Category Archives: fun times

My New Book “I Forgot To Be Famous” Is Out!

almie rose book cover i forgot to be famous

SUPER EXCITING NEWS! I wrote a book! An e-book! It’s called I Forgot To Be Famous. It’s available for sale now on Amazon! It’s also available as an iBook on the Mac Apple digital book store Internet shop whatever it’s called. Here are some frequently asked questions about that book that may help you!

WHAT IS THE BOOK CALLED?
I Forgot To Be Famous.

WHERE CAN I GET IT?
Amazon and iTunes.

WHAT IF I DON’T HAVE KINDLE?
No problem, I don’t either! You can download a Kindle reader for free and read it on your computer (Mac or Windows). Amazon has a wide variety of free Kindle apps. With these you’ll be able to also read it on your iPhone, iPod Touch, Android, Windows Phone, and Blackberry. You will also be able to read it on your iPad, Android Tablet, and Windows 8.

IS IT AVAILABLE IN MY COUNTRY?
It is available in (almost) every country that Amazon/other retailers have access to. So this means the book is available for download in:

— Austria
Canada
France
Germany
Italy
Spain
The United Kingdom
The United States

IS THIS BOOK ABOUT ME? AM I MENTIONED?
If you have to ask, then no, it probably isn’t about you. If you are mentioned, it’s by first name only…unless I felt the need to protect your name, in which case, I gave you a fake name.

OH, CRAP.
Naw, you don’t need to be worried. It’s nothing insulting.

WHAT IS THE BOOK ABOUT?
Copy/pasted from Amazon: What do you do when your ex leaves you for his A-list actress ex girlfriend? How do you land a musician boyfriend? What’s it like to make a total jackass of yourself when you meet that actor you’ve had a crush on for years? What would When Harry Met Sally… look like in 2013? Am I hungry? These questions and more are answered and explored by Almie Rose in I FORGOT TO BE FAMOUS, essays and how-to’s about dating, relationships, living in Los Angeles, and how they all crash into each other, like the car chase scene in the mall in the Blues Brothers movie, which she hasn’t seen, but is not at all opposed to.

WHO IS THE A-LIST ACTRESS?
I can’t tell you that.

WHY NOT?
I don’t want to. And I don’t want to get sued.

OKAY WELL THEN WHO IS THE ACTOR YOU MET YOU HAD A BIG CRUSH ON?
I can’t tell you that either. I think I left enough clues though where you would be able to guess.

HOW MUCH IS THE BOOK?
It’s $2.99 in the USA and around that price everywhere else. 

SO I CAN PRE-ORDER IT NOW BUT WHAT DAY DOES IT COME OUT?
Monday, July 1.

HOW LONG IS THE BOOK?
It’s slightly over 50 pages. It’s really short. I’ve vomited longer than it takes to read the book.

…WHAT?
Sangria. Never again.

WHAT IF I LIKE IT OR DON’T LIKE IT AND WANT TO LET YOU KNOW?
You can email me here, follow me on Twitter, or add me on Facebook.

WHAT IF I DON’T HAVE KINDLE?
You already asked that, but it’s okay. You can download a free Kindle reader to read the book on your computer, phone, or tablet. The book is also available on iTunes.

WHERE CAN I READ MORE OF YOUR WRITING?
Here on this blog. Also Hello Giggles, The Frisky, Thought Catalog, and many other places that you can find on my website, Almierose.com. And I post videos at YouTube.com/TheApocalypstick.

I’M YOUR PARENT/RELATIVE/FRIEND OF YOUR PARENT. SHOULD I READ THIS BOOK?
I would really, really prefer if you didn’t.

WHAT IF YOU DIDN’T ANSWER MY QUESTION HERE?
Comment on this post!

WHY AM I SHOUTING?
I DON’T KNOW! BUT YOU ARE! YOU’RE SHOUTING, YOU’RE SHOUTING, YOU’RE SHOUT— (gets hit on the hand with a candlestick.)

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Malibu Wedding.

sunset beach malibu

Once I accidentally went to a Malibu wedding. Sort of. My friends and I decided to spend a day at the beach. Living in Los Angeles, one gets spoiled and treats the beach as though it was another Starbucks; a sort of, “Oh, yeah, it’s everywhere, it will always be there.” At least my friends and I do, not being surfer types and not having beach houses of our own. So one day we thought, right, this exists, let’s hang out there. We sat on a Harry Potter blanket and discreetly drank wine coolers while we watched a fat man play volleyball with another fat man. They seemed to be having a good time.

After that, we all got stuck on the idea that we simply had to go to Moonshadows. Moonshadows is the restaurant where Mel Gibson famously got arrested and let a beautifully horrendous tirade spew forth. The infamous “The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world” and “What are you looking at, Sugar Tits” the greatest hits of Gibson all happened just down the beach from us. We thought perhaps we’d get a drink from their lounge but as the responsible and decent adults that we are, because we are not Mel Gibson, and if you are around Mel Gibson and he is around alcohol, you should just save everybody time and call the police. By the time you hang up the phone he’s going to be cursing Jews and stomping on houseplants like he’s King Kong all the while panting and screaming.

We made it into Moonshadows, feeling very grown-up, which is different from feeling very adult. We didn’t feel, “Ugh I wonder how much valet is going to cost and how much these drinks are going to cost” or anything of that nature. We felt, “Man, we look so cool. Are we allowed to even be in here? This is like being in a Bret Easton Ellis novel.”

And then it really got into Bret Easton Ellis territory. We’re sitting at a small booth and to the left of me is a very cool old woman. Cool in a different cool than we were. She was an established, kooky, “Fuck it, I’m old” cool. I noticed the owl pendant hanging around her neck. I told her much I liked it. She seemed thrilled by this. I really adored her. I thought she looked familiar but maybe I just wished I knew her.

Then it started. That beautiful pop new wave sound, with bittersweet undertones, all in earnest, of “The Promise” by When In Rome. And a bride and groom were dancing. It all happened very suddenly. The song, perhaps a dimming of lights, the swelling of joy — this was their moment, they must have planned it. And they’re dancing in the middle of this lounge, mouthing the words to each other, blissed out of their minds. I stared at them, respectful, slightly confused, but quietly enthusiastic. They saw me and smiled. The groom looked into my eyes, and said, with more joy in one sentence than I’ve heard in hundreds, “I’m marrying my best friend.”

My cynicism halted. I smiled back. I promise you, I promise you I will was all I heard and all I saw. Later my cynism about marriage would return, replaced with a bitterness once I watched helplessly as divorce took another marriage away, all the while with me stubbornly refusing to ever get married, ever.

I do want to get married. I don’t know if I want to marry my best friend. I’m still unsure about that idea. That the person you marry should also be your best friend. But that’s not important right now.

Ever since that night, I’ve fallen in love with that song. I hear it and even though I’ve forgotten what the couple looks like, I see them dancing, laughing, holding onto each other, have an occasional goofy moment, lip-synching, smiling endlessly.

I was so full of joy that I asked the kooky old woman next to me if we could take a photo with her. She seemed shocked and said, “Really?!” I said definitely. “Let’s go outside,” she said. She had a friend with her. “Do you know who that is?” she asked me. I paused. Yes, I knew now. “Phyllis Diller?”

almie-phyllis-diller

And yes. She was.

“You made her night,” her friend told us. “She made  ours,” I said.

We took more photos, got into the car, and drove with the windows down back to where we once belonged. I looked at the ocean and in my head, over and over, If you need a friend don’t look to a stranger. You know in the end. I’ll always be there…I promise you. I promise you I will.

And that’s how I accidentally went to a Malibu wedding. Sort of.

 

The Promise by When in Rome on Grooveshark

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Shit that I am so into right now (part 2).

1. Big Macs.

Chinese Big Mac
Look at this. Look at this damn thing. I want to paint my face with this. I want to use it as a moisturizer. I want to stuff my bra with it. A Big Mac is 550 calories. That’s without fries or a drink. If you’re taking in 1500 calories per day, that’s like…a percentage of it that is large but I don’t know how to do simple math because fuck that. If I could eat this every single day without any repercussion  I would. I don’t understand people who don’t like McDonald’s. I understand why they dislike it for its unhealthy factor but who really hates the taste of it, I mean come on.

2. Lions.

Lion on a tree
Look at this fucking lion. This lion is thinking, “Fuck you, I’m a lion, I’m in a tree.” I’m a lion here. And it’s sexy.

3. Gangnam Style.

Yelp's Nerdy Dancing II: Revenge Of The Robot
I really, really wish that I was not into this but I am. I blame “Dancing with the Stars” and the spoof “Mitt Romney Style.” Look, whatever, what’s your guilty pleasure song? You know? Hey let’s just hug and high five forever.

4. Feeling Giddy.

audrey hepburn roman holiday

It’s like, when the breeze hits you in the face but not too powerfully you feel like maybe your entire life is full of promise and a feeling that maybe, just maybe, you are not going to die a sad failure.

5. The X-Files.

My friend Liza turned me into the lady X-File for my birthday.

I’m going to just copy/paste my feelings on the show from a Facebook status I posted:

WARNING: NERD ALERT! I started watching “The X-Files” from season 1. I’ve never seen the show from the beginning; I was more of a casual viewer. Here are some things I’m realizing about the show:

1. Gillian Anderson was only 24 when she started on the show, but her haircut makes her look 6+ years older.

2. The show is so fucking Canadian. I knew it was shot in Vancouver for a while but it just looks so…Canadian, I can’t explain it. Just very low budget and…Canadian.

3. Mulder is right about everything. The show should be called “Weird Shit That Mulder Is Always Right About.” Why even doubt him 3 episodes in? He’s always right in this world. And everyone acts like he’s insane, but if he’s so insane then…

4. Why even have an X Files bureau? At the end of each episode no one believes Mulder anyway and if they do, they sweep it under the rug, so why even have the department?

5. They always take on cases that aren’t theirs. Either they take on a local police department case, or Mulder reads something in a magazine and demands that he and Scully investigate. And Scully is the one who has to do the work. So when she’s writing these reports, for cases they weren’t assigned to, and turning them in, why aren’t her superiors saying, “Nice work, Dana. You’re fired.” ?

6. This one makes me so anxious: they don’t get enough sleep. They’re always interrupted in the middle of the night with weird phone calls, or they’re driving through America all night. But they never seem fatigued so I guess it’s okay for them. Really rustles my jimmies though.

Anyway, I’m finally ready to join 1994. Good to be here.

Check out Shit that I am so into (part 1).

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Vegas life lessons.

las vegas sign

I didn't even realize there was a bride and groom behind me. Who photo bombed who?

I love Las Vegas. If I could go there every other week I would. This was my second year at the Bloggers In Sin City conference. The first one changed my life in that it was something I would never do: get on a plane to meet a bunch of strangers and share a room with one of them and hang out with them for three days. This time I knew more of what to expect. I even had the same roommate (Kelly! Here’s her blog).

And this time, I learned a lot more. About myself. About people. About life. Here are my lessons. I hope we can all learn something.

There is so such thing as a 24 hour buffet. This is true not in only the literal sense; that as much as Vegas loves its buffets, it doesn’t have one that is open all the time. And thanks to the concierge for scoffing at us for asking. Sir you work in Vegas, and this is the question that throws you? But the life buffet is also not open 24 hours. When you have a delicious buffet, you need to savor every moment and get seconds, if not thirds. There is so much to try. Don’t focus on only one item. And when it inevitably ends, have something to look forward to. Except when you die, then it’s kind of over. Unless you believe in the afterlife in which case, have fun talking to John Edward on his loser show.  Continue reading

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Brokechella.

 

almie rose brokechella apocalypstick

Thanks to photographer Raymond Liu!

Coachella is not my idea of fun; it’s more my idea of let’s make Uncle Almie cry. There’s lots of people, dirty hot sweaty people, and you have to throw money everywhere. If you can rock it out there, by all means, have fun in the assy desert. But if you’re high maintenance and totally fucking annoying like I am, Brokechella is the chella for you. Not to say that Brokechella was annoying; it was crazy fun and chill at the same time. It was a bunch of people in a warehouse getting free stuff and getting photographed and dancing to random LA bands that should be crazy famous but aren’t and eating and drinking. Big thanks to Cartel: Collaborative Arts L.A. for putting together such a creative and spirited event.

Continue reading

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Readers talk back.

A long ass time ago I said I would interview the 1,000th person to “like” me on on Facebook and I did and then I forgot to post it because I’m an asshole. Congrats to Hillary for being my 1,000th like and to Matthew for being my superfan. I interviewed them both. They’re hilarious. Thank God. I mean, of course they are!!! Why wouldn’t they be??

1. Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?

M: Well, obviously. I also often feel like one that is drifting through the wind. Wanting to start again.

H: Totally. Actually, not totally. Partially. Actually, I feel kind of like a paper bag sometimes. Like, a paper bag can’t really drift through the wind, but it can definitely roll around on the ground while it tries to make it’s way to some new life experience. Also, “Paper Bag” is my fave Fiona Apple song. Yes, Fiona Apple is still relevant to me. 

 

2. How did you find my blog?

M: Well you see, I know this poet person (she tweets like a tweet god @fartmaster5000, that’s not her real name. lol) and she posted a video of yours on her Tumblr, “How To Get Over A Break Up”, which is still my favorite video of yours. For a while, I only watched your videos and LOVED them. Then, I eventually found and read your blog religiously and told ALL my friends about you and your loveliness. 

H: If I’m remembering correctly, I found your blog through Filleosophy. I believe it was when you gals did that advice formspring thingy. Then I proceeded to read every single one of your entries. You think I’m joking? Is Mick Jagger your real dad? Yes. 

 

3. What do you order at Starbucks?

M: Tall Carmel Macchiato, because life is sweet!

H: Starbucks is so intimidating! It’s like going to a foreign country where you don’t speak the language and the locals aren’t very friendly. I’ve only been once, and that was for a meeting with my boss. I didn’t order anything. Instead, I sat there clinging to my purse for dear life and making note of all the exits. What in the hell is a venti? Sounds like a type of car to me. 

 

4. What is your dream job? (It doesn’t have to exist!)

M: At times, being homeless in New York seems like it would be my dream “job”. I actually plan on attending film school, so I guess my dream job would be a film directing job. Or, you know, being a bum on the street. I’ll take what I can get.

H: This is really tough because I think I’d be content with doing nothing my entire life. Literally. I could sit and do nothing forever. BUT that is no way to live, so I think my dream job would have to be a professional people watcher. Is that creepy? I don’t mean it to be. I just want to go all over the world and observe. I don’t need interaction, just observation. Is that creepy? I think it probably is. Whatever, this is my dream and you’re all living in it. 

 

5. Someone is visiting your city/town. Tell them where to go and what to wear and what NOT to do.

M:  Hahaha! Well, I live in this little town called Paulding, Ohio. I think the population is around 8,000. So, as you might expect, fashion and culture isn’t exactly busting from every corner. I guess I would tell them to go to the nearest exit, wear whatever you please, and to NEVER come back again??

H: Welcome to Raleigh, North Carolina! We have something for everyone in this fair city! Would you like to go to a place where all the dudes are named ‘Trip’ and wear Callaway visors? Natty Greene’s, it is. How bout a bar full of flannel-clad men with beards and Buddy Holly glasses? Raleigh Times, it is. Better yet, want to go somewhere where you can drink three Long Island Iced Teas and ask the D.J.(multiple times) to play “Diva” by Beyonce and can he turn the fog machine on pleazzzz? Downtown Sports Bar, baby. (Yeah, I did that once. I love Beyonce. And fog). What to wear? Stick to skinny jeans, a tank top, and heels (or black flats, if you’re me). If it’s cold, throw on a blazer. I’ve also seen lots of girls wearing fur vests lately. I used to want one until I saw that lots of girls are wearing them lately. What NOT to do? There’s nothing you can’t do! Just like NYC. I will say this, though: don’t be from any other state besides North Carolina. I’m pretty sure smuggling cocaine into the country is easier than getting into a bar with a Virginia license. You think this i.d. with the pretty dogwood flower background is a fake, man? OKAY. WHATEVER. This thing has RAISED PRINT, dude. 

 

Follow Hillary here and read her blog here. Follow Matthew here.

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