Please enjoy this piece by guest writer and friend Danny Artese:
So you’re texting/ g-chatting/ on your phone with/ great-Gilbert-Gottfried’s ghost!- having drinks in person with- your friend whose vulnerable little heart has once again been stepped on by a specimen of australopithecus jerkarensis. As you dab your friend’s tears with your monogrammed hankie (Handkerchiefs for repeated nose-blowing = why does this still happen? Handkerchiefs for dabbing the tears of a friend in need = approved) you say, “Don’t be upset. He isn’t even worth the snotty cocktail napkin you’re crying into (no way is your friend’s nose going in your hankie, after all)!” This could be one of those things you say to make people feel better like, “Maybe losing your job, your health insurance, and your Betta fish all in one day is a blessing in disguise” or maybe you actually mean it.
Why do we really mean it when we tell our friends a guy’s not worth it, but have such a hard time believing it when we hear it? Same with compliments, by the way. If only all the answers followed, but instead please enjoy whatever learnings this list of true-life examples of things boys have said and done to prove they are definitively not worth it (obvious proof in the style of only-periodical hygiene, violent tendencies, unhealthy addictions, and brown shoes with black belts need not be mentioned):
He says: I have commitment issues. This one is entirely context-dependent. If you have selected paint samples for the baby’s nursery and booked your hotel room in Sochi for the 2014 Winter Games before you’ve learned his last name, he’s probably entirely justified in telling you he has commitment issues. More likely, you have commitment issues. However, when a guy tells you he has commitment issues when you are trying to schedule a second date after an agreed-upon spectacular first date, he is not likely to be worth joining for a second date. Either he’s lying- but we never want to believe they are lying when they tell us a date we enjoyed went well- and is using this as an excuse, or he’s telling the truth. In the event he is an honest soul, there is no need to waste time pursuing someone who is so scared of the amazing time he had in his first outing with you that he can’t stomach the idea of another. The only possible route to redemption after such a disgrace is obviously if he handwrites you a love letter in which he explains that he was startled by how quickly he fell for you and lists all his favorite quirks about you: “the way you cut your peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in three instead of two, how your freckled nose crinkles just above the bridge whenever the smell of yesterday’s pad thai wafts into the dark channels that are your nostrils, etc”.
He says: I get it. You’re (fill in the blank). Any way you slice it, this is a sign you’re dealing with a guy who is clearly beneath you. If he fills in the blank with a negative (gassy/poor/ancient) he’s just mean. Fill in the blank with a positive (brilliant/beautiful/hilarious) and it comes off sarcastic at best. The implication of his preface “I get it” is that you can stop trying so hard to convince him of your best attributes, even if they’re just shining through naturally. What is dating but an exercise in convincing and being convinced that high levels of brilliance, beauty, and hilarity are present? On the off chance that you really are trying too hard to communicate these qualities (ok, it’s an on chance), he can let you know he’s picked up on them with a simple, “Wow; how did I get so lucky to meet someone who’s so brilliant/beautiful/hilarious?”followed with a gentle, gentlemanly kiss on the neck, cheek, or possibly lips; I’ll take corny over tactless any day. I want to be electrified, not electrocuted, thank you.
One of my personal favorites a guy has ever said to me: I already feel like I know you well enough. Well enough? You know me well enough? You would rather not learn one tiny new thing about me, ever? Note to all the gentleman callers out there: when you’re with someone, whether it’s romantic, entirely platonic, or an encounter of the third kind and the other party says something along the lines of wanting to get to know you better, “I already feel like I know you well enough,” is never an appropriate response unless you are looking to halt production until a replacement can be found. In that case, proceed and enjoy your karma.
He’s ugly. If you’re embarrassed to be seen with him, it doesn’t matter how wonderful he is behind closed doors. If you must be with an ugly guy, keep things under wraps. Literally. Wrap that sucker’s face in gauze and tell him you have a mummy fetish if you need to. You’ll earn far more brownie points for dating a burn victim than you’ll lose for breaking up with a guy just because he’s not attractive. I fully support dating slightly beneath your own hotness to ensure you’re the better looking one, however.
Danny currently lives in New York where he spends his free time building tiny houses for goldfish crackers. He used to like Martha Stewart but doesn’t anymore. Danny knows a lot about fine cheeses and is a great person to watch American Idol with. When asked if Danny would write a piece for my blog, he laughed then paused and said, “Oh, you’re serious.”
