Dear comrades, it’s me, Uncle Almie, live in my apartment, and it looks like the Lion King spooky graveyard in here with just a touch of Hoarders. I fully admit that I completely suck at living alone, in the sense that I could be neater, I could be cleaner, I could be a lot more better to do good for me adult. I’m capable of being organized for other people. But for myself, I’m a mess. Let me break it down for you:

— Dishes. In the sink. On the counter. Everywhere. This is why I hate to cook. Because then I have to clean everything. I’m sure this is why lots of people hate to cook. I will let this shit sit for days. Then finally, I rationalize, “Look, you didn’t exercise today, and washing dishes burns calories, so just do it.” And yes, I have calculated how many calories I burn washing dishes. (It’s 53 calories for 26 minutes.)

— Laundry. At this point, I am giving away clothes because I can’t deal with having to put them in places and having to keep washing them. Oh, such problems, I know. I would rather throw everything away and just start over with 3 tee shirts, 5 dresses, and 1 pair of pants. I’m selling stuff. Mostly because I am stone cold broke, like a delicious milkshake, but the benefit is that it’s less clothes for me to wash.

— The fucking bathtub I hate you bathtub so much I can’t even, why don’t you drain, I’ve done everything for you, and why do you get dirty so quickly, why are you doing this to me, just drain, why won’t you just drain???

Really though the biggest issue is feeding myself. Some nights I completely surrender to Eat24, my favorite website in the world, and order in food. And I love them because we both hate having to wear pants. They make it their mission to keep you from having to put on pants in order to eat. I respect the hell out of that. My favorite thing to do is to eat a lot and then lie down. And they get that. Yes, I am a fangirl for a food delivery website. And I have no shame.

In fact, this post is brought to you by Eat24 and because we are all up in each others’ delicious love, they offering all Apocalypstick readers a coupon for a free appetizer or $5.00 off whatever you want! Just enter the code lypstick at checkout. For more info on coupons, click here.  *some strings attached. The code is one use per account and expires on 9/30 at midnight.

I’m cooking a lot more than I used to, but sometimes it’s nice to just go home, order in, and watch the original Law & Order series, back when Rob Lowe and Vanilla Ice were just it. Do you guys cook more or order out/eat out more?