Category Archives: let’s hug it out

Let Me Get What I Want.

January 1st is bullshit. It does not exist! It only exists in your mind. By which I mean…DO NOT WAIT UNTIL JANUARY 1ST TO START YOUR RESOLUTIONS. INSTEAD, START THEM NOW, SO BY JANUARY 1st YOU’LL ALREADY BE OFF TO A GREAT START! Instead of saying, “I’d like to lose 10 pounds starting January” why not lose the 10 pounds before January so you can look banging on New Years Eve? (By the way, it’s not advisable to lose 10 pounds in a whisker under a month but if you want to I suggest cocaine. That’s what all the stars use! If you cannot afford cocaine then you can try caffeine. But no solids. Ever. Not until after January 1st, rockstar!)

But really. Don’t let Glamour magazine tell you to wait for the first. Or your teachers. Or the television with the Desperate Housewives and the Jello pudding. Do it now. Join me! It will be like a giant flashmob on the internet. But instead of reaching for dance moves we’ll be reaching for our goals. Or reaching for metaphors like I just did.

So tomorrow is December 5th. By January 5th, I want you all to complete something that’s important to you. Maybe it’s to come up with an awesome outfit for the Lady GaGa concert on the 22nd at the Nokia Theatre, but that’s totally not why my goal is, I mean that’s just silly, right? Yeah it’s not like I’m already getting ideas for makeup and hair, maybe even considering buying a bow wig on Ebay or trying to recreate her SNL outfit from when she was with Madonna. I AM TOTALLY NOT DOING THAT IN SAFARI RIGHT NOW. SHHHH. Dont’ tell anyone you guys. Let’s just keep it a secret between us and the internet.

Maybe your goal is something better than that (not that that’s what my goal is because it isn’t at all). Maybe you’re looking for a part time job. Or trying to pick a major. Or maybe you’re working on a screenplay. I don’t know! I don’t know what people do. I mean, I know what people do, because people are insufferable and love to talk about their jobs and when they do that my brain is all, “Psh, later dude” and floats out via my ears and I’m stuck watching a cartoon on loop, Homer Simpson-style. Then when they stop talking I’m forced to say something about myself so I wind up making some dumb joke because I hate being sincere and then they say to their friends that I’m a bitch with no feelings and that I try too hard. Then I go home and write about it in my journal and cry while listening to Morrissey. Then if it’s raining I lean my face against the rain and pretend like the raindrops are tears falling down my face. If it’s not raining I run the shower and get on the other side of the shower door and press my face against that. It’s called adapting to your surroundings.

But let’s do it together, you guys. Let’s be the Black Eyed Peas. You guys are Will.I.Am., Taboo…and the other dude. I’m Fergie. Together we’re going to wear diabolical outfits and sing songs that, according to my brother, sound like they should be in “High School Musical or some shit, can’t you picture Zach Efron singing to this? God I hate this song, change it.” Then I tell him to shut up because I’m the one driving. We can do this, together. Tell me what your goals are for the new year and fuck the new year because we’re doing it now. I GOTTA FEELING.

Then when 2010 comes we’ll be ahead of the game. I’ve always wanted to be ahead for once! My whole life I’ve been falling behind. Not this time, paper gangsters. This time I’m going to stop procrastinating and start getting everything I’ve ever wanted. It’s scary but it’s time. It’s time for all of us!

A Whole New World — Aladdin Soundtrack

P.S. After you download this (because I know you will, don’t even pretend you won’t) pretend it’s Morrissey singing it. Then realize it would be a fantastic song for him to cover and wonder why he hasn’t already.

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Someday.

Photobucket
Nadia Cassini, a very rad woman. I have once been told that I look like her. It was the highlight of my day, my week, my month, even my year.

I’ve got to believe that it’s going to get better. I need to, like Rod Stewart, find a reason to believe.

It’s not always going to be like this. There’s going to be a day when we know what we’re doing. There’s going to be a day when we’re dating someone who is not an asshole. There’s going to be a day when we are paid for doing something we love and are good at and make our parents proud. This day is coming and we need to believe this.

We need to cheer up somehow. We need to tell ourselves that it’s not so bad. We need to find friends and tell them that we need them. We need to go out and we need to make responsible decisions but we also need to have fun.

We need to eat well and stop gorging ourselves on rich cheeses. That is, I think we need to do this. We need to firmly and finally drop people from our lives who respond to our cries of help with, “Ask someone else.” We need to let people know that our time is valuable and that we deserve your attention and respect.

When our friends tell us that that guy is not a nice guy then we need to believe them. When people show us who they really are we need to believe them. We need to believe in ourselves that it will all work out. Maybe to help us we can believe that any choice we make is the right one, as long as we’re making it in a sane frame of mind.

Because we need to stop doubting ourselves. Hating ourselves. Pitying ourselves.

But if we can’t then we need to be OK somehow. Someday. And if all we can do is hope and believe then that’s what we’ll do. Because that’s something. That’s the first step towards something.

I have to believe that it’s going to get better.

Someday — The Strokes

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Friends.

Friendship is very important these days. What with technology being what it is we can stay connected in ways never thought possible. Are you following your friends on twitter? Are they following you? That’s the kicker, isn’t it, when a friend isn’t following you on twitter? That’s when you need to re-evaluate your friendship.

But how does one determine who is a true friend in this crazy twitterverse we’re all facebooking in? Don’t worry, guys. I’m going to help. A true friend will…:

…High five you when you least expect it.
…Treat you to coffee or dinner every now and then because they know that you’ll pick it up the next time. A true friend will never say, when the bill comes, “OMG I just realized that I’m completely overdrawn from the bank LOL I’m so dumb sorry!!”
…Never say “OMG” or “LOL” in public. That’s just…awful.
…Go see that dumb movie that you really want to see because no one else will see it with you and you don’t feel like going alone because what if you run into Drew Barrymore? Do you really want Drew Barrymore to know what a loser you are? Look at how many friends she has. Really tall famous friends. Gosh, Drew Barrymore you’re so fun!
…Let you vent on the phone for an hour about that idiot who cut you off on the freeway or the boss who made you run a seemingly meaningless task or the boy who didn’t call you back.
…Accept you for your insecurities and even try to understand them.
…Root for you always, even if they’re a little bit jealous.

A true friend will not:

… Steal your burrito.
…Hit on the guy that you like if she/he knows that you like him.
…Run over your family.
…Poison your latte.
…And then hide the antidote.
…Burn down the Getty Center.
…Laugh at you when you say something dumb, like when you’re singing to “Man In The Mirror” and you earnestly sing, “They follow each other on a window seat” because you think those are the lyrics.
…OK well they can laugh at that, because that’s kind of funny, but it should be a loving laugh, not a mean laugh.
…”Forget” to invite you.
…Tell you that you’re anything less than what you are. You are wonderful.
…”Lose” your stuff.
…Let money ruin your friendship.
…Talk about you behind your back, unless it’s really complimentary shit, like, “Almie would hate anyone to know this but she keeps Moet et Chandon in a pretty cabinet, is well-versed in etiquette and extraordinarily nice.”

Me with my dear friend Erik from my Andy Warhol themed birthday party in 2005.

But what do you do if you realize that you have one of those dreaded “poison friends”? Those friends that are pure poison to you and your life? Those who weigh you down like an anvil and you’re Wile E. Coyote? Or maybe in that case they’re the Roadrunner and they’re trying to blow you up (and I think I’m mixing metaphors here)?

You need to cut them out of your life. You NEED to. I know, I know, the idea of being home alone on a Saturday night or with no one to text when you’re feeling awkward in public and need to text someone is scary. But you’re BETTER OFF WITHOUT. Life can be hard enough without surrounding yourself with people who don’t believe in you! You owe it to yourself. You are the best friend you could have, true, but you’re going to need someone else when you get sick of yourself. That’s what your secondary best friend is for! And it’s OK if you DON’T have a “best friend” — some people have lots of friends as opposed to one they single out — IT’S OK! Just don’t waste your time with people who drag you down because you’re too good for that shit. Remember, YOU leave YOU decide.

This photo has NOTHING to do with ANYTHING.

Now get out there, turn the world on with your smile, and find your Rhoda! Or your Mary. IT’S OK TO BE RHODA. RHODA WAS AWESOME AND SHE HAD HER OWN SHOW TOO. SO DON’T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT!

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