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Best Picture Nominees 2016

best picture nominees 2016

David Bowie is dead. This has nothing to do with the best picture nominees of 2016, but it needs to be said. I am having a difficult time coping with his death, so I thought I’d try and distract myself by writing about movies. So here is my take on the 2016 best picture nominees, as represented by GIFs of David Bowie.

 

Mad Max: Fury Road

David Bowie

Mad Max is a movie about the worst road trip ever. You’ve got Tom Hardy who is, yet again, wearing a stupid thing on his face. You’ve got a bunch of angry Australian people. You’ve got Charlize Theron being totally badass but only having 6 lines. The whole thing is like a ride at Universal Studios, but the kind of ride where you’re sitting in something and the screen is moving but you’re barely moving, and you’re trying to believe that you’re there, but if you just look behind you, you see an exit sign, but you’re not allowed to leave. And everyone else around you is like, “Holy shit, guys, we’re moving!” and you’re like, “No, we’re not, we’re not doing anything” and then you take some Ativan and suddenly the film is a lot more enjoyable.

 

The Revenant

David Bowie

The Revenant is a movie about the worst camping trip ever. Leonardo DiCaprio gets left behind in the snowy wilderness by Tom Hardy, who, instead of having a face contraption, has a stupid beard, so once again, you can’t tell it’s Tom Hardy. Fuck that guy. That guy needs to man up and show his fucking face. Anyway, Leonardo DiCaprio has to find food and shelter, and he soon realizes that sometimes, those are the same thing. And he’ll probably win an Oscar for this which will be awesome because then everyone can shut the fuck up about him not having an Oscar.

 

Room

David Bowie

Room is a movie about the worst landlord ever. Brie Larson plays a woman who is trapped in a room for 7 years with a kid. Jesus Christ. The kid is annoying. Then William H. Macy shows up, acts pissed off, and leaves the movie. Oh, and spoiler alert: it’s not even a room, it’s a shed. False advertising. It should be called Shed.

 

Spotlight

David Bowie

Spotlight is a movie about the worst episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit ever. A bunch of newspapers reporters are like, “Aw, jeez, priests are touching kids!” And Mark Ruffalo is like, “Someone’s gotta stop them, guys! They’re touching kids! We gotta stop ’em!” and slams a door. And everyone’s like, “Yeah.” And Stabler and Benson are nowhere to be found, so it’s basically the longest, most boring episode of SVU ever made.

 

Bridge of Spies

David Bowie

Bridge of Spies is a movie about the worst bridge ever. There are so many great bridges out there, like the Brooklyn Bridge, or the Golden Gate Bridge, or the Bridge on the River Kwai, or Jeff Bridges. And they choose to make a movie about a bridge of spies? That isn’t even structurally sound. Pass.

 

The Big Short

David Bowie

The Big Short is a movie about the worst episode of The Office ever. Steve Carrell is Michael Scott but without the endearing qualities of Michael Scott. Ryan Gosling is a jacked-up Jim. Brad Pitt is Stanley, because he doesn’t give a fuck. And Christian Bale is skinny Dwight. Everyone’s talking at you through the screen and commenting on what’s going on and you’re just like, what the fuck is going on, is this a movie? Or is this a YouTube video that got out of control? And where are the leading female characters? Did the 2008 housing crisis happen only to men?

 

The Martian

david bowie gif 1

The Martian is a movie about why we should never let Matt Damon go into space. How the fuck do you get typecast as the guy who gets stranded in space? We get it, you suck at space. Stop going there. Space is not for you. Jesus.

 

Brooklyn

David Bowie

Brooklyn is a movie about who the fuck cares, this looks boring as shit.

 

Goddamnit, I miss David Bowie.

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10 Things That Will End A Relationship Before It Begins

Actress Sophia Loren humorously berating her husband, movie producer Carlo Ponti, while dining in restaurant. Alfred Eisensteadt

Relationships are hard. So hard, that sometimes we destroy them before they even come to be. We’re just so excited about this new person, this new prospect, that we just want to jump to the end where everyone is happy and in love. And in doing that, we ruin the whole thing. If this hasn’t happened to you yet, keep doing what you’re doing and avoid doing these things. And to those who have done one, or some, or all of these things — I feel you. I really do.

Here are 10 things that will end a relationship before it begins.

10. Being available all the time.

jason segal gif

If you’re available a lot, that’s fine. But don’t let anyone know that. You want people (and not just people you want to date and have sexy times with) to think that you’ve got a life full of important and fabulous things to do. And if you’ve got too much time on your hands, then find something to do. Clean your apartment. Make plans to see that friend you haven’t seen in years — and actually do it. Make your own schedule.

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