Category Archives: clothes

Clothing choices.

I don’t understand the way my contemporaries are dressing lately.

Before I get into this, I just want to say: this is not a personal attack on anyone. For all I know you make it work like a factory. 

Ladies. Please explain this to me. Why do you wear these things?

Maternity Style Dresses. It’s more than an empire waist dress. It’s an EMPIRE STRIKES BACK dress. (See the pun I made there? SEE IT? Good.) I don’t get this. Okay sometimes I get it. When Mr. Tophat is in town, you wanna downgrade the situation and make things comfortable. But why would you elect to wear this style of dress every day? I rocked this outfit too — WHEN I WAS EIGHT.

Oxford shoes. What the fuck are these things. Why are they here. Why are women wearing them. Do you realize that they’re cutting off your leg 90% of the time? Do you realize you look like you’re about to go golfing? Do you not care that people might think you like to golf?

Leggings with a giant sweatshirt. Seriously, what the fuck is this? Talk about dressing like an 8-year-old. This shit is no longer acceptable if you are old enough to drive and are younger than 80. This is bullshit. It’s bullshit that you can put on a giant stupid sweatshirt with leggings and not be going to the gym and be posted on the Internet as a fashion ~~inspiration~~.

American Apparel. Do you not realize how disgusting this company is? How it’s racist, sexist, and just plain deplorable? Do you not realize that you can buy the same basics at Target for a fraction of the cost?

The whole “I’m a good Christian mom with two kids in 1990” look. You know what I’m talking about. The dowdy sweater, the ill-fitting mom pants, the OXFORDS or something similar, and to top it off, the mom-style leather purse. Also includes the whole t-shirt tucked into high shorts with a belt look.

The whole t-shirt tucked into high shorts with a belt look. Just for emphasis, because I really don’t understand this one.

The hummingbird skull necklace. It’s been done, sorry.

“I’m that math teacher from middle school” look. Similar to the ’90s mom look, but with a twist. The twist usually being a Golden Girls style dress and short socks with chunky heels. Also includes wearing the longest skirts ever made.

Long denim skirt. I can’t even–

 

Basically my issue is with lovely young ladies dressing like Clarissa Darling’s mom. I think they aim for Clarissa, but they overshoot. So explain this to me: what is the appeal?

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“Sexy” Halloween Costumes = Normal Bowie Costumes

“Sexy” Halloween costumes are nothing new. It’s great fun though to point out how stupid some of them are (like who wants to be “Sexy Chinese Takeout”? But yes, that costume actually exists). Then I noticed something. A lot of these “Sexy” costumes double as great David Bowie costumes. No, seriously. All you have to do is picture these costumes with Ziggy Stardust makeup and a fun wig like this (just cut short). And of course thigh high boots will need to be applied to all outfits.

For example, this Sexy cop outfit makes a stellar Ziggy get-up. Simply lose the hat, belt, and cuffs. NOW who’s jamming good with Weird and Gilly? It’s you, rockstar!

Go for that Space Bowie look with this “women’s astronaut costume” (yeah I don’t think it’s NASA approved). Just ditch the cleavage — you’re David Bowie now!

“You remind me of the babe–” “What babe?” “THE SEXY BABE DRESSED AS LABYRINTH BOWIE!” Be your own Goblin King in this “Lady of The Court” costume. Get this wig and an ascot and a stolen baby and you’ll be seducing a teenage Jennifer Connelly in no time!

This was almost too easy. Remember, Ziggy Stardust was a child of the 70s, and it didn’t matter what planet he came from — all jumpsuits from the 70s were ugly. Lose the belt on this one, stuff the bellbottoms into boots and before you know it, you’ll have Iggy Pop chasing after you with a stick!

Looks like one girl’s minidress is another Bowie’s tunic! Replace the belt with a simple sash, tie another sash around your neck, and get some baggy thigh high boots on this one. With the right make-up and hair you’ll have everyone’s mother in a whirl, you boy and/or girl!

All you need is a guitar, but if you want to really go that extra mile, wear the “Hollywood Glamour Kimono” untied with a metallic bathing suit/one piece underneath. That Starman in the sky is going to be looking down at you, jealous as fuck!

“Princess Padme Amadala Costume” my ass, I know a David Bowie costume when I see one. Don’t let the utility belt fool you! You can even keep the boots, or get a shiny color if you really want people to say, “DAVID FUCKING BOWIE!” You don’t even have to replace ray-gun with a cigarette; just put it to your head and freak out in a moonage daydream! Oh yeah!

(All costumes from Yandy.)

(Important shout-out to Cézanne for resizing the photos and placing them side-to-side for me, since yes, I really have no idea how to do that.)

Stardust Kids — Davie Bowie vs MGMT (A Plus D)

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What shall I wear?


Sometimes I think my life would be easier if I lived in a community where everyone wore the same thing.

Like those women from the Zion Ranch.

They all have slight variations of the same brightly colored dress with the puffy sleeves. I know this because I watch Oprah (OK wait, in my defense I Tivo it and I laugh at her, not with her. Also, shut up). During one point in Oprah’s interview with the female Zion teens, she asked, “Why y’all dress the same?” And one of the girls said, “We don’t, our dresses are actually all a little different. For instance, my dress has [so and so minor detail] while hers has [other minor detail]. Sometimes we’ll say to each other, ‘I love your dress, where did you get it?'”. At this point Oprah laughed really hard, because, well, the question is silly. “Where did you get your dress?” “Oh I got it at this really neat little place — THE ONLY CLOTHING STORE IN TOWN.” “I love that place!”


Anyway. There almost IS a uniform for the young twenty somethings of my age, and that is American Apparel. I am certainly not above American Apparel, though just for fun I’ll get incensed over their prices, and stalk ebay for a better deal. But it’s all so predictable. Ex. If it’s a skirt from AA then it will usually be paired with a white tee, black tights, and either those fugly low-heeled oxford/jazz shoes or mile high heels. Large rimmed glasses are optional. But as I bemoaned in my last post regarding AA, when I go out I like to eat, and their material isn’t very forgiving.

(And by the way, what is so alluring about low-heeled oxford/jazz shoes? What asshole decided, “I feel like looking like the Grandpa from ‘Rugrats’ today” and made that an acceptable trend? Fuck me.)

BUT THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW.

Every day I try to feel inspired about my clothing. I’ll hunt the internet for fashion blogs. (The chick at leblogdebetty.com BTW is my fucking FRENCH DOPPLEGANGER I swear to God). But usually what happens is I’ll just grab whatever’s clean from my closet and wear that. I used to care about what I wore but then I got busy with life and somehow the clothes lost their way back in. I keep a folder on my laptop full of clothing inspiration. I have a scrapbook too. I am lame. But still I dress like someone who just doesn’t care.

Which means that when I actually have to get dressed for a specific event, I freeze. I used to intern for a certain legendary/eccentric producer at Paramount and even though I was but a lowly intern I was required to dress “nice”. No jeans. No flip-flops. Getting dressed in the morning was probably more stressful than managing Nicolas Cage’s career. I hated having to “dress nice”. And what is the big deal about jeans anyway? Most of my jeans cost more than my shoes. Let’s just say I relished working at Fox where the dress code was not draconian. Also that job was better. I was paid. BUT THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW.

What’s my point to all of this? you may be asking yourself.

I don’t have a fucking point.

I have a closet full of clothes, a good chunk of it American Apparel, and nothing to wear.

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just what is it about american apparel?

(somehow or another my hair always winds up in my face right before the shutter clicks)

I KNOW THAT everyone and their mother has this dress from American Apparel. It is the double U neck dress. The short sleeved one. I bought it on ebay in a clever move to try to avoid paying AA’s shameless prices and wound up saving about a dollar. GREAT.

I have no idea how to wear this thing. I know that it’s probably a prime piece for building on but sometimes I just want to put on a fucking dress and be done with that shit. I don’t want to have to build on it. I want to wear it. And I don’t want to have to wear spanx with it and some magical Harry Potter type alohamora bra that magically hides underneath the tight material.

BUT LOOK AT THE FABULOUS CLEAVE:

To quote Blondie, “I didn’t have the nerve to say no.”

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