Let Me Get What I Want.

January 1st is bullshit. It does not exist! It only exists in your mind. By which I mean…DO NOT WAIT UNTIL JANUARY 1ST TO START YOUR RESOLUTIONS. INSTEAD, START THEM NOW, SO BY JANUARY 1st YOU’LL ALREADY BE OFF TO A GREAT START! Instead of saying, “I’d like to lose 10 pounds starting January” why not lose the 10 pounds before January so you can look banging on New Years Eve? (By the way, it’s not advisable to lose 10 pounds in a whisker under a month but if you want to I suggest cocaine. That’s what all the stars use! If you cannot afford cocaine then you can try caffeine. But no solids. Ever. Not until after January 1st, rockstar!)

But really. Don’t let Glamour magazine tell you to wait for the first. Or your teachers. Or the television with the Desperate Housewives and the Jello pudding. Do it now. Join me! It will be like a giant flashmob on the internet. But instead of reaching for dance moves we’ll be reaching for our goals. Or reaching for metaphors like I just did.

So tomorrow is December 5th. By January 5th, I want you all to complete something that’s important to you. Maybe it’s to come up with an awesome outfit for the Lady GaGa concert on the 22nd at the Nokia Theatre, but that’s totally not why my goal is, I mean that’s just silly, right? Yeah it’s not like I’m already getting ideas for makeup and hair, maybe even considering buying a bow wig on Ebay or trying to recreate her SNL outfit from when she was with Madonna. I AM TOTALLY NOT DOING THAT IN SAFARI RIGHT NOW. SHHHH. Dont’ tell anyone you guys. Let’s just keep it a secret between us and the internet.

Maybe your goal is something better than that (not that that’s what my goal is because it isn’t at all). Maybe you’re looking for a part time job. Or trying to pick a major. Or maybe you’re working on a screenplay. I don’t know! I don’t know what people do. I mean, I know what people do, because people are insufferable and love to talk about their jobs and when they do that my brain is all, “Psh, later dude” and floats out via my ears and I’m stuck watching a cartoon on loop, Homer Simpson-style. Then when they stop talking I’m forced to say something about myself so I wind up making some dumb joke because I hate being sincere and then they say to their friends that I’m a bitch with no feelings and that I try too hard. Then I go home and write about it in my journal and cry while listening to Morrissey. Then if it’s raining I lean my face against the rain and pretend like the raindrops are tears falling down my face. If it’s not raining I run the shower and get on the other side of the shower door and press my face against that. It’s called adapting to your surroundings.

But let’s do it together, you guys. Let’s be the Black Eyed Peas. You guys are Will.I.Am., Taboo…and the other dude. I’m Fergie. Together we’re going to wear diabolical outfits and sing songs that, according to my brother, sound like they should be in “High School Musical or some shit, can’t you picture Zach Efron singing to this? God I hate this song, change it.” Then I tell him to shut up because I’m the one driving. We can do this, together. Tell me what your goals are for the new year and fuck the new year because we’re doing it now. I GOTTA FEELING.

Then when 2010 comes we’ll be ahead of the game. I’ve always wanted to be ahead for once! My whole life I’ve been falling behind. Not this time, paper gangsters. This time I’m going to stop procrastinating and start getting everything I’ve ever wanted. It’s scary but it’s time. It’s time for all of us!

A Whole New World — Aladdin Soundtrack

P.S. After you download this (because I know you will, don’t even pretend you won’t) pretend it’s Morrissey singing it. Then realize it would be a fantastic song for him to cover and wonder why he hasn’t already.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Share

Follow me on Twitter | Facebook