How Am I Not Myself? Part 2.

My friend Chloe surprised me at work a few days ago (and it was a surprise to her, too; I don’t think she knew I was working that day. Also, don’t bother asking me where I work because I am not going to ever tell you, Internet.) I was standing in the corner, smelling our new lip glosses. They smell really good, okay? I hear someone call my name, and I turn and see a beautiful girl. I didn’t have my glasses on, so I didn’t know it was her. “Are you okay?” she asked me, coming up to me the way you would approach…well the way you would approach a sad-looking girl methodically sniffing lip gloss. We walked around the store, me pretending to help her. “You know, you don’t have to pretend,” she said. “Pretend to help you find something?” I asked. “No, you don’t have to pretend to be okay.”

It was such a release. I don’t have to pretend to be okay. I don’t have to laugh at something that I think I’m supposed to laugh at. I don’t have to be a happy person. I am the person who had a fucking diabolical summer and whose cat just died. But if I’m not supposed to pretend then what winds up happening is I let the depression overtake me and I watch “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” for something like the twelfth time only this time I thought Clementine was a bitch and this saddened me in ways I can’t even describe.

The day after that, I went to a friend’s birthday party. I thought I looked okay. I sat on the couch talking to a good friend of mine about hummus and other important things in life when the host saw me, stopped dead in his tracks and said, “Honey are you okay? You look absolutely miserable.”

Damn it. Now everyone’s looking at me. “My cat just died,” I said, thus officially taking on the role of Who Invited Her for the evening. Everyone was kind and sympathetic and told me about how they understood because they had to put their dogs down, and it just made me even more sad, thinking about a world where people are basically just waiting for that moment when they have to put down their dogs. I excused myself and went into the bathroom.

My face was pale, which is really saying something for me. I looked like Mick Jagger died, sat in the ground for a few years, then some sick people said, “Hey let’s dig up Mick Jagger and put him in a party dress” and did.

I spent yesterday in a fog. This morning I realized I bought red eyeshadow. I still approve of this purchase, I just don’t remember it happening. I also bought a giant ring and a rhinestone studded necklace of a cat. Yes, I am this person. This is me. Apocalypstick and Almie are at an impasse. I realize that I am now referring to myself not only in the third person, but as an alter ego. I understand if this makes you want to vomit.

And how was your weekend?

Ev’rybody Wants To Be A Cat — Psapp

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22 thoughts on “How Am I Not Myself? Part 2.

  1. yoche

    When my bird died when I was younger, my uncle came over and told me my budgie pinchito ‘went down the rainbow bridge to heaven’ and I remember thinking, ‘that is so fucking lame’ (I was a very bitter 10 year old) but it made me feel better.

    I think your friend was really smart telling you that its okay to not be okay. That’s probably one of the most sincere things I’ve heard in a long time. I know you’ll feel better! WWBBD?

  2. southern gal

    Ohhhh Almie. I just wanna give you the biggest hug ever. I think you should wallow in your sadness for a bit, but you are much too kick-ass to let it affect your looks. Not that you know me or that you should give a shit about my advice but I’ve been in some pretty horrible breakups and I’d like to think that I have some good remedies for getting out of the funk.
    1. Make yourself date but only go out with the guys once. Even if you like them, DO NOT GO OUT WITH THEM AGAIN. This will allow you to gain back the power that you lost in the previous relationship.
    2. Go buy at least 5 new outfits.
    3. Read about the love lives of Old Hollywood’s leading ladies – this will undoubtedly make you feel better.
    4. Make yourself workout everyday and make sure every song on your workout playlist is angry or anti-love.
    5. Make an “inspiration board.” This inspiration board should include everything you didn’t like about your ex and reasons why you aren’t good for each other. Hang the Ex Board prominently in your room!
    Hope this helps.
    Ps: You could never look like dead Mick Jagger.

  3. Rachel

    Hey Almie,
    I’m very sorry to hear about your cat, and I totally understand the impulse to buy a rhinestone studded cat necklace. When my dog had to be put to sleep I moped around for weeks. I eventually bought a locket and put a little pic of him in it. People always assume I have a picture of a boyfriend in that locket…and the reaction upon hearing it’s actually a dog has met with more strange looks then I care to count. But whatever. It made me feel a little bit better. So screw the haters. Good luck to you as you grieve the loss of your little fella.

  4. mackie

    I know it may not help, but I was completely devastated when my cat died. Even now, I sometime think about him and get sad because he was my baby as I’m sure Sony was for you. So it’s ok to feel sad just how your friend said. Just try to remember that you gave him all the love and care that you could possibly give and the reason you hurt so much is because he meant that much to you and didn’t want him to die without maybe saying bye and having the option of putting him down.

  5. d

    In bag timing akin to your own, I have noticed my 9-year-old lhasa apso Madison (aka Maddy, aka Maddy-Moo) suffering from laborious and noisy breathing. Both the local vet and myself suspect the early onset of congestive heart failure. Having lost one dog to this before I have to make the decision to put her to sleep now instead of letting her live longer and suffer from breathing complications.

    All week I’ve been looking at her with sad eyes and a heavy heart. The gravity of the situation is overwhelming and I feel immense weight upon my shoulders.

    With that said, I think it is fair of me to say that I feel your pain and send you the warmest of hugs all the way from deep in the heart of Texas.

    d

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      Oh d I am so so so sorry. That is really difficult. My thoughts go out to you and Madison.

  6. Amy

    Oh chica, after reading your post yesterday I went home to my two cats and smothered them with affection….I smooshed their little faces and gave them cat massages and talked to them in nonsensical terms about life, and wisdom of good whiskey. They put up with my neediness while I played a few Donny Hathaway songs for them and they purred me to sleep. I know that much in life is not certain, but I am constantly grateful for their small (in stature, not value) presence in my life; I am sure Sonny was happy to be the light of yours…xo

  7. K

    I’m sorry about your cat, love.

    I’m kinda feeling the same as you at the moment… meh. I was in a fairly important meeting on Sunday morning (which is a working day here 🙁 ) for a research project and i thought i looked fine, until the guy I was interviewing said ‘I would like to request you to not die in my office, please. It would not look good if the papers found out that a foreigner had dropped down dead here’. Charming.

    By the way you are famous in Nepal now.. your post ‘stop hitting on me’ was syndicated on the youth page in Republica, one of the national daily papers here. There are a bunch of us girls over here that read your blog. we like you. Come visit us.

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      Famous in Nepal?? That’s awesome!! I should get that on a t-shirt!!

      I would love to see the article…is there a website? Could you take a picture of it?

      And wow what a cutting comment, that guy must have been British, am I right?

      1. K

        i will send you an email with a photo, Almie 🙂

        The guy was actually Nepali, not British actually (although that would have been a pretty classic british comment!)

  8. Tori

    i’m so sorry about everything. 🙁 i think you should be totally self-indulgent with yourself and do (drink/wear/buy/mug) whatever you want to. never forget how fabulous you are, though! i mean look at the comment above…you’re famous in Nepal?!?!?

  9. Toni

    i love that song and have been looking for it for ages~ and i love your blog so much.
    and i thought clementine was a bitch too. xD;

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