Tag Archives: television

In Which “How I Met Your Mother” Nails Friendship

Mar

2014

friendship

How I Met Your Mother is so good at being “real life” sometimes. They’re wrapping up the series and in this particular episode, they show what happens to all of the minor and secondary characters, while The Kinks sing “Where Are They Now?” over an uninterrupted 3 minute shot of each character in their little setting with narration over it. Very Wes Anderson. And then the narrator finishes with this:

You will be shocked, kids, when you discover how easy it is in life to part ways with people forever.

And I went, “Oof.” Not out loud, but who knows, maybe it was out loud. I’m getting to that age where I’m less aware of what I say out loud. Which makes it sound like I’m getting to the age of 84. I am not.

But I am getting older, and I’m discovering some things about getting older that really suck. Things beyond having to use extra cash to buy boring shit like toothpaste. Things beyond worrying about paying bills, like some stupid country song you’d hear on the radio for 4 seconds because you changed the station too fast because it’s such a cliché. No, I mean things like that above quote from How I Met Your Mother.

It really is shockingly easy to part ways with people forever.

And I’m not sure how to feel about that.

Part of getting older is realizing that every relationship — even, if not especially, those you have with your friends — take work. You take your friendships for granted. You think they’ll always be there. Then somebody moves. Or goes to grad school. Or gets married. Or changes careers. And suddenly, no one has time for anyone anymore. And you become one of those thousands of people who say things like, “I’m sorry, I’m just swamped.” (Hint: do not EVER tell anyone you are “booked”. You are not a dentist’s office. You are a person. People cannot be booked. Got it? Good.)

You have no time for seeing your friends anymore, and they don’t have time to see you. You’ll go back and forth with calls and texts and emails and then one day you’ll finally catch up and it will be wonderful and you’ll say you have to do it again…and then you don’t. Ever. And then they move to New York or get married and maybe you’ll be invited and maybe you won’t, and that will be the end of it.

That’s just how it gets when you get older. And no one told me that. No one told me that when you get older, you have to work harder on your friendships. I don’t even know if I have a best friend anymore. I think those went the way of Lisa Frank stickers and Happy Meals — they faded into my youth. I’m just a boring adult who is struggling with work and money and being an adult.

So if I tell you I want to hang out with you, please, hold me to it. I’ll do my best, and I have anxiety about driving, but I’ll try real hard. Because the problem with forever is that it’s pretty damn permanent.

I miss you, Simone.

Photo by Nina Leen, 1950, via LIFE Photo Archives for Google.

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Interview With Hey Arnold’s Craig Bartlett

Jan

2014

Craig Bartlett

My inner child was freaking the eff out when I met Craig Bartlett at the Jim Henson lot. Craig Bartlett is responsible for one of the best Nickelodeon shows of all time, Hey Arnold!. Later, I asked him some questions about Paul McCartney, Hey Arnold!, and the golden age of Nickelodeon.

Craig, thank you for joining me on my weird corner of the internet. Can you please tell my readers your Paul McCartney story?

A lot of old rockers still record at Henson studios because this used to be A&M records, after it was Charlie Chaplin’s movie studio. They think this place has great mojo, and they’re right. Fantastic, classic records were recorded here. Last spring when we were writing on Dinosaur Train, Joe Purdy said “Guess who’s on the lot today? Paul McCartney.”

I thought I’d never actually see him – they’d whisk him from his car to the studio, so I kind of forgot about it (as much as one can forget that a Beatle is within 100 yards). I worked till about 7:30, and it was dusk when I walked out. I was heading to the Kermit bathroom outside the recording studio and I noticed a blue Stingray convertible parked in the middle of the courtyard. I thought, “That’s got to be for Paul.” So I peed as fast as I could (yes, I washed my hands) and went back to sit at the bench right in front of the Stingray.

I assume this is how Craig looked while waiting for Sir Paul McCartney.

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The Mad Men Interviews: Elisha Yaffe

Dec

2013

Welcome to the final installment of The Mad Men Interviews, in which I interview friends who appeared on my favorite show, Mad Men. Part one was an interview with Molly Hawkey, who played a scientist who told Don Draper, “You can’t smoke in here.” Part two was with Eric Scott Cooper, who played a TV commercial director in the first episode to introduce the Jimmy Barrett storyline. Now I’m speaking with Elisha Yaffe, who guested on one of Mad Men‘s hippiest episode ever (“Christmas Waltz”, season 5, episode 9).

Rich Sommer (Harry), looking at Elisha Yaffe in total disbelief.

For those who don’t know how the biz works, can you tell us how you wound up being on Mad Men?
I auditioned. Which really means driving for about 45 minutes in traffic, worrying how I’m going to fuck the lines I’ve memorized, calming myself down by saying, “Hey, it’s just a first audition and not a callback. So just go in there and have fun” and then being shocked to see [showrunner/executive producer/writer] Matthew Weiner in the room for my first read.

Were you a fan of the show before you were on it? How about after?
Yes. After? No. I couldn’t respect a show that would decide to cast me.

Classic Groucho Marx. How many times did you have to audition?
Once. I auditioned for a few different parts. Read through each a few times. Matthew gave me a few notes. Very helpful, direct, supportive notes. Mostly pointing out what he liked about what I was doing, which immediately gave me confidence and helped me relax.

Who was your scene with?
Michael Gladis (Paul Kinsey) and Rich Sommer (Harry Crane).

Anything memorable happen you can share?
It was Paul Kinsey’s (Michael Gladis) return after being away for a bit. His character was revealed to have become a Hare Krishna in the episode and the producers really didn’t want anyone to find out. So we all had to hide under parkas and umbrellas when being transported to set. Which made sense for Michael but honestly, I’m pretty sure if I walked down the street undisguised no one would have minded.

Paul Kinsey’s new look.

You were in one of Mad Men‘s first “hippie scenes.” Did you realize you were in an episode of the show that was changing the tone for the rest of the series?
No, though that was cool after the fact. The only thing I was aware of on set, is that the role I was playing essentially could’ve been based on my real-life hippie father. After the fact, it felt like a dream I would’ve had after talking to my dad about his love for the Grateful Dead and then falling asleep to an episode of Mad Men. If a younger version of my dad had been transported into the Mad Men universe, he would have been my character. So that was quite surreal.

(You can first see Elisha at 26 seconds in, giving a “Hare Krishna” to Michael Gladis’s character, Paul. Note: I didn’t record this video.)

What was the reaction from family and friends when you told them you were going to be on the show?
I wasn’t allowed to tell them until it was about to air. After it did, my dad only had a few notes. His main one was that he felt they should have made a joke about how the hippies mostly came to see Indian gurus not to find their inner self, but for the free indian food that would always be readily available post-meditation session.

Do you have a favorite “Mad Men” character and/or episode?
Yes. Pete. He’s such a twerp. I love-hate him.

Why do you act professionally? Do you ever see yourself stopping?
Ha. I ask myself that every day. I think the same part of me that doubts myself and questions almost every nuance of life at all hours of day is the same part of me that can center itself through the exercise of acting. When I get to take on a character, I’m allowed to put myself in another person’s shoes and satisfy my true hippie nature that somehow thinks I have a chance in hell of understanding every single human being in this universe. In short, in my best stoner voice, [does best stoner voice] “We’re all just people, man”.

Could I ever see myself stopping as an actor? Yes. But only if people asked me politely.

What are you working on now? Where can we see you next?
Right now, I have a short film called TIME TRAVEL LOVER I acted and wrote in. Directed by the incredible music video director Bo Mirosseni, Partizan Films graciously financed and produced it. They were fantastic and supportive throughout the entire process. It was the first indie thing I had financed. We just started submitting it to festivals. Another short I acted in and helped produce called DALAI LAMA, is also waiting to hear back from a couple of festivals. Some TV and film parts coming up too. I do stand up sometimes. But I like the stuff I make with my friends best. Did I mention I was a hippie in real life? 10 times already? Come on, you have to be exaggerating. And even if you are, I’m not judging. Peace and love.

In all seriousness, I’m pretty sure Mr. Weiner assumed I was a non-actor who wandered into the room stoned.

Oh, I’m sure, too. Thanks, Elisha!

Circled: Elisha, really getting into it, despite the lack of free Indian food.

Were YOU on Mad Men? Want to talk about your experience for The Mad Men Interviews? Email me!

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The Mad Men Interviews: Eric Scott Cooper

Dec

2013

Welcome to The Mad Men Interviews in which I interview friends who were on my favorite show, Mad Men. My first interview was with Molly Hawkey, who played the first person to ever tell Don Draper he couldn’t smoke somewhere. This time I’m talking with Eric Scott Cooper, who played the TV commercial director who had to deal with rude comedian Jimmy Barrett in “The Benefactor” in Season 2.

Eric, far right, ready to direct.

For those who don’t know how the biz works, can you tell us how you wound up being on Mad Men?
I actually auditioned for a the Camera AC role – the guy with the clapper. I remember asking my agent why they called me in for a role that age-wise said “late 20s” when I was 37. My reaction was absurd I realize now – when they call you in, NEVER question why. Just getting an audition is like booking a part. There are thousands of actors submitted by agents for every single role.

I got to the studio – went in, and read for the role. As I was leaving, my agent called me to tell me they wanted me to come back for a producer session later that afternoon. I bummed around downtown for a few hours and went back to LA Center Studios. I’d never had an audition/callback with that many people in the room. It’s kind of a blur but I know Matthew Weiner, the show creator and writer of the episode, Lesli Linka Glatter , the director, several other producers, and the Casting Directors Laura and Carrie were all in the tiny, crowded room. I read the single line and they started whispering. Then one of the CDs said “Matt would like you to read for the Commercial Director role.” I remember freaking a little because I’d never had that happen before — and it was a producer session.

I took the copy, looked at it for 30 seconds and said “okay.” They asked if I needed to leave the room and rehearse. It was more lines but less words overall than the first role I read. So I said something insane like “No, thanks. That’s okay.” I just went right into the new role and read for them. They laughed hysterically at the read and I left. Ten minutes later I was at my car, pulling out of the lot, and my agent called to say I booked it. It was the first TV gig I ever booked since I’d started auditioning 9 months earlier! I was bouncing off the walls excited. Unfortunately, the shoot day was the next day — the day I was scheduled to fly to Boston for an event. It cost almost the same amount to change the ticket as what I got paid after taxes and commission fee for the shoot! But it was worth every penny. Also, I lucked out that I got the Director role instead. They kept the Camera AC guy’s lines, but in voiceover only – you never saw him in the scene.

Were you a fan of the show before you were on it? How about after?
Oh my God, YES! I loved the show then and still love it now. I’ve never missed an episode. Do I wish I’d been asked back to direct more commercials with Sterling Cooper Price Draper etc….? Um, yes. But I am still a huge fan and I am very proud of booking such a great show to start my new LA acting career – and in the latter stages of my 30’s I might add.

How many times did you have to audition?
That was the only time I ever auditioned for Mad Men. I’ve been called back for several other shows cast by the same casting directors since then.

Who was your scene with?
My scene was with the amazing Patrick Fischler, who played the surly, jerk-off borscht-belt style comedian, Jimmy Barrett. Patrick was also in ABC’s Lost as a super creepy Dharma initiative guy in a later season. [And I may also add, he was the guy who had the creepy dream of the bum behind the diner in Mulholland Drive.]

Freddy Rumsen (Joel Murray) and Ken Cosgrove (Aaron Staton) are the agency people at the shoot.

Patrick’s character was a famous comedian shooting a commercial as the new spokesman for Utz Potato Chip. Jan Hoag played the Utz maven. When she walks onto the set to see how the commercial for HER company is going, Jimmy humiliates her by making loud, nasty jokes about her size and she storms out. Sterling-Cooper almost loses the account. It’s a strong opening scene to the episode.

Patrick Fischler as Jimmy Barrett in the episode.

Anything memorable happen you can share?
I haven’t told many people this. I didn’t have any contact lenses at the time and my glasses aren’t period [appropriate to the era]. So wardrobe got these real vintage frames — but just used non prescription plastic lenses. I have a major astigmatism and I’m extremely nearsighted. I was sweating bullets on set because I really and truly couldn’t see a thing. I had to make special “arrangements” with different crew members, some of whom I’ve seen on other sets since then and there’s definitely a bond. Each time the camera wasn’t rolling, I would get them to take my frames, and hold them while I put on my real glasses. I’d try to plot out and memorize all the marks on the floor and where I needed to look for all the reverse and coverage shots where you’re not actually looking at another actor. When I had on the vintage glasses it was just a big blur. The crew helped me find my eyeline and marks throughout. The hardest part was when I had to walk in the scene. I was terrified I was going to crash into the vintage camera. They told us to be careful around it, that it could break, and how expensive it was. It was a little bit of a nightmare. I kept thinking they were going to fire me. But I learned the lesson that I still need to tell myself every time I book a job and I’m doubting myself on-set. They want you to be there and they hired you for a reason. So it’s okay to ask for a little assistance. They WANT you to do well. When I booked Argo, another project where I had to wear period glasses, I immediately went out and got contact lenses to wear with the glasses!

Also, the scene they shot before mine was with one of my Groundlings teachers (and now Oscar winner!), Nat Faxon. I had no idea he’d booked the show and I hadn’t seen him in over a year or so. He was the first person I bumped into that day at the studio and he really put me at ease. It’s always nice to see a friendly face on a set.

Oh, another fun fact: I was credited wrong in the episode. They used the name on my headshot at the time, “Eric S. Cooper” instead of the name I’d put on all the pages of the contract, including something for how you will be credited, as “Eric Scott Cooper”, which is also my SAG name. It was a nightmare with IMDB to get it tied to my account. It’s never happened since. I make sure to always double-check that specific detail now with the production when I’m signing the contract.

A good lesson. And my God, even though I saw the scene and knew it turned out great, hearing your glasses story made me extremely nervous! What great people to have on set. What’s it like to play a director directing a commercial when you’re actually an actor following a director in a TV show?
It’s very meta. I remember the first time I said “action”, I went a little overboard, yelling it like I was in a 1940s movie. Matt came over and told me to just say it like the director Lesli was saying “action” to start the scene we were shooting. And I did. And it was fine.

Eric about to call “Action!”

What was the reaction from family and friends when you told them you were going to be on the show?
Everyone was super crazy excited, mostly because I’d “finally booked something.” My best friend Michael threw me a viewing party. It was a real high.

It was the third episode of season 2 and it was a buzz show that had aired for one season, but it hadn’t become the huge hit it is now. My grandma Millie had never heard of the show — that’s been a challenge for each project since…oy. She’s 89 and has been the most consistently supportive, cheerleading relative. So it’s okay that she doesn’t know what any of the projects are. She still went to see 2 movies even after she knew I’d been cut, just to watch my name in the credits.

My parents were excited too. Of course I called to see what they thought after it aired and my dad said, “That was it?”. Gotta love it.

Do you have a favorite “Mad Men” character and/or episode?
I waffle between Peggy and Joan. Roger Sterling and Sally Draper are also favorites. I look forward to Pete Campbell’s shenanigans and undoings. I don’t necessarily have a favorite episode. I have favorite seasons, relationships and story arcs.

Why do you act professionally? Do you ever see yourself stopping?
I was a professional TV journalist, an Assignment Editor and Field Producer in Russia, and then Boston for years, before coming to LA 10 years ago. I’d always acted in local theater and worked a lot in improv. I actually moved out here to pursue standup and improv. But I ended up accidentally getting an agent — he found me — and the acting thing started working out better than the comedy. I may continue to try different aspects of the business, but I’ll always pursue acting, whether it’s on a stage, screen, web, talking to myself in the car — whatever. I love performing.

What are you working on now? Where can we see you next?
I’m writing a one-man show and I have some LA storytelling events coming up in the new year, dates to be determined. I’m in 2 films that should be making the festival circuit next season as well. I have a recurring role on The Bold and the Beautiful as Gustav, party planner extraordinaire. Hopefully they’ll call me back soon. Besides that I’m always hustling for more work!

I know you became friends with Jan Hoag AKA “Mrs. Utz” – I met her at your birthday party a few years ago. How did that happen?
I’d briefly met Jan Hoag at a party my friend Claire hosted just a few weeks before the audition. So when I called Claire to tell her I booked the show, her reaction was, “My friend Jan booked that show too!!!” So we saw each other on-set for rehearsal and had a great time. We’ve been friends ever since.

Thanks, Eric! You are awesome.

To see more of Eric, check out his reel:

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The Lena Dunham Problem

Nov

2013

exercise

Lena Dunham is big business. Just her name evokes the strongest of human reactions. The IMDB message boards, a place where good comments go to die and bad comments grow to Voldemort proportions, has called her basically every kind of farm animal in existence. Some choice comments:

Yea so my girlfriend is watching this and I ended up sitting there watching it and she comes on naked? Ugh *beep* disgusting.

Quest for dumpiness – Lena, who walked the tight-rope between dumpy and do-able, finally took the plunge into dump-ville. She joined the ranks of the throngs of small town Southern girls by getting the 50yr old woman haircut. Other than the dyke mullet, there are few haircuts that send straight guys running for the hills better than the old lady cut on the 20 something yr old girl.

I don’t hate her,… I like her show, I mean,… I think some moments are stupid and weak, but is also something different. I do think however she is overrated and there is too much hype on her and her show.

What an ugly woman! Looked horrible at the Emmy Awards. She was dressed like a circus clown.

These comments are mean but the second from the last one caught me. It seems that everyone over 40 is ready to call Lena the voice of our generation, but being in my generation, no one is even close to giving her our voice. We’re barely giving her our praise.

And it’s not that we think her show, Girls, is downright terrible (well, I guess some of us do. Personally, I think it isn’t terrible, nor do I think it’s fantastic. I think it exists and is pretty good at existing. I swear, I don’t mean any of this as an insult. The show is fine.) I think that most of us are most offended by Girls not for its content but for its takeover.

Because the thing is, Girls is nothing new to us. I guess it’s new for the 40+ crowd, but we’ve been blogging all this shit for years now. It’s just that Dunham got lucky enough to be in the right place, at the right time, and from the home of the right people.

So is it just jealousy? Yeah, you know what? It is a little bit of jealousy. I don’t think there’s anything she’s doing that I haven’t seen done just as well or better than on my friends’ blogs or their YouTube channels. How did she get her show anyway? She made a movie. A small indie film starring her and her mom, with her sister. How did that get noticed enough to have someone say, ‘Here’s your HBO show, enjoy”?

The Lena Dunham problem is that the older generations are using her to speak for us, when the thing is, she’s speaking with us or even after us. Nothing she’s doing is new, and we wish it was maybe done a little better. As a female writer, I’m happy that she’s got a show and a $3 million book deal, because it shows that people are willing to listen with their money to female writers. And that’s great. There’s lots of Lena Dunhams out there. She’s just the only Lena Dunham who got there first.

Originally posted on Weekly Whatevs.
Image credit: “5-Exercise with Household utensils” by Nina Leen for LIFE via LIFE photo archives for Google.

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The Bachelorette Is The Craziest Show Ever

Jul

2013

The Bachelorette is the weirdest show on TV right now, and if you’re missing it, you need to catch up, because I can’t even describe the surreal level of weirdness that is happening on this seemingly stupid and fluffy television show. This season has been one of the most dramatic, and saddest. Because for the first time ever, we’ve seen real torment about what it’s like to simultaneously date twenty-five men and the pain that comes from having to turn down twenty-four men, and on the opposite side, the overwhelming fear and uncertainty that comes with a woman who is dating twenty-five men and wants you to marry her at the end of a staggeringly short two months.

I’m taking about Desiree and Brooks. To sum up: our perpetually on the edge of tears Katie Holmes/Rachel Bilson hybrid, Desiree Hartsock, is the bachelorette and with one episode left of the season, she’s made it clear that only one of these men is the man for her: Brooks Forrester. But Brooks Forrester is the only person in the history of this franchise to say, “This is fucking crazy, I’m not getting engaged to a girl I’ve had four dates with, known for two months, and spent maybe a total of sixty-five hours with.” Well, not in those exact words.

To recap the season up this point, Desiree has had to deal with:

A guy who brought his kid on the premiere episode and used him to paint himself as a doting dad so he would have a shot at the next Bachelor (“Hollywood, you missed your opportunity — a single dad from Texas” he said, when Desiree rejected him.)
A guy who already had a girlfriend.
A guy who wanted to stay on the show so badly he fake cried and manipulated her into believing that he also wasn’t looking to be the next Bachelor.
A cringe-worthy rap video shoot with Soulja Boy, in which she and the Mr. Desiree hopefuls had to put on stupid costumes and rap about the show.
Two guys who dumped her.

The first one to dump her, Brandon, did it while she was on a date with another guy. No doubt egged on by the producers, he decided right then and there that he wasn’t feeling it to the point where he had to dump her right now. So with a camera crew following him, he found Desiree on her date with Chris, pulled her aside, essentially told her that her feelings for him were stronger than his for her, and left back home for the USA. Desiree cried and poor Chris, still on their date, was left to cheer her up.

About Chris: he and another guy, Drew (who is probably gay), are “madly in love” with Desiree. They, among Brooks, are in the final three. Throughout the show, almost to the end, Desiree said that she likes these three guys very much, and that she’s falling in love with all of them. But then host Chris Harrison, the Olmec (giant stone head in Legends of the Hidden Temple) of the show asked her if there’s anyone in particular she’s really in love with. He asks this of every Bachelor and Bachelorette; they’re never actually expected to answer. They usually deflect the question. The Bach/elorettes never admit to being in love with anyone until the finale, otherwise why would they keep the show going? But Desiree announced, “I’m in love with Brooks.” Stunned, Harrison said something like, “Well should we just pack up and go home?” He asks her, “Has Brooks told you he loves you?”

Pictured: giant stone head.

Zak, Chris, and Drew all told Des that they loved her. Again, they’ve each gotten maybe three dates with her and over the span of two months, while she was dating several other men. Brooks was the only one not to declare his love. “He doesn’t need to,” Des said confidently, 100% kidding herself. “I know how he feels. He doesn’t have to say it.”

But we, the audience, we know how Brooks feels, and we saw that awkward moment where he gave it away with a look. Earlier on their date, Des cheerfully suggested they come up with adjectives to describe something in between “like” and “love” — no doubt she thought this would take the pressure off of him to say “the L-word.” At dinner, she proudly announced her “adjectives.” “There’s stepping. [Then] skipping. [Then] jogging. [Then] running. [Then we’re at the] finish line.” Never mind that none of these are adjectives. The girl is relying on the simplest of metaphors, and possibly the worst; she may as well say, “I am running after you.” When Brooks asked, “So where are we?” she pauses and at the same time she says, “I’m breaking into a run” he says, “Jogging.” Des didn’t acknowledge his lower tier, but we saw the surprise on Brooks’ face. “Running?” he said, trying to keep his eyes from widening to the size of moons. “That’s…good.”

SO here we are, part one of the two part finale, and this is brand new, never before have we seen the show structured like this, by which I mean, it’s not a game anymore. We see Brooks go home to get advice from his mom and sister about whether he should propose. He tells them that Desiree is perfect and what he’s looking for — she checks off all the boxes — but he doesn’t know why he can’t feel love. They stare at him. “If you don’t feel you love this girl, you shouldn’t propose,” says his mom (to paraphrase.)

Well duh, right? But this is The Bachelor/ette world, where it’s expected by the end of the show that there will be a proposal. Because it’s a show. It’s a game. People are eliminated every week until there is a “winner.” But unlike other reality competition shows, there is no cash prize. This reality competition show does not want to acknowledge that that’s what it is. Though Chris and Drew said they are ready to propose to Des right there and then, it’s because they’ve been brainwashed by the entire experience. Brooks is the only one who has stepped back and said, basically, “This is insane.”

He goes to Antigua. Desiree gushes about how excited she is for their date. It’s going to be a romantic day of sailing, and at night, she’s going to ask him to spend an evening with her in “the fantasy suite.” Being in the fantasy suite is the one time during the whole show that the couple can be together without cameras present. And yes, bang. They can bang. And they should, unless they have their own personal reasons against having sex before marriage, but they really should know each other intimately before getting engaged, because that’s what this is, this is your last chance to have sex with someone before you ask them to marry you, and typically, that’s not how people have relationships. But of course none of this show is typical.

Thus Brooks, who must feel like he’s taking crazy pills, came to the decision that he must break up with Desiree, because he isn’t in love with her and isn’t ready to propose, and he doesn’t have any more time, because we are nearing the season finale of a TV show.

Des, so excited to see Brooks walking towards her, immediately knows something is wrong when she sees his face. “What’s wrong?” she asks.

And then we are treated to the most awkward break-up in all of television. Because this is real. No one warned Des about this. Brooks doesn’t want to begin the conversation until they sit down on a bench that is approximately 300 fucking miles away from where they are standing, or at least that’s what it feels like. Once they sit down, it becomes clear that Brooks has no idea how to break up with someone. Des doesn’t understand what he’s getting at until she asks, “How do you feel?” and his pause goes on forever, and she knows, and then he says, honestly, “I want to be madly in love with you…” and trails off and she starts sobbing. He doesn’t even need to add “but.”

He tries to make it better by saying how great she is and he doesn’t know why his feelings aren’t as strong for her as he would like and then she drops the bomb, “I love you.” He’s shocked. “Why didn’t you tell me that earlier?” he says, voice cracking. “Because I couldn’t,” she cries. I’m assuming she means that she was pressured by the producers not to tell him, but who knows really. “You’re the only one I love.” This breaks him. And we see them sobbing on the bench, holding each other, until she pushes him away, begging him not to touch her because it hurts too much.

Neither of them want to leave this bench, they are clinging to each other for dear life. There is no soundtrack, there is just the sound of sobbing. He finally suggests they get up, and they walk away. “I guess you’re leaving” she says, emotionless. “I don’t know what to say,” he says. He keeps apologizing. “Don’t say you’re sorry,” she responds. “It makes it worse.” “I’m sorry,” he says. She stops and for a moment you think she’s going to turn around and smack him.

They keep walking. He says something like, “I thought maybe you had similar reservations I did, that you were confused too” or something and she snaps, saying she did have confusing feelings, because, “I didn’t want to share my heart. I wanted to give it to you” thus revealing that this whole time on the show she’s just been going through the motions while dating everyone else. He realizes he’s made it worse. He has no idea what to do with himself. They hug and she says “stop” and she turns around because she can’t watch him leave. She walks back to the bench of doom. Then he paces, sobbing, saying he didn’t know it was going to be that hard and that, “I didn’t want to let her go…I didn’t expect to feel that.” Does this mean that he’s falling in love with her? That her revelation changed his feelings? You better believe that’s what the producers will convince him. He’ll most likely be back, and they’ll reunite and it will be edited like a Nicholas Sparks movie, and this moment of raw emotion will be pushed aside until the show ends and they break up for real.

So why the hell did I write this much about an episode of The Bachelorette? Because this was the most painful fucking thing I have ever seen on reality TV, and this includes every time someone got their nuts smashed on Wipeout. For once we have the “real” in reality. This feels like my break up. I’ve had this break up. Because this part has nothing to do with the show, this part has to do with feelings, that horrible crunching feeling in a suddenly empty space in your stomach when you realize for the first time that someone you are in love with isn’t in love with you. She must have known it, or she wouldn’t make the classic excuse for him, “he doesn’t need to tell me he loves me, he says it without saying it.” We’ve all said that at some point. We all really wanted to believe it at some point. But thankfully, millions of people weren’t watching us prepare for such an epic car crash at the finish line.

Image credits: screenshots of The Bachelorette, via Hulu, ABC

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Is cable dead?

Mar

2012

This concerns my cat.

Soon I am moving out, presuming that I find a place, which I kind of have to presume, and I’ve been wondering if I should bother to get cable. Here is why I have cable:

— I love television.

— I love AMC and HBO.

— Dr. Phil. Sometimes Dr. Oz.

— And really, this all comes down to having the DVR. I need to be able to record all my shows and watch them whenever I want.

I have a Wii on which I can stream Netflix and that’s it. And yes I have my computer to watch things from Hulu and…other places, but I don’t want to watch TV on my computer. I work on a computer all day. I am internet. I want to watch TV on a TV.

There’s this thing called Roku that I’m wondering if I should get.

Can someone help me out? For those of you who don’t have cable, how do you:

— Watch Mad Men and The Walking Dead? And shows that aren’t available on Netflix or Hulu or the show’s site?

— Watch a daily daytime show like The Today Show or Dr. Oz or Dr. Phil? And just do me a favor and pretend that you watch Dr. Phil. And yes I already googled “watch Dr. Phil online” and I can’t find anything reliable. Am I supposed to use a VCR? Isn’t that a gigantic step backwards?

— Why does my back itch and what are these red bumps on it?

I guess I could get HBO 2 Go or whatever boy band it’s called but what about AMC? Am I supposed to wait until the entire season of Mad Men comes out on Netflix, or until the episode is available online the next week? I can’t wait a week, I work in social media, the spoiler alerts, the goggles, they do nothing.

So what do you do? Do you think cable is dead? Also if you’re one of those people who says, “I don’t watch TV” I just want to let you know that you are missing out on everything ever.

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