Category Archives: Kiss On My List

Ten Dating Mistakes People Make

las vegas

Dating kind of sucks sometimes, especially when you do that thing when you think, “Wow, I’ve just ruined everything.” Here are 10 Dating Mistakes People Make. Most of these I have done. No one is alone here.

10. Forcing conversation.

mad men don draper i love puppies gif

It’s so easy to do this one. I think all of us want to avoid awkward silences, but we all know that trying to make something less awkward only makes it more awkward. So many times I tell myself, “Don’t be awkward. You’re fine. Just be breezy.” But that usually makes it worse.

9. Analyzing every text.

man who fell to earth bowie gif

Some people don’t have their phone glued to them like you do. Some people don’t text as often as you do. Some people don’t like to text as much as you do. Thus, some people do not put in a lot of thought into their texts, other than to get pertinent information across. Do not break down 300 characters into a 5 paragraph essay.

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I don’t want kids and I have my reasons.

young woman surrounded by kittens

I’m at that point in my 20’s where, even though I think it’s too soon to think about, I’m having to answer hypothetical questions like, “So, do you want to have kids?” or even worse, “When do you plan on having kids?”

I plan on having kids right around the time I plan on having tea with Michael Caine in a gumdrop palace on the moon. So, never. Never is when all of these things are planned.

But “I’m not having kids” is not a good response. Because when I say that, people take it as a challenge. Like I personally offended them or am asking them to convince me. “You’ll change your mind” or “You will” or, my favorite, “That’s what you think now, but you’re still so young.” Then why did you even ask me?

I don’t want kids and I have my reasons. Here they are. Note: none of them are, “Because I’m too selfish” because that isn’t a reason; it is in no way selfish to not want children.

10. Because this is how I would deal when my children misbehaved.

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind gif

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Shit that I am so into right now (part 2).

1. Big Macs.

Chinese Big Mac
Look at this. Look at this damn thing. I want to paint my face with this. I want to use it as a moisturizer. I want to stuff my bra with it. A Big Mac is 550 calories. That’s without fries or a drink. If you’re taking in 1500 calories per day, that’s like…a percentage of it that is large but I don’t know how to do simple math because fuck that. If I could eat this every single day without any repercussion  I would. I don’t understand people who don’t like McDonald’s. I understand why they dislike it for its unhealthy factor but who really hates the taste of it, I mean come on.

2. Lions.

Lion on a tree
Look at this fucking lion. This lion is thinking, “Fuck you, I’m a lion, I’m in a tree.” I’m a lion here. And it’s sexy.

3. Gangnam Style.

Yelp's Nerdy Dancing II: Revenge Of The Robot
I really, really wish that I was not into this but I am. I blame “Dancing with the Stars” and the spoof “Mitt Romney Style.” Look, whatever, what’s your guilty pleasure song? You know? Hey let’s just hug and high five forever.

4. Feeling Giddy.

audrey hepburn roman holiday

It’s like, when the breeze hits you in the face but not too powerfully you feel like maybe your entire life is full of promise and a feeling that maybe, just maybe, you are not going to die a sad failure.

5. The X-Files.

My friend Liza turned me into the lady X-File for my birthday.

I’m going to just copy/paste my feelings on the show from a Facebook status I posted:

WARNING: NERD ALERT! I started watching “The X-Files” from season 1. I’ve never seen the show from the beginning; I was more of a casual viewer. Here are some things I’m realizing about the show:

1. Gillian Anderson was only 24 when she started on the show, but her haircut makes her look 6+ years older.

2. The show is so fucking Canadian. I knew it was shot in Vancouver for a while but it just looks so…Canadian, I can’t explain it. Just very low budget and…Canadian.

3. Mulder is right about everything. The show should be called “Weird Shit That Mulder Is Always Right About.” Why even doubt him 3 episodes in? He’s always right in this world. And everyone acts like he’s insane, but if he’s so insane then…

4. Why even have an X Files bureau? At the end of each episode no one believes Mulder anyway and if they do, they sweep it under the rug, so why even have the department?

5. They always take on cases that aren’t theirs. Either they take on a local police department case, or Mulder reads something in a magazine and demands that he and Scully investigate. And Scully is the one who has to do the work. So when she’s writing these reports, for cases they weren’t assigned to, and turning them in, why aren’t her superiors saying, “Nice work, Dana. You’re fired.” ?

6. This one makes me so anxious: they don’t get enough sleep. They’re always interrupted in the middle of the night with weird phone calls, or they’re driving through America all night. But they never seem fatigued so I guess it’s okay for them. Really rustles my jimmies though.

Anyway, I’m finally ready to join 1994. Good to be here.

Check out Shit that I am so into (part 1).

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Which guy are you?

young beatles

I’ve dated a lot of gentlemen and scoundrels, and I’ve come up with a list of strangely specific types of guys that surprisingly apply to everyone. Or almost everyone. Here are some of the guys I’ve dated. Ladies, can you relate? And sirs, read this and ask yourself: which guy am I? And yes, some guys can be a combination of these.

 

The Classic Schmosby

Named after the character of Ted Mosby on “How I Met Your Mother” this is the guy who says, “I love you” on the first or second date. Most of the time, this is a stupid thing to do, because you’re draping a blanket weaved of awkward and creepy over your date. There are exceptions, yes. But do not think you are one of them.

 

The Sad Seinfeld

This is the guy who is a standup comedian/improv performer/comedy writer/all of those who thinks that this date is about making you laugh. At first, his observations seem witty and well placed, but a few hours later you realize you want to punch him right in the dick.

 

The Romney

This guy lies/exaggerates about everything, is unsure why you’re not honored by his presence, and despite having way more money than you will ever see, will go out of his way to make sure you split the bill or pay for all of it.

 

The Bro

This type of guy thinks he is still college, or maybe actually is (but a big university, not a liberal arts college). He made no plans for your evening aside from playing video games with his roommate. If you don’t want to do that, he’s totally up for making out in his car. But he has to move the car after an hour or he’ll get towed, because he didn’t want to pay for a parking space. Also his car smells like Doritos. But there are no Doritos in the car.

 

The L.A. Douche

Thinks he’s famous. Thinks he’s attractive. Thinks you need to know. Thinks you are going to have sex with him. Think he’ll be surprised.

 

The Guy Who Gives You Oral Sex Through Your Jeans

True story. What the fuck are you doing, guy? Is this really how you think it works? Or do you think you’re so good at it that denim stands no chance against your Jedi skills? I was so puzzled, I didn’t know what to do. It’s like suddenly, someone asked me to do calculus. Just, no idea. Not even sure where to begin.

 

Okay, your turn. Maybe I’ll make a part two.

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Shit that I am so into right now (part 1).

Here are some things that I’m ~~really into~~ lately. I found all of these photos on Pinterest and Instagram.

10. Me.

almie rose child actress

I am just soooo into me right now. Look at what an amazing child I was. Not much has changed. I’ve had bags under my eyes since I was six and I have the same stupid bangs and my lips have gotten bigger but that’s it, I am still incredibly, wonderfully, unscathed by time and by the harshness of people just, like, not getting me.

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How To Kill A Pop Star In Ten Steps.

1. Let them dictate what’s best for them. You might be a doctor, but they might really love drugs.

2. Don’t say no to anything.

3. Just keep giving him drugs.

don't give a fuck meme

4. Spend most of your focus and time away from your patient; instead text and call your girlfriends.

5. If one day you should find your patient dying, yell for the kids to help.

6. Do not call 911.

7. Ask if anyone knows CPR. Do not call 911.

8. Text more girlfriends. Do not call 911.

don't give a fuck meme

9. Finally call 911.

10. Lie to the ER doctors who ask you if the pop star took any drugs.

Success!

don't give a fuck meme

Have you been watching the trial? What are your thoughts on this whole case?

 

 

 

 

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Words & Phrases That I Overuse.

“What time is it?” / “What day is it?” / “Am I hungry?” / “I’ll have an iced tall skinny vanilla latte, please.” / “Wait what’s going on?” / “I don’t even know what’s happening right now.” / “Do I like you?” / “Do I have to take the freeway?” / “Where is that?” / “What is that?” / “Who is that?” / “I think we’ve met.” / “Oh my God, I’m so sorry.” / “And I was like, ‘what?'” / (In the company of one other person) “You guys.” / “Where am I?” / “Is 3 o clock too early to start drinking?” / “Why does that guy/girl have a pilot and I don’t?” / “I should write for The Simpsons.” / “I’m not sleeping with you tonight.” / “Why does everything bad happen to me?” / “Where are my sunglasses?” / “I’m running a little late.” / “I’ll be there in, like, twenty minutes.” / “I’m bored, you wanna make out in my car?” / “I can’t sleep.” / “Okay.” / “Is that guy hot? I can’t tell, I don’t have my glasses on.” / “Have I been here?” / “I broke the cork in the bottle again.” / “I’m sorry.” / “I’m sorry that I’m sorry.” / “I’m exhausted, I’m just going to stay in and watch American Idol.” / “Is it safe to mix these two pills?”

 

Tomorrow is my Blogiversary. 2 years. Expect a fun little post tomorrow in celebration of this intangible internet thing. Treats for all.

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