A long ass time ago I said I would interview the 1,000th person to “like” me on on Facebook and I did and then I forgot to post it because I’m an asshole. Congrats to Hillary for being my 1,000th like and to Matthew for being my superfan. I interviewed them both. They’re hilarious. Thank God. I mean, of course they are!!! Why wouldn’t they be??
1. Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?
M: Well, obviously. I also often feel like one that is drifting through the wind. Wanting to start again.
H: Totally. Actually, not totally. Partially. Actually, I feel kind of like a paper bag sometimes. Like, a paper bag can’t really drift through the wind, but it can definitely roll around on the ground while it tries to make it’s way to some new life experience. Also, “Paper Bag” is my fave Fiona Apple song. Yes, Fiona Apple is still relevant to me.
2. How did you find my blog?
M: Well you see, I know this poet person (she tweets like a tweet god @fartmaster5000, that’s not her real name. lol) and she posted a video of yours on her Tumblr, “How To Get Over A Break Up”, which is still my favorite video of yours. For a while, I only watched your videos and LOVED them. Then, I eventually found and read your blog religiously and told ALL my friends about you and your loveliness.
H: If I’m remembering correctly, I found your blog through Filleosophy. I believe it was when you gals did that advice formspring thingy. Then I proceeded to read every single one of your entries. You think I’m joking? Is Mick Jagger your real dad? Yes.
3. What do you order at Starbucks?
M: Tall Carmel Macchiato, because life is sweet!
H: Starbucks is so intimidating! It’s like going to a foreign country where you don’t speak the language and the locals aren’t very friendly. I’ve only been once, and that was for a meeting with my boss. I didn’t order anything. Instead, I sat there clinging to my purse for dear life and making note of all the exits. What in the hell is a venti? Sounds like a type of car to me.
4. What is your dream job? (It doesn’t have to exist!)
M: At times, being homeless in New York seems like it would be my dream “job”. I actually plan on attending film school, so I guess my dream job would be a film directing job. Or, you know, being a bum on the street. I’ll take what I can get.
H: This is really tough because I think I’d be content with doing nothing my entire life. Literally. I could sit and do nothing forever. BUT that is no way to live, so I think my dream job would have to be a professional people watcher. Is that creepy? I don’t mean it to be. I just want to go all over the world and observe. I don’t need interaction, just observation. Is that creepy? I think it probably is. Whatever, this is my dream and you’re all living in it.
5. Someone is visiting your city/town. Tell them where to go and what to wear and what NOT to do.
M: Hahaha! Well, I live in this little town called Paulding, Ohio. I think the population is around 8,000. So, as you might expect, fashion and culture isn’t exactly busting from every corner. I guess I would tell them to go to the nearest exit, wear whatever you please, and to NEVER come back again??
H: Welcome to Raleigh, North Carolina! We have something for everyone in this fair city! Would you like to go to a place where all the dudes are named ‘Trip’ and wear Callaway visors? Natty Greene’s, it is. How bout a bar full of flannel-clad men with beards and Buddy Holly glasses? Raleigh Times, it is. Better yet, want to go somewhere where you can drink three Long Island Iced Teas and ask the D.J.(multiple times) to play “Diva” by Beyonce and can he turn the fog machine on pleazzzz? Downtown Sports Bar, baby. (Yeah, I did that once. I love Beyonce. And fog). What to wear? Stick to skinny jeans, a tank top, and heels (or black flats, if you’re me). If it’s cold, throw on a blazer. I’ve also seen lots of girls wearing fur vests lately. I used to want one until I saw that lots of girls are wearing them lately. What NOT to do? There’s nothing you can’t do! Just like NYC. I will say this, though: don’t be from any other state besides North Carolina. I’m pretty sure smuggling cocaine into the country is easier than getting into a bar with a Virginia license. You think this i.d. with the pretty dogwood flower background is a fake, man? OKAY. WHATEVER. This thing has RAISED PRINT, dude.
Follow Hillary here and read her blog here. Follow Matthew here.
Raleigh represent! You also shouldn’t sit near a window in Raleigh, because people keep driving their cars into restaurants. I’m not sure what that’s about.
lol whut? Please tell me more.
City of Oaks! I’m out of the loop on this car thing, though.
Hillary, we drunkenly sang to to “Paper Bag” on New Years. FIONA APPLE IS ALIVE AND WELL IN THE MIDWEST, like most things from the ’90s.
Also add me to the list of singing drunkenly to “Paper Bag.” Have you seen the video?
YOU ARE MY PEOPLE.
not that you asked me, but i always feel like a plastic bag. means i’m deep and artistic. 😉
Hillary speaks the truth about out of state IDs and Raleigh bars! I once was brought into the back room where I guy examined my ID for LITERALLY 15 minutes. I tried to be helpful and tell him that the easiest way to find out if a NY ID is real is to bend it until the sides touch and make sure it doesn’t crease. He looked at me and said, “I know, I used to be a bouncer in New York.” I just wanted to scream, “THEN WHY DON’T YOU KNOW WHAT A REAL NEW YORK ID LOOKS LIKE?!?!” While I was sequestered in this back room, my boyfriend and my friend from home just had to stand around awkwardly. Fun times.
PS: <3 Fiona Apple
When I lived in NYC I guess this guy had never seen a CA ID before and he looked at it forever and determined it was fake. It was NOT. And if he took it I would have been screwed because I had a flight coming up. I begged him to look at my friend’s CA ID for comparison. I think he finally gave in because I was visibly furious.
I’m loving the shout out to Virginia IDs. Every time I’ve gone into a bar outside of the states the bouncer examines it for at least five minutes which is usually followed up with a happy squeak “cool! it’s a hologram!”. I no longer fear bouncers.
Hologram?? Like a Will.i.Am hologram???
I’m from Australia. You should interview me.
heart Matthew.
Me too, anon. Me too.