Why Are You So Ugly?

This is probably backwards thinking on my part but what really upsets me is when an ex’s current girlfriend/fling is less attractive than I am. If she’s more attractive then I can think, “Eh, whatever” but if she’s ugly then I think, “Holy shit, then what was I? I thought I was reasonably good looking but look at what you’re dating now. Girl looks like Dudley Moore with boobs.”

I’ll own up to the fact that this is mean but it’s not like I ever tell my ex, “Hey you’re dating Nick Nolte’s mugshot.” I keep it to myself. Well, myself and the internet. But it’s not like I name names or post photos. I would never do that. That’s way harsh, Tai.

Or sometimes I’ll be dating someone and I’ll check their facebook profile and I’ll see photos of them with previous girlfriends and I’ll just be shocked by the homeliness of it all. It’s like they’re dating Jennifer Aniston but without the hot body. And it worries me. Why are they dating me? And is the person that I’m dating not really as attractive as I think they are? Because don’t hot people typically date other hot people?

I know, it shouldn’t matter. But this is who I am. Looks are important to me. I can’t date someone if I’m not physically attracted to them. I just can’t. Everyone has a certain type or two that they really dig. So If I dig a skinny awkward/cute type then chances are he digs girls with Zooey Deschanel haircuts. So imagine how alarming it would be if his ex looked like a Great Depression-era farmer.

Imagine that you’re at a party and there’s a glass bowl of champagne punch. It looks beautiful and it probably tastes great. But then someone plunks down a plate of half eaten baloney sandwiches on a tray cluttered with dirty napkins and chewed gum beside it. Are you still going to be as inclined to drink the punch? No. It’s like, why don’t you just poison the goddamn punch. Even if you tasted the punch and it was delicious, you’re going to start to wonder what kind of person throws a party where they allow rubbish on the buffet table.

I don’t think people should date under their hotness level. Look at Fred Armisen and Elizabeth Moss. That’s a great couple. Now look at Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob. They divorced. And why? Because he’s way less attractive than she is. Now look at Brangelina. Your honor, I rest my case.

(Oh don’t even start with, “Well what about Hugh Jackman, his wife is pretty normal looking.” Hugh Jackman is gayer than a handbag full of rainbows.)

WHAT. I’M JUST SAYING.

In conclusion, do not send me hate mail, I’m no Michelle Pfeiffer circa “Scarface” and I know it, okay? I’m just being honest. That’s what this blog is about. Honesty. Or something I don’t really know what this blog is about. Ask your mom.

The Ugliest Girl In Town — The Paris Sisters
Lola — The Kinks
Icky Thump — The White Stripes

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8 thoughts on “Why Are You So Ugly?

  1. The Ajnabee

    Once I guy I was completely in love with ditched me to get back with his ex that he had left back home (I met him while we were both working abroad). Naturally I f’booked her. Face like a slapped arse.

    I hope they have a long, sexless marriage

  2. Leti

    I hear what you’re saying but as far as I’m concerned all exes should be ‘not that hot/pretty in a boring’ way but ‘very funny/smart’ and all future gfs should be ‘not that hot/pretty in a boring way ‘and ‘very undemanding and complacent’.

  3. Alena

    Oh gosh, I agree with this so much. It’s one of those ugly little things I think about but don’t tell anyone. On one hand, I always feel somehow a bit upset and worried that I am not really seeing what I look like in the mirror if a guy I was involved with was involved with less attractive girls. On the other hand, I would be a little horrified if someone left me for a total knockout. Either way, I loose!

  4. Alex

    i love this, and totally agree. i feel emotionally disturbed when i find out that someone i’m dating/sleeping with was with someone unattractive. i feel puzzled and sort of ill, and then wonder if my mirror lies to me about how i look. also, it opens up a whole freaky realm of possibility that he was attracted to this or that ugly girl, and then it’s like, whoa, i thought i only had to worry about him being seduced away by a beautiful damsel, but NOW i also have to worry about the fact that my guy clearly has no standards and will sleep with anything. not good for the self esteem, but great for the paranoia.

  5. Vi

    I get this. If you see evidence that they have, or have had, shit taste–how can you help but wonder if their being with you is further evidence of that same shit taste?

    But it ain’t. You’re the hottness. And clearly the outlier in their string of relationships–the fantastic chance to upgrade that they totally blew.

    At least, that’s what I tell myself about exes.

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