Category Archives: men

I Love British Men

British men

I love British Men. I blame David Bowie. And Paul McCartney. And Jarvis Cocker. To me, British men are like Pokémon: gotta catch ’em all!

I’m on Tinder now (God help me) and I am seeing a lot of British men pop up. (Do they prefer English men? Englishmen? Someone help me out. Is British somehow offensive? I have no idea.) I know that they’re British because they say so; it’s not like I have really good British radar where I can see a photo of someone and tell. And by the way, when I say “a lot” of British men, I mean like 1 out of every 40 guys is British. Which seems like a lot when you’re bored and go through Tinder about as often as you blink. I am absolutely fascinated by Tinder. But that’s not important right now.

What’s important right now, and forever, is British men. Yes, I absolutely have a Brit fetish. I’m aware that this could be offensive, because few people really want to be someone else’s fetish. I’d be creeped out if someone boasted their love for Jewish-Italian girls and treated me like an object. But, come on. British men are amazing. You could take the most unattractive British guy and bam! Bob’s-your-uncle he’s 10x more attractive than an average American guy solely because of his accent. It’s true and I’m not sorry.

I’ve been chatting with one particular Englishman on Tinder. We’ll call him Bert, after the ever-delightful chimney sweep. Bert and I sent a few messages back and forth, and then my brash American brain decided I needed proof of Britness. I asked him to call me to, “prove you’re British.” And God save the Queen, he did. And I don’t care if the accent was fake, because it was incredible. Hearing a British man talk to you over the phone is like hearing your own private concert from your favorite musician. They could say anything and it would sound like a gorgeous symphony. Imagine your favorite English accent in your mind. Now imagine it saying, “I strangled six cats with an iPhone cord.” Fabulous.

Bert and I were going to meet last night, but we didn’t. I think we’re both too nervous to actually meet each other. And now, if he sees this, he’ll probably never want to meet me. And that’s okay. Such is life. Sometimes life is about what doesn’t happen, instead of what does.

I’m exchanging messages with another British dude on Tinder, too. Or at least I was, until he stopped responding. And I didn’t even say anything offensive, I swear.

I think men on Tinder are Googling my name and are finding my blog and going, “LOL hell no, k byyyeee.”

Oh, well. Mind the gap.

Let’s discuss British men and/or Tinder. I want to hear your stories about either. Or both!


Photo of David Bowie by me @apocalypstick.

Follow me on Twitter | Facebook


Follow me on Twitter | Facebook

What Men Really Think About Makeup


Makeup and the women who use it have had a long history of love and hate. Some women love experimenting with makeup and won’t leave the house without it; others hate it and would rather go barefaced as the day they were born. But what do men think about makeup, really? Do they like when we wear it? How much is too much? What do they think “natural makeup” is? I asked some men of varying ages to try to get some answers. Of course, every man is different. But if you’re curious about what men really think about makeup, this is for you.

Men in their 20’s.

“Do I like when women wear makeup? My gut response is no. I always tell my girlfriend she doesn’t need it and looks beautiful without it, which I really mean. That being said I did see the Mila Kunis picture without her wearing makeup and was blown away by how different she looked. I guess I’ve always underestimated the transformative powers of makeup.” — Nick, 26.

“Sure [I like when women wear makeup]. I’m a little old-fashioned. But that’s like asking, ‘Do you like it when women wear clothes?’ It’s all a question of what, and how much. It’s good when there’s a clear difference between everyday makeup and special occasion makeup. It’s a nice gesture to have a girl make for you, albeit not a hugely important one. That said, some girls can totally rock huge eyelashes and eyeshadow 24/7. I’d just avoid a full Dee Snider whenever possible. I feel like I’m failing a critical gender theory class just be answering these questions.” — Jesse, 29.

“I’m not a big fan of makeup. I think it takes away from a person’s natural beauty. I understand it’s practical at times, but I prefer the less-is-more approach. Caked-on foundation, no thank you. ‘Natural makeup’ would probably be things like lipstick and eyeliner. They accentuate features, but don’t necessarily cover up blemishes and what not. Blemishes are what make people attractive, at least in my opinion.” — Matt, 27.

“Certain girls look good with makeup, and some look good ‘natural’. Though I’m not too disappointed in a well done smokey eye. Now, ‘too much makeup’ is something that really depends on the occasion. Obviously costume parties and the like have to be excluded from this. Day-to-day, ‘too much’ makeup is hard to define, as it’s really about what’s comfortable for the person wearing it, and however they feel they look best. I suppose I would define ‘natural makeup’ as light, merely highlighting facial features as opposed to drawing attention to them particularly.” — Shaun, 23.

“I like when make up goes unnoticed. I dislike when it becomes the main character of the face. It gives me the creeps seeing baroque art imitation on girls faces. I think less is more with this kind of stuff.” — Ivan, 28.

“I really like the way a bit of eyeliner and mascara can accentuate a whole look. It serves as a spotlight on her beauty rather than a concealer of her ‘flaws’. I had a girlfriend that I knew for quite a while before I ever saw her completely devoid of any foundation or concealer. When I did finally see her face untouched by makeup, adorable freckles were revealed on the tops of her cheeks. She never looked more beautiful to me.” — James, 29.

“I don’t mind a little makeup if we’re going out, but if we’re just hanging in I don’t think any is necessary. You’re wearing too much makeup if I can’t kiss you or touch your face because it’ll smear. [I have] no clue what ‘natural makeup’ is. Ummmm, chapstick and moisturizing lotion?” — Cliff, 27.

Men in their 30’s.

“[Makeup] can certainly look nice, but it is not appealing in and of itself. Wearing makeup badly, meaning ‘too much’, is far worse than wearing none at all. Anything more than the faintest highlight can be too much.  I’m not sure [what ‘natural makeup’ is]. I guess if makeup smooths over blemishes but isn’t recognizable as makeup, then it’s ‘natural’.  That seems fine by me.” — “Nick”, 38.

“I’m not into the drag queen layers some girls wear. If you look like Mimi from the Drew Carey show, you’re doing it wrong. Makeup should enhance your good features, not create them.” — Doug, 31.

“[‘Too much’ makeup] is pretty much subjective. However, if a woman’s wearing so much foundation and concealer that I can’t see the texture of her skin, I’m left wondering what the hell she’s covering up. Frankly, there’s no such thing [as ‘natural makeup’].” — Allen, 36.

“I guess ‘too much’ makeup is when a woman literally is covered in a mask of makeup. Basically, I would like her to look essentially the same whether we’re at the gym or at a cocktail party. Some makeup is fine, but I’m partial to the ‘natural look’ of rouge and maybe mascara and eyeliner.” — Keith, 38.

Men in their 40’s.

“A little [makeup] is alright. A little blush, a little eyeshadow. Enhancement of your natural color, not something that will look like a watercolor painting in a rainstorm if you sweat or cry a little. If you look like Tammy Faye Bakker doing her impression of the Joker you’ve gone too far.” — Joe, 42.

“Although a natural look is great, makeup that accentuates a woman’s finer points can be very appealing and even seductive. That’s not to say it’s necessary, just a nice accompaniment. The ’70s disco scene or ’80s hair band or Boy George looks were examples of too much makeup. While red lipstick and nails can be very attractive and sexy some of the time, and other colorful applications can be terrific once in awhile as accents, painting oneself like a clown has never appealed to me. I’d rather see the real person than the mask. Sheryl Crow comes to mind as someone who, even when wearing a lot of makeup, usually appears relatively natural because of the makeup styles and colors that blend in with her look and accentuate her natural features rather than hiding them.” — Paul, 46.

“I like when women wear makeup for an occasion — like going out to dinner — when they dress up, so it’s part of the ensemble. Glamorous times! For just hanging out or whatever, I’m always baffled that women feel the need to put on makeup. If you have to ask ‘Is this too much makeup?’, the answer is yes. ‘Natural makeup’ to me is when it’s very similar to the woman’s real face — skin tone, eyelash and eyebrow color. It’s using makeup to just take care of a few imperfections and make things a little more even. If you do it right, most people won’t even be sure you have makeup on.” — “Scott”, 42

So what have we learned?

There’s been a lot of talk of covering “blemishes.” What do men consider “blemishes”? Some consider them “zits” while others think blemishes are exclusively something like “sun damage”. It seems the majority of men do not know what ‘natural makeup’ is. Nick, 26, asked if it was “subtle make up that is barely visible or is it makeup made from natural products?” Some men thought it meant no makeup at all while others thought it meant just chapstick and maybe some mascara. Basically, they all agreed that if your face is a different color from your neck, that’s not good, and if they can see foundation (“caked-on” was used a lot), that’s also not good.


Photo: Nina Leen via LIFE photo archives for Google. Originally posted from The Gaggle.


Follow me on Twitter | Facebook

What I want from men.

guys and dolls

I asked my friend Tony, “Hey Tony. I know this is a big question, but what do guys really want? I know every man is different. But think broadly. What do guys want from a woman? For her to do or not do? You know?”

He said, “It really depends on the guy. And unfortunately, I’m so far off from most guys that I don’t know how well I can answer that.” And then, he asked me, “What do you want out of a boy? For him to do and not do?”

Here’s what I want.

“I want a boy to be honest, but there’s a difference from being honest and being blunt. To be honest is having your actions align with your words.

I like when boys don’t play games. By which I mean this: If you say something, you should mean it. Don’t say something and then do something else. Don’t act one way and then another. That’s a game to me.

I want men to be unafraid of doing new things or of looking silly.

I want men to understand that for you, it’s just a text, but for most women (NOT ALL, MOST, NOT ALL, MOST, UNDERSTAND?) we dissect texts and take them apart and over-interpret them. Similarly, we worry when you don’t text at all. We think, “What have I done wrong?” I guess my point is that, keep in mind that communcation via any medium is important.

I want men to know that we’re way less complicated than you think we are. We just want to know that we’re valued and that we mean something to you. We’re not asking you to marry us, or commit to us immediately, or try to trap you into a relationship. That’s not what I’m saying. We just want to know that you like us. That you recognize we’re people with feelings like yours. It’s always nice to feel appreciated. We know we can go a little overboard with reading into things and seeing signs that aren’t there. But we do it because we feel like you’re not giving us enough. Maybe that’s because men aren’t trained to show emotion. But we like a little emotion.

I want men to know that we hate games too. We really do!!! We don’t want to have to play them. But when we text you and you don’t text back, we suddenly think, oh, now I have to do the whole, let me just disappear thing so he’ll want me again. It doesn’t even matter that it isn’t logical, and in most cases, isn’t even correct (people are busy! people don’t think texting is as important as you do! And so on!) I think that in the same way men are trained not to show emotion, women are trained to try to trap a man. I don’t feel this way. None of my friends do. This is of an older generation. But we’re still faced with books like, “Why Men Love Bitches” and “He’s Just Not That Into You” and suddenly we panic and think, “Well wait, why ISN’T he into me? HOW DO I CHANGE IT??” That’s why there’s an entire industry based on relationship books.

It all comes down to one thing, and it’s one thing that works for both men and women: be kind, be honest, and don’t be a dick.”

(And be hot and good in bed. If not hot, then at least good.)

Men: what do you want from women?


Follow me on Twitter | Facebook