Do you really want to know something about a man? Ask him who his favorite muppet is. I’m serious. For months now I have been asking every guy I know who their favorite muppet is. The best part is that not one of them has asked me why. NOT ONE. People just love muppets! Anyone who doesn’t is a serial killer and/or rapist and you should get away from them as soon as possible and definitely NOT date them.

Here is your muppet man guide:

If they like Gonzo they are artsy. They probably live in Venice. They probably have facial hair. They probably enjoy bizarre, kinky sex.

Boys who choose Kermit are mellow and usually trustworthy. But in reality they probably just couldn’t think of another muppet and/or felt that they had to choose Kermit because they also play the guitar.

If they chose Miss Piggy they are probably gay.

Guys who like Animal are most likely fun social types who don’t necessarily have to play an instrument but aren’t necessarily not doing cocaine.

Those who chose any of the Fraggles are stoners and were probably watching Fraggle Rock when you asked them who their favorite muppet was, but were too stoned to appreciate the coincidence.

Fans of The Swedish Chef are into improv. This is also true if they chose Fozzie Bear, but are probably more into writing or stand-up than Improv.

If they chose Rowlf they are kind, goofy, and endearing. Good boyfriend material.

Statler and Waldorf, AKA The Old Dudes in the Balcony, are introspective types. They probably blog.

Out of all of the guys I asked, these were the muppets I heard about the most. If they chose any other muppets, one of the lesser known ones like Rizzo The Rat, then they are thoughtful, quirky and maybe even trying to get into your pants. The other possibility though is that they just really love The Muppets.