Sometimes really cute boys come into work. No, like, really cute. Like after he leaves, “Oh My God did you guys see that guy who was just in here?” cute.

Our policy is to ask for ID with every credit card purchase so sometimes I can get the guy’s name and then google them. WHAT? THAT’S TOTALLY NORMAL. I mean because every single time the guy has been cute it’s because he’s also an actor. Someone I already vaguely recognize. So one check on the internet brings up his imdb profile and sometimes who he’s dating. Thank you, internet!

I would never, ever contact them though. Not even through missed connections on craigslist. That’s not my scene. Once I got really drunk and wrote one for some guy who worked in a yogurt shop. Then the next day I freaked out and deleted it. Because, well, yikes.

Some of the cute boys who come in are just classic cute. Actor cute. And not quirky actor cute like this Michael Cera shit but legit Zac Efron cute (You know what I mean. Zac Efron is cute. Let’s not kid ourselves. He has a pleasant face.) Others are artsy cute. There’s usually facial hair involved. And sometimes suspenders. And they’re always really thin and look vaguely haunted.

It’s a bummer. You have this moment of contact, smiling, flirting, etc and then they’re gone forever. I watch too many movies. Because if it were a movie they would have left their scarf behind. And I would run after them but it would be too late. So I would sketch them in their scarf and make fliers and post them up and that would lead to a website and that would lead to a spot on the Today Show and it would be all about the charming girl played by Mila Kunis who is looking for the boy in the red scarf and he wouldn’t find her/me until the end of the film because he was traveling with his mean bitchy girlfriend who was purposefully trying to keep us apart who he finally decides to dump after seeing me on television wishing I could meet him. Fergie sings over the credits.

But the people who want to know you are the people you never want to know. In real life, the boy in the red scarf has a girlfriend. I mean sometimes people try to be nice and say, “Oh he was probably just referring to his sister when he said, ‘Hi sweetie’ on the phone” and it’s like, when does the hot guy ever have a sister? When is it actually a hilarious sitcom misunderstanding like that?

Or the guy who wants you is weird and creepy and won’t leave you alone or he’s simply not attractive to you or you have no common interests or all of those things combined. The people who I want are never the people who want me and the people who want me are never the people I want. I guess that’s just how life is.

Boners.

Leggy Blonde — Flight Of The Conchords