Lately I’ve been changing the way I think about life. BY GETTING HAMMERED ALL THE TIME!!!! No, I’m kidding. That wasn’t even a funny joke. I’m sorry. Anyway. My default has always been to chose negativity over positivity. To be cynical, not sunny. I think I realized why I do this. I’m always bracing myself for disappointment. When I was a little kid, I thought I was fucking awesome. I mean I wouldn’t shut up about it. I was Kanye on the playground. I thought my life was awesome and would always continue to be awesome. Then I started to hear all of those sayings: “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” “Not so fast” “Look before you leap” “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” “Wait for the other shoe to drop” and so forth. And I started to think, maybe it’s arrogant to think that I’m going to be okay. Maybe I shouldn’t go through life with confidence. Maybe I should constantly brace myself for disappointment, and constantly put myself down even in a joking way, and maybe I should always tread lightly.
But the thing about disappointment is that there is nothing you can do to soften it. Disappointment is disappointment. Preparing for it doesn’t make it any better. You don’t purposefully drive with a flat tire to brace yourself just in case you get one.
When did it become tacky to believe in yourself? To say, things are going to work out for me and mean it and follow through with it? Why do we have to walk around apologizing for wanting success? And why is it so much easier, for me at least, to be negative than positive? Feeling positive feels so much better. Feeling negative takes up so much energy. It’s exhausting trying comparing myself and making myself feel bad, so why do I keep doing it? I need to change my roommate’s behavior. I am putting all of my eggs in one basket because if I drop the basket, it’s just a bunch of broken fucking eggs.
I don’t believe in high stakes anymore. I don’t believe that if I did this or this my life would change (or even worse, wouldn’t). My life is not supposed to be this difficult. I am allowed to love my life, and myself and I am allowed to believe in myself, and if that sounds like some stupid Marlo Thomas Childen’s Special I don’t even give a fuck. We are all allowed to have good, happy lives! Really! I know, right? Somewhere in between our transformation from children to teens to adults we got tricked into thinking that life was hard and that we have to make ourselves feel bad. There is absolutely no reason to do this. We’re all fine. We all have our strengths, our weakness, our likes, our dislikes, and there’s room for all of that and all of us. So what isn’t there to happy about? Leap and a net will appear — it appears because you want it to. All you have to do is want it.
Everything is more complicated than you think. You only see a tenth of what is true. There are a million little strings attached to every choice you make; you can destroy your life every time you choose. But maybe you won’t know for twenty years. And you may never ever trace it to its source. And you only get one chance to play it out. Just try and figure out your own divorce. And they say there is no fate, but there is: it’s what you create. And even though the world goes on for eons and eons, you are only here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. Most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born. But while alive, you wait in vain, wasting years, for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it all right. And it never comes or it seems to but it doesn’t really. And so you spend your time in vague regret or vaguer hope that something good will come along. Something to make you feel connected, something to make you feel whole, something to make you feel loved. And the truth is I feel so angry, and the truth is I feel so fucking sad, and the truth is I’ve felt so fucking hurt for so fucking long and for just as long I’ve been pretending I’m OK, just to get along, just for, I don’t know why, maybe because no one wants to hear about my misery, because they have their own. Well, fuck everybody. Amen. (“Synecdoche, New York”)
Good post! Now I want to watch that movie.
GOOD ICON.
Thank you. I like that film but I think most people want to kill themselves after watching it.
Hi, I’ve been following your blog for quite a while now and I really like your posts, but this one is so good it’s worth my first blog-post comment EVER – you’re talking about a lot of things I think about all the time. I hate it when, as you grow up, all the “grown-ups” tell you that life isn’t gonna be what you imagine it to be, all awesome and happy, and that you just should stop looking for perfect – actually, every time you mention the word “perfect”, people look at you like you’re a poor demented child that knows nothing about life yet and will wind up miserable and depressed over high-staked shattered dreams. I say, dream on! Hope on! A perfect life is out there for you, don’t stop looking for it! I mean, hope is nice, isn’t it? You can still mourn all the things you wanted but didn’t get when you’re dead. Till then, everything is still possible! And I would quote Pascal with “If there are not infinite chances of loosing, against that of winning, do not hesitate, stake all. You are obliged to play, so renounce reason if you value your life. ” (I like your quote – my favorite from Synecdoche, but this one is from one of Eric Rohmers movies. I like his movies because he always gives a happy ending to his hopelessly idealistic characters (check out “A winters tale” if you haven’t already)).
Wow, thank you!
I don’t know how I stumbled on your blog, but I’m glad I did. You are so friggin funny. You can add “amazing writer” and “hysterical sense of humor” to your list of things to feel great about yourself and your life. You really should be writing books with this kind of talent (Sorry if you already are, I’m a new follower so I haven’t read your posts all the way back yet).
Aw yay! Thank you! And I’m working on it.
Completely understand the Kanye of the playground thing. I’m pretty sure our generation was so smothered in praise that we’ve all been going through withdrawal since we hit puberty.
ALMIE YOU ARE THE BEST
love reading your writing. it reminds me of me. not how i write, but how i live, you know? (that is not meant to be facetious even though it is possibly misinterpretable as such)
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Good job Almie. Take it from me: this newfound attitude is the beginning of the rest of your life. So proud of you. 🙂
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Yes! Greatest post ever! I am woman (or person from the X or Y generation) hear me roar. Rawr
….I may have drunk too much at a holiday party. Even against your sound advice in the previous post. Cheers! And merry Christmas!
I just love that you referenced “Syndecdoche, New York.” Wonderful film. I need to see it again.
What an excellent quote. Do what you want to do, because life is too short to be self-conscious.
I think you are a beautiful person and I’m super happy that you are feeling happier! And yesterday I was only half joking when I told my friends parents that I am going to marry a carpenter and move to Vermont and have five children, I believe that I can make it happen. But maybe he will be some other thing that isn’t a carpenter and maybe I will have less kids than that but WOOOO let’s all move to Vermont ’cause it’s the best.
Aw yay thank you!
AND YES I TOO LOVE SEEING COCO POP UP ON SVU.
Seriously! It’s so hard to retrain the brain to the simple common sense that negative outcomes are not statistically more likely that positive.
I’ve only commented once or twice, I found your blog via wut. I have to say that this post was amazing, I’m not saying I can take on board the advice, as I’m terrified. I just love the variety of posts you have on here, they’re insightful, you dig deep.
Life is about embracing our flaws and making our brief sojourn on this planet better for ourselves and the people around us. It took me a while to get this, I’m still working on it but this post gave me a positive boost, THANK YOU
No, thank YOU! I do hope you’ll stick around. xoxo
Holy shit. This just resonated with me so intensely. God, I love you. Especially at this point of my life, getting ready to finish my college career, this was just what I needed to hear.
That warms my heart. Thank you!!!