It’s Not TV. | APOCALYPSTICK

You may have noticed that I haven’t posted about myself in a while. I’ve mentioned that a lot has happened in my life recently. I’m not going to get into all of it, but I’ll tell you this. I am going to move out with another single gal and we’re going to live together in a cute little house here in LA!

The other single gal is my mom.

Yes. I never, ever saw this coming. My mom and I are two single roomies. My friends say it sounds like a network sitcom but I think it’s more like a Showtime dramedy. Who would play me? You know that teen from Californiation, the one Duchovny effed? “Mia”? My mom thinks we look alike. She could play me. Shannen Doherty is too old now to play me now. I’d like Kat Dennings but she just got a show. So did the girl who played Janis Ian in Mean Girls and the indie girl in Cloverfield. When I was younger and blonder, right around when Lost In Translation came out, people told me I looked a lot like “that girl from that Bill Murray movie.” But then I guess I got uglier. Or maybe she just changed a lot. No one looks like me. I look like no one. This is a good thing but I don’t want to play myself in this show. I don’t even want to play it in real life. However I will take any offers and/or suggestions.

Suzanne Somers would be a great person to play my mom except she’s a little too old. Lauren Graham would be good, as we already have that Gilmore Girls vibe going, but that seems overdone with her now. I kind of want Lisa Kudrow, she would be good. She doesn’t look like my mom though. Ali MacGraw does, but my mom thinks that’s an insult (I have no idea WHY, MacGraw is stunning but O OK mom), and now MacGraw is too old anyway. If we’re going to do the sitcom route, it could be Jessica Simpson. That would be hilariawesome. But OK, sticking with the Showtime pitch that I do not have, I should suggest someone more like…Angie Harmon. But blonde.

I already wrote a pilot based on my blog but I’m wondering if I should go in a different direction. This mother/daughter thing might be worth looking into. There’s Gilmore Girls and Golden Girls, but are there any other good mother/daughter shows? And wtf, what is with adding “girls” to everything? Spice Girls. None of those women were girls. Backstreet Boys, Beach Boys, New Kids On The Block — your problem was not thinking of your future and injecting your band name with an idea of eternal youth that doesn’t hold up. The Rolling Lads? Yeah, no. Although The Beatles are my favorite band ever, I think that The Beatles is the worst band name ever. At least they didn’t go with “The Shoes.” Lennon suggested that name because he said the name didn’t matter, they could be anything. OH WOW, SO DEEP.

I kind of get what he means though. You could cast anybody as me or my mom and you could turn my life into any kind of show, and it would be different, but it would still be the same at the core. It wouldn’t matter because it’s from the same place, the same us, the same truth.

MONEY.

Find It — The Carrie Nations (Beyond The Valley Of The Dolls)

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19 thoughts on “It’s Not TV.”

Rahul February 25, 2011 at 3:49 pm

I’ve already got the name.

Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper.

I’ll e-mail you my address for royalties.

Almie Rose Post authorFebruary 25, 2011 at 4:17 pm

I don’t get the joke. I know, I’m disappointed in myself.

Meg February 25, 2011 at 10:39 pm

When can we see that pilot????

Almie Rose Post authorFebruary 25, 2011 at 11:00 pm

Ask God.

Or Showtime.

Or any network.

Or my mom.

TheYellowSlant February 26, 2011 at 4:39 am

Wait, this is even up for discussion?

You would totally be played by Anne Hathaway.

Almie Rose Post authorFebruary 26, 2011 at 11:00 am

Really?? I totally don’t see it!
1. Andrew February 28, 2011 at 1:41 am
  
  I see it too!
  1. Almie Rose Post authorFebruary 28, 2011 at 11:28 am
    
    Where? HOW?
    1. beatrice February 28, 2011 at 1:26 pm
      
      What about Lourdes Leon?
      
      Don’t tell me you don’t see this–http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/02/28/madonna-lourdes-leon-hit-_n_829098.html?ir=Entertainment
      1. Almie Rose Post authorFebruary 28, 2011 at 1:29 pm
        
        WHOA WHEN DID SHE GROW UP???
        
        And Madonna…oh, dear.

Rainer Wolfcastle February 26, 2011 at 11:36 am

My nightmare is that one day you get Dragon NaturallySpeaking. You are no longer limited by how fast you can type, and within weeks you fill up the entire internet and there’s no room for anyone else to post anything.

Just kidding, I love your stream-of-consciousness style. I wish you and your mom luck with the whole not killing one another thing.

BTW, tell your mom she’s crazy; Ali McGraw *is* stunning.

Almie Rose Post authorFebruary 26, 2011 at 11:37 am

All I have to say to this is, the goggles. They do nothing.

J February 26, 2011 at 4:14 pm

Wouldn’t it be hilarious if Ellen Page played you?

Almie Rose Post authorFebruary 28, 2011 at 11:29 am

Yes. Ultimate.

d February 28, 2011 at 10:00 am

Kat Denning, indeed.

Almie Rose Post authorFebruary 28, 2011 at 1:34 pm

Is this sarcasm?

Shannon March 1, 2011 at 11:42 am

Oh dear, you do not look like Mia from Californication! Did you know she was the little girl in The Nanny? Her face is far too droopy, but I’m biased because I want her dead (I get pretty involved with my TV characters).