andy warhol | APOCALYPSTICK

“I’ve finally learned not to do long, elaborate introductions [at parties] — the kind where you tell too much about a person so there’s nothing left for the other person to ask. It’s something most people already know, but I did it for years and it was awful. I’d say things like, ‘This is Jane and her father likes black men and her mother had a facelift and she just graduated from Brown and she goes to AA every day and she’s just the girl for you because she’ll boss you around and you like that.’ Instead you should say just enough to get people slightly interested. If, for example, a man likes fat women, say, ‘This is Tom, he’s a chubby chaser.’ Period. And that will get them talking, even if it’s only to deny it or say how rude you are.” — Andy Warhol, Andy Warhol’s Party Book

Ahhh there’s nothing like the anticipation for a weekend party. Who will you meet? What will you wear? Will there be food? Why doesn’t anyone ever have any good alcohol? I mean am I the only one who wants a goddamn martini at a party? Oh no thanks, the red plastic cup filled with red bull and vodka is a great substitute, really. I’ll just step outside. Oh wait I can’t, because there are like 25 people smoking out here. You guys are all going to have such gross wrinkles around your mouths. Granted, you do look really cool now though. Would I like one? Oh no I couldn’t possibly. Hell, OK. It’s a party! I’m sorry, what? No i was just planning on holding it, I don’t smoke. You…you want it back? Well I really don’t think that’s fair, you offered it to me. Fine, take it back, jerk.

Really though, I do love parties.

The best party I ever went to, I went alone. It seemed daunting at first, and I was awkward as hell. But I met some great people. And I didn’t have to worry about following someone else’s schedule. Parties would probably be more fun if people brought less people. Because then you wind up talking to your lame friends all night. If you’re going to do that, then just stay at home, and order a Pizone from Dominos. Do they still make those?

The best part about parties, if you’re a woman, usually winds up being the part where you’re getting ready for it. Unless you’re running late, then it’s hell. I always run late because I try on my entire closet before I leave. Then I call my friends and tell them I’m 20 minutes away. 20 minutes is a magical thing. It’s the perfect amount of time. No one will question it. When my friend, Abe, is running late, he tells the other person on the phone, “I’m parking.” And I’ll say, “Abe, we’re like, 20 minutes away, we’re nowhere close to parking.” And he says, “Trust me, no one will notice.” And he’s always right!

(From my Mad Men themed party. That’s actually Abe on the far left, next to me. I adore theme parties!!)

Going to a really nice bar and/or lounge is almost as good as going to a nice party, sometimes better. They usually play better music at hip bars/lounges than they do at your friend Greg’s house. And what’s the deal with Greg’s obsession with Boston? It’s like, dude, we all love “Saturday In The Park” and “More Than A Feeling” but they’re not the best party jams. OK, “More Than A Feeling” is actually a great party jam. The build up to, “I close my EEEEEEEYES and I slip AAAAWAAAAAAAYYYYY” oh damn I’m getting chills just typing it!

The worst party I ever went to was at a lovely girl’s house and it wasn’t her fault but my two dear friends BOTH had boyfriends/boy interests there and I was shut out so I went to talk to a cute boy who I knew through someone else, and he was in town for one night, and just as we were getting to the good stuff, the hostess’ PARENTS waltz in and HIJACK our conversation and leave me in the dust!! This is the problem with “cool parents”. It’s all fun and games when they supply you with weed and wine but when they start mingling and COCK BLOCK YOU that’s when they need to go into their room to watch a Tivo’d “Law and Order” with a glass of milk or some shit.

The Andy Warhol quote at the top made me realize that people have really let their party etiquette go to shit. No one really properly introduces people anymore. Usually people forget. I can’t count how many times I’ve been standing next to a friend who is carrying on a conversation with someone I never met. Usually I have to say, “Hi, I’m Almie” and then it’s just weird for everyone. Especially because they don’t catch my name the first time. And they’ll say, “Oh Amy?” And I’ll say, “No, Almie.” And they’ll say, “Is that short for something?” What the fuck would it be short for? Almanda? Please do me a favor and introduce your party guests to each other! Don’t think you’re too cool to do that. My dear friend Erika is very good with introducing people and I always have a good time at her parties. Coincidence? No, dear sir or madam, no.

Finally, no more Apples To Apples at parties. I hate that game. I always lose.

Party — Envelopes
More Than A Feeling — Boston
Let’s Face The Music And Dance — Ella Fitzgerald
Party Girl — Bernadette Carroll