Which guy are you?

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I’ve dated a lot of gentlemen and scoundrels, and I’ve come up with a list of strangely specific types of guys that surprisingly apply to everyone. Or almost everyone. Here are some of the guys I’ve dated. Ladies, can you relate? And sirs, read this and ask yourself: which guy am I? And yes, some guys can be a combination of these.

 

The Classic Schmosby

Named after the character of Ted Mosby on “How I Met Your Mother” this is the guy who says, “I love you” on the first or second date. Most of the time, this is a stupid thing to do, because you’re draping a blanket weaved of awkward and creepy over your date. There are exceptions, yes. But do not think you are one of them.

 

The Sad Seinfeld

This is the guy who is a standup comedian/improv performer/comedy writer/all of those who thinks that this date is about making you laugh. At first, his observations seem witty and well placed, but a few hours later you realize you want to punch him right in the dick.

 

The Romney

This guy lies/exaggerates about everything, is unsure why you’re not honored by his presence, and despite having way more money than you will ever see, will go out of his way to make sure you split the bill or pay for all of it.

 

The Bro

This type of guy thinks he is still college, or maybe actually is (but a big university, not a liberal arts college). He made no plans for your evening aside from playing video games with his roommate. If you don’t want to do that, he’s totally up for making out in his car. But he has to move the car after an hour or he’ll get towed, because he didn’t want to pay for a parking space. Also his car smells like Doritos. But there are no Doritos in the car.

 

The L.A. Douche

Thinks he’s famous. Thinks he’s attractive. Thinks you need to know. Thinks you are going to have sex with him. Think he’ll be surprised.

 

The Guy Who Gives You Oral Sex Through Your Jeans

True story. What the fuck are you doing, guy? Is this really how you think it works? Or do you think you’re so good at it that denim stands no chance against your Jedi skills? I was so puzzled, I didn’t know what to do. It’s like suddenly, someone asked me to do calculus. Just, no idea. Not even sure where to begin.

 

Okay, your turn. Maybe I’ll make a part two.

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18 thoughts on “Which guy are you?

  1. Whitney

    I have encountered every last one of these. Well, except the oral Jedi. But I’ve certainly had my share of dudes who pull some kooky sexual stunt, where I’m like, “is this a test? Should I laugh at you, or just allow you to chafe your tongue on my zipper?”

  2. Whitney

    Right?

    This fellow sounds more like an Oral Padawan, though, if you will. Whereas a true master, like Yoda ,would be ALL UP INS and you’d be all immediately in love and shit.

  3. sofia

    Oh, I married the bro… at least now he’s over the college fase and we live together… so that leaves the Doritos smell and the no plans for every evening!

  4. Dan

    I’d start off with being Sad Seinfeld, border Romney, and try and side step the inadvertant LA douchery by pulling a Schmoseby and end up alone in a car smelling of off brand Deritos :’now with more shame!’. Not sure how I’d factor in trying to break physics with my tounge just yet.

  5. Tony Archer

    I’ve totally told a girl I loved her on the first date before. But in all fairness it was just to get my mouth on that sweet sweet denim.

  6. Project 305

    This totally lacks the Pitbull Clone.

    The Pitbull Clone is an unholy amalgamation of the Romney, the Bro, and the LA Douche. The Pitbull Clone has a lot of money, but it’s money he either hasn’t earned himself (yay rich immigrant parents!) or money he doesn’t actually have. He’ll try to impress you with his charming Latin demeanor and try to smooth-talk his way into your pants, all while wearing a cheap silk shirt opened to the third button and enough Jovan Musk to drown a housecat. He can be seen at the club on the weekends or at the beach wearing Speedos. He drives a BMW 3 series, still lives with his parents in an affluent immigrant neighborhood, and although he looks/acts/thinks like he’s in his early 20’s, he’s actually in his late 20’s/early 30’s. He’ll frequently call you “mami” and sprinkle his lingo with random Spanish psychobabble like “oye que rico meng.” He’ll let everyone know how important he is by pretending to be a drug dealer life-of-the-party type and will always be boastful of his lifestyle (although he’s really spending money that isn’t his).

    Be glad you don’t have these in Los Angeles, Almie.

  7. Matt

    Anything to describe the guy who is just normal (well, doesn’t do / able to relate to any of that crazy shit), casual and a little shy/nervous? Tries his best to pick a nice place beforehand and then just rides it out, winging it? Mostly because he’s not actually well versed with the dating lark entirely because he hasn’t found the right person to actually do that with in the first place – and then ends with a nice and easy goodbye? – that’s me!

  8. Pam

    Totally gave me a good chuckle. I went out with the Facecrusher–a guy who crushed my face so hard against his while making out I honestly thought I was going to need craniofacial surgery! He also tried stimulating me through my jeans…like you said, what are you doing, guy?

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