t I think to wear a cocktail dress to this pool party? I look like a MORON in these board shorts!” It’s all about confidence.
But let’s say you don’t have any confidence. HERE’S HOW YOU FAKE IT:
Get really, really drunk. Get so drunk that you forget what day it is. Get so drunk that you would swear that that bald guy in the corner is Matthew Perry. Get so drunk that you have to google “walking” for a quick reminder of how it’s done.
Am I right or am I right?? WRONG. I’M NOT RIGHT. You shouldn’t have to get flaming drunk to handle this. If you do, then you’re not ready. If, however, you want to take half a glass of wine with you so you don’t do something weird with your hands, then go ahead. Now get into the bathroom and take a few deep breaths. I’m talking real deep breaths, like how they tell you to do in yoga. The kind I don’t do because I’m thinking, “This is boring, I just want abs.” But when you do that, and only focus on that, your heart rate will slow down. This is good. Then look in the mirror and tell yourself that you’re fine. This is just life. This is nothing you can’t handle. You’re going to be home soon with that box of girl scout cookies that is probably expired but who cares, you’re eating it for the children. Don’t say this out loud though, because if someone walks by, they might hear you talking to yourself, and shit will get awkward real fast.
Now what you’re going to want to do is get some positive reinforcement from your friends. Go up to your friend and make them laugh. If your friend isn’t around, call or text them. It helps to hear a friendly voice. It helps to hear encouragement and a laugh is the quickest way to that. If you say something that isn’t funny, tell them to laugh anyway. If they stare at you oddly, remind them of that time in San Diego when you helped them. That should shut them up.
Still not feeling confident? Think about Faye Dunaway. Bitch was always in control, even when she was working on a project that was doomed to fail (I’m talking Mommy Dearest of course.) But did The Dunaway slink off into the corner and cry about it? Fuck no! She straightened her shoulders and said, “Don’t fuck with me fellas — this isn’t my first time at the rodeo.” I always like to think about that when I need confidence. Mostly because it’s such a stupid thing to say that it makes me smile. It helps to have a sense of humor about yourself. And now, a completely out-of-context quote from Faye Dunaway’s autbiography, Looking For Gatsby:
Jack Nicholson is staring at me, his face in a barely contained rage. When Jack is angry, he gets very quiet. He is very quiet now, the words barely able to escape his lips as he tells me he doesn’t want to hear another lie. I’m shaken by the sense of menace that is in the air. I stumble over my words as I try to explain. Smack. My left cheek is stinging and there is a faint red mark left by his fingers. Smack. The force of the blow across my right cheek wrenches my neck. It has caught me off guard. I lose my footing and raise my arms to ward off the other blows I know will follow. Smack. Again and again he hits me. Within minutes I’m in a crying, crumpled heap on the couch.
This has been a completely-out-of-context quote from Faye Dunaway. You just have to remind yourself that there is no winning or losing. So many people want to play that game, where they can say, “Well his new girlfriend looks like Rodney Dangerfield so I clearly won!” But I think that by even playing that game you lose. You have to think that you’re above it. You automatically win just by seeing him and appearing in control and cool. I don’t mean cool like calm, I mean cool like, the Rat Pack or whoever the kids admire these days. You want to walk away with people thinking, “Wow, Evelyn is such a cool girl, I just love her.”
Above all, the easiest way to fake confidence is by keeping it brief. Don’t interact with him more than necessary. Realize how cool you are. Tell yourself that this moment will be over soon and that you can laugh about it later with your friends. And remind yourself why you’re not with this dork anymore. Then get the fuck out of there, because you’ve got important shit to do.
Invisible Typewriter.
Jun
21
2010
‘Tis the season of breaking up, it seems. A couple of my friends just broke up with their dudes while others contemplate breaking up. These are trying times. (For the record, I am NOT breaking up, so there is nothing to read into here! Face value only. Fun fact: I originally typed “face value” as “face failure.” I say we coin “face failure” as a new saying. Any ideas of what it could mean?)
If you’re currently going through a break-up, I offer my condolences and the following that may or may not help you. I’m not going to say, “Everything’s going to be okay” because you’ve probably heard that phrase a lot lately and it may not mean anything to you anymore.
First, I think you’re going to need to say “yes” a lot. Your friends want to take you out for a comforting drink? Say yes. You got invited to a party? Say yes. You got an offer to work on a project? Yes. That dude you used to hang out with asked you out? Say yes! You need to be as busy as possible right now. You need other things to focus on aside from your own misery. Unless you can turn your misery into something productive like “500 Days of Summer” or any Smiths song.
Now about that date. Some dude (or lady) might call you up and ask you if you want to go for a drink. Unless this person is an awful, awful person you have nothing to lose by going out. You don’t have to fall in love with this person or promise them anything. However if they’ve been in love with you since second grade, now might not be the time to go on this date and break their heart. But have a little fun. Remember flirting? Try doing that again. Be flirted with. Fun fact: asking a girl if you can take a picture of her boobs for your “art book” is NOT flirting. Don’t do that!!
Now, you’re getting out there, going out, seeing that band, going to that play, getting drinks, writing, selling coffee, whatever the kids are doing. Usually around this point, the point where you’re finally ready to face the world by yourself, acknowledging how much that sucks but no longer crying over it, this is the moment where the ex comes back into the picture. It’s like they have radar for knowing the exact moment when you’ve forgotten about them, or at least started to get over them, when they barge right in, like the Kimmy Gibbler of your full house.
It’s going to be very, very tempting to accept their offer for “coffee” or “hanging out” or whatever seemingly innocent activity they offer you. Here’s what you need to do, when they call you and tell you about their lives and how great they are, and how you guys should meet up: smile and nod. Not literally, because you’re on a telephone, and they can’t see you unless you’re on a videophone like Beyonce raves about. You need to figuratively smile and nod. Play it cool. It’s like when Homer called the police about an alien sighting and Chief Wiggum answered:
HOMER: The alien has a sweet heavenly voice. Like Urkel. And he appears every Friday night. Like Urkel.
WIGGUM: Wow, your story is very compelling, Mr. Jackass, I mean, uh, Simpson. So I’ll just type it up on my invisible typewriter.
That’s what you need to do. You need to take his information in, and type it up on your invisible typewriter. Who cares if you still love him? Who cares if he still loves you? He’s got to fight for your love. Nod and smile.
Remember that your ex is like that Into The Wild kid. He wants to go into the wilderness, but he left without a map, and he’ll probably starve to death. If he wants to figure shit out, he can buy a map. He’s probably in a place right now where even if you gave him a map, he wouldn’t use it.
Note: not all relationships are like this, of course. I’m not suggesting that the man is always at fault. Maybe you screwed up epically and there is nothing you can do to fix it. In which case, now you know better, so you can do better.
