Category Archives: what’s going on you guys

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?

Photo of my friend Chelsea as Edie taken by Lisa.

I do, sometimes. (I’m quoting Katy Perry who sings, “Do you ever feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind wanting to start again?”). I cringed at first with this simple “American Beauty” inspired lyric, but now when I’m feeling down all I have to say is, “I feel like a plastic bag” and my friends just get it.

Things are pretty much super in my life right now, so of course I wish it was different.

You want a rocket ship and then you get a rocket ship and suddenly you panic and think, no I don’t want this fucking rocket ship I want a boat. It’s something like that. It’s the feeling you get when everything is going right.

Contrary to what you’d think, it rarely feels good to feel right.

It’s like, this is not my beautiful house. This is not my beautiful wife. How did I get here? Where are my keys? I lost my phone.

The easiest thing to do in this situation is to take a deep breath and say, happily, “I don’t give a fuck.” Look at your watch and realize that it’s I Don’t Care O’clock. It’s freeing. I’ve also found that it actually really helps to listen to the Katy Perry song (“Firework”). When I’m stuck in traffic on the drive home I blast it 4 times in a row. My drive home is an hour and a half. If anyone wants to make me a mix and post it/has a mix already made, please link me. It would make my days. It’s in bold because it’s really important.

So what’s my problem? If everything is so good why does it feel so weird?


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What's My Name Again


I just got bangs and I feel like my whole personality is different. In acting it’s very important to find your “type”. My type is quirky/artsy/bitchy Ellen Page bullshit, apparently, but I hate EP so I’m trying to sell a more Lizzy Caplan & Zooey Deschanel type vibe. (Although let me say that I will go with WHOEVER gets me the most buzz/money/whatever.) Hence the bangs. That Zooey is so hot right now.

But the bangs are really having an effect on me. I feel more like a little girl. I had bangs when I was a little kid. These take me back to that. Also they’re in my face/eyes constantly. And they’re making my forehead break out. Thus I feel more insecure. They’re easy to hide behind, too. So I do a lot of hiding.

People who see me probably think I listen to The Shins. They’re probably surprised that I’m not wearing flannel. I bought a flannel shirt yesterday. I felt like I had to. In 5th grade everyone had No Doubt’s Tragic Kingdom. It was like, “Welcome to 5th grade, here’s your copy of Tragic Kingdom.” This is no different. “Welcome to your bangs, here’s a flannel shirt, enjoy.”

Furthermore, I don’t think my hair dresser really listened to what kind of bangs I wanted. Although I brought in photos of Zooey D I find myself with a very distinct 60s haircut. The bangs are longer on the sides and kind of curve in. It’s like I’m wearing a Beatles wig with extensions. OK, it’s not that bad. I like the bangs. But they’re not the kind of bangs I was hoping for. Who would have thought that there were different types?

Oh I’m sorry. “Fringe” for all of you UK-ers. Yes, I think your term makes way more sense than ours. What in the sweet fuck is a bang? But a fringe, that’s actually something you can picture.

Maybe once they grow out I can get them re-cut to how I originally wanted. People can do that, right? Re-cut a fringe? Why doesn’t anyone understand me?

I have lots of vintage dresses but maybe I should buy more. I bought more striped shirts yesterday. That’s a start, right? I just want to be loved. I just want someone to tell me what to do and what to say and what to wear at all times. Can I pay someone to do that? To come over to my house and plan my outfits for a good 4 months ahead and tell me, “Oh you should absolutely say this at that party tomorrow” or “Honey, never tell this person this because they think this about you and this.” Oh gosh. Maybe I should just get a television in my room instead.

Devil’s Haircut — Beck
This Is Not A Test — She & Him
I Was Made For You — She & Him
You Make My Dreams — Hall & Oates


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Let’s All Just Feel Badly For Ourselves.

Remember all of that stuff I say about “letting it go” or something? Sometimes you just want to drink and eat McDonalds and feel sorry for yourself. Or maybe that’s just me. I don’t care, it’s my blog, I’ll write whatever I want. Anyway. Here you go, self (and possibly others), for when you want to drown in your swimming pool of self pity:

~~ You failed. You failed and you should feel bad.

~~ Everyone is lying to you. It’s not going to be OK. It’s going to be terrible. How naive are you? What are you, a Disney princess? Even worse, you’re a Disney animal. You’ve got big eyes and you talk even though you shouldn’t because you’re only a raccoon or some shit. Even worse, you’re a flower. You’re a talking flower. What the fuck.

~~ Oh you think that life is skipping down a yellow brick road, looking at puffy white clouds, while it rains gold and honey. Well guess what? Gold is heavy and honey is sticky. And if that shocks or upsets you, then I’m sorry.

~~ Have fun working at your day job for the rest of your life. You’ll get auditions, you’ll get called back, you’ll meet the producers, and then you’ll blow it. Because you suck. Everybody knows it. But nobody knows it enough to care, or tell each other. That’s how small you are. There’s not even one website that hates you.

~~ Why don’t you just keep eating? Oh, I see that not only are you eating, but you’re drinking too. Why not? No one thinks you’re attractive anyway.

~~ You’re not even rich enough or famous enough to be this short.

~~ There’s a reason why all the boys hit on your friends and not you: they’re better looking.

~~ You think that life is a journey, not a destination. Well get off the fucking bus, because you’re here.

~~ Just keep eating, really. No one likes thin people. It’s not like thin people get benefits or anything. It’s not like thin people are better than you are. Oh no wait IT’S EXACTLY LIKE THAT. But go ahead and have that 3rd glass of Sofia sparkling wine.

~~ YOU ARE BAD AT EVERYTHING THAT YOU DO. You don’t even breathe correctly; you always breathe through your mouth. What are you, a barnyard animal? Even barnyard animals get benefits; fairs, parades, petting zoos. Have you ever been a prize pig? Fuck no you haven’t. You haven’t been a prize anything. This means that even pigs have a better chance of winning something than you do.

~~ And fuck you, Beck. You are not a loser and you are not allowed to sing a song about how you are one. Just go back to your Scientology castle and hang out with Giovanni Ribisi. No one is buying your bullshit. You are not a loser. Goddamn you and your lies. You sit on a throne of lies.

~~ What don’t you fucking understand?

~~ Oh Oh Oh I get it, you’re going to be really hard on yourself, oh that’s so hilarious, oh how you dazzle me. Great scott! Oh here we go with the Back to the Future references.

~~ I think I might be Marty McFly for Halloween, what do we think about this?

~~ GET OVER YOURSELF. WHAT THE HELL. You’re acting stupid. You ARE stupid. You don’t even know how to tie your shoes the real way! You just make two bunny ears and tie those together. That’s idiotic.

~~ The failboat has no room for you, it cannot contain your failure. Everyone on the Titanic is laughing at you, as the ship is sinking. That is how much you fail. The captain’s like, “LOL” and Leo DiCaprio is like, “OMG” and Billy Zane is all, “SRSLY U GUISE.”

~~ How is “Titanic” over a decade old?? You are OLD.

~~ Welcome to your life. There’s no turning back.

~~ You stole that from Tears for Fears. How sad is that?

~~ That’s not sad, that’s a great line.

~~ From a new wave 80s band.

~~ So?

~~ So you don’t find that lame?

~~ It’s not my fault that Tears for Fears said it best! Fuck you!

~~ What? Fuck YOU.

~~ Fine!

~~ FINE.

Everybody Wants To Rule The World — Tears For Fears
I’m A Loser — The Beatles
The Decline And Fall Of Me — Sparks
Take The Long Way Home — Supertramp
Sad Songs (Say So Much) — Elton John
Torn — Natalie Imbruglia
Even The Losers — Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
Everybody Wants To Rule The World — Patti Smith


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Let It Die.

I made out with this dude 3 years ago and lately he has been trying to ~~get with me~~ again. I’m not saying that I’m a golden horse on a carousel; in other words, I’m not trying to brag. I’m just amazed that this dude is still trying. It was 3 years ago and I was drunk and he grabbed me and kissed me and wouldn’t let go. We’ve been the most awkward of “friends” ever since.

He’s been inviting me to lots of facebook events and I have politely declined. I always like to explain why I cannot come to an event because I hate when people who I expect to come to my events click “no” and don’t say why. In real life you would give me some sort of explanation. Don’t try to hide behind facebook just because you can. It’s rude!

Anyway I’m on facebook merrily surfing my way through other peoples’ lives when he AMBUSHES ME VIA FACEBOOK INSTANT MESSAGING. NOT COOL. I wasn’t even aware that I was signed in! And he was like, how’s it going with acting and I’m like, uuhhh fine and he’s like, I’m a financial adviser now and I’d love to give you a free session (and I’m thinking LOL what are you going to advise me on, I have no finances) but I’m like, sure and somehow i told him we would meet up for drinks sometime and free financial advise?


It’s like today I had a job interview at a store and I got weird vibes from the guy right off and he was being condescending to me and asking me odd questions and not only did I sit through the interview but at the end I told HIM to have a nice day!! What the fuck??!! HE’S SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT SHIT TO ME.

Whether it’s a job interview or a first date you need to stand up for yourself. You don’t need to be flat out rude or flash them your hoohah like Sharon Stone did in Basic Instinct, because Sydney, let’s be honest, YOUR MOM WAS NO SHARON STONE, but you really don’t want to be too polite or it’s like saying, HEY BRO, WALK ALL OVER ME PLEASE, THANKS!!! SMILEY FACE!!

I feel like I am the only person who does this. I feel like stronger, cooler girls would tighten their lips and say, “Thanks but no thanks” and move on with their lives. I feel like Faye Dunaway and Brigitte Bardot would never put up with this bullshit. So why do I?

But still, dude who I made out with 3 years ago: let it die, bro. Let it die.


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the cool kids.

The cool kids are different from you and me.

They’re cool.

The cool kids always look effortless. The cool kids know that effort is something to have but not to show. Like money.

The cool kids are everywhere. You’re always running into them, and sometimes they don’t remember you, but you don’t want to tell them you’ve already met so you pretend it’s the first time.

The cool kids are not hipsters, because not all hipsters are cool.

The cool kids are almost always thin and if this shocks or upsets you then I’m sorry.

The cool kids know people.

The cool kids know at least one Coppola, or Coppola-related person.

The cool kids make irony ironic.

The cool kids always know how to dress and always look cool, even if they’re just wearing jeans and a t-shirt. You’ll try to replicate the look but you won’t look as cool. You’ll wonder about this phenomenon, you’ll cover your walls in clippings and chalk boards with scattered phrases like, “Acne + APC = ??? American A x thrift??” and you’ll feel like Russell Crowe in “A Beautiful Mind” but your mind won’t feel beautiful at all, and that title is a lie, there is nothing beautiful about Russell Crowe, and if this shocks you then I’m sorry.

The cool kids only make last-minute plans. Cool kids don’t need to plan anything because they won’t wait for life to happen, they make life happen.

The cool kids always have the strangest jobs, or jobs that sound like 110% fun.

The cool kids are always photographed and they always look good, even if their hair is covering their face or there’s a stain on their shirt.

The cool kids never quote movies, because the cool kids are always in one big movie.

The cool kids defy description other than, “You know that guy Erik?” “Sort of, what’s he like?” “He’s just really cool“.

The cool kids are always busy.

The cool kids love burritos. I can’t really explain why, but they do, and if this shocks you, then I’m sorry.

I Don’t Wanna Be Too Cool — Kate Fagan


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Naked People On The Internet

Sweet sassy molassy!

I started a “Make-Up” set on flickr in which I take photos of myself in different make-up (like the one above) because, much like a drag queen, I love to see how I can transform my face into different looks, as I squeal with delight.

As I said the photos consist of images like the one above: me smiling to the camera (or staring off into space) from the torso up. A few days a person favorited two of these photos in my make-up set. I thought, “Oh that’s neat” and I clicked on their flickr for more info.

ALL PHOTOS ON HIS FLICKR ARE OF HIM COMPLETELY NAKED. It’s a dude whose albums consist of himself posing nude in various locations. “Here I am naked in the woods”, “Here I am naked in the shower”, and one photo boldly (and truthfully) titled “Erection.”

Here is my innocent flickr set:

I wouldn’t recommend seeing my admirer for yourself but if you believe that such things need to be seen then Godspeed.


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