Mens’ clothing choices.

the prisonerA few posts ago I talked about womens’ clothing trends and my opinions (I pretty much hate everything.) Let’s talk about men this time. Some men make the following looks work. Some. But I even urge those lucky few to switch it up.

Gentlemen. Please explain this to me. Why do you wear these things?

Skinny jeans. Yeah, I said it. Skinny jeans are played out. I cannot even handle them anymore. I used to be the biggest skinny jean supporter. But then everyone started wearing them. And now everyone looks stupid. Especially when you tuck your shirt into them. What the hell are you thinking. You are not Freddie Mercury. You are not one of the 1960s Rolling Stones. But God knows you’re trying. Stop it. Just stop it. You may want to have children one day.

Boat shoes. One day I looked down and realized that all guys my age were wearing my dad’s exact pair of shoes. Do you want to kill a lady boner? Wear her dad’s shoes.

Shorts at an awkward length. Are these capris? Are you going for an Audrey Hepurn Funny Face look? What the hell are you doing? Either wear shorts or pants but don’t wear pants that suddenly change their mind and become shorts. You look like a penguin.

Mustaches. I think you shouldn’t wear a mustache unless you’re over 40. Especially one that looks like a prop for your pirate costume. Again, stop ruining Freddie Mercury’s memory. He doesn’t deserve this.

V-neck shirts. Let me explain this one. Some V-neck shirts are fine. It’s when you get really, really low cut that I start to have problems. I don’t need to see all that. I feel like I walked in on you midway through getting dressed. Wear a dickie if you have to.

The Napoleon Dynamite look. You know what I mean? Comically large glasses, an ironic tee shirt, colorful slacks. There are people who actually dress this way because God love them they don’t know better. You know better. And when you know better, you do better. Stop fucking around.

Suspenders. The first few guys who did this were admired; the rest of you should be ashamed.

Bow ties with short sleeved shirts. My eyes.

Fedoras. I might be able to excuse this if you’re wearing a suit. Might be. Then I get the whole Frank Sinatra/Don Draper vibe. But never with jeans. Hot tip: once Justin Timberlake wears something you need to accept that it’s over.

Unkempt beards. Cat Stevens did it, you’re not Cat Stevens, trim that shit.

Cuffed jeans. Cuffed jeans are only acceptable if you are wading in the ocean. Otherwise, un-cuff your goddamn pants.

 

What style trends for men bother you? Do you agree or disagree with my choices? Holla at me.

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37 thoughts on “Mens’ clothing choices.

  1. Brigette

    agree, agree, agree!!! especially the mustaches and bow ties. i don’t get it, my guy and i went out last nite and every time we saw a guy in our age group we were like “what the hell is he thinking, these guys look like they’re dressed for a horrible mascarade party, where everyone is inspired by miners, pirates, and freddie mercury.”

  2. Luda

    This is generally just a blog post describing the horrendous style of all hipsters, right? Or am I missing something?

      1. Tony Archer

        More people should use this phrase in every day conversation. That and “Smell ya later”.

        1. Almie Rose Post author

          Yes.

          PS. Just so everyone knows, Tony is not a drunk hobo sitting in an Internet cafe.

          1. Tony Archer

            This would have been much more useful attached to the huge comment where I actually WAS drunk and talking about body issues, but I’ll take what I can get!

  3. Rachel

    You are completely right about all of this. I’ve been seeing so many Napoleon Dynamite look-a-likes and moustaches lately and I’m just like no one will ever want to have relations with you if you go out dressed like that, or even look at you. I love how you included awkward length shorts. I’ve ben wondering about these my whole life.

  4. Sasha Lane

    I was talking about this today – weird. Anyway, I’m into the skinny, cuffed Jean look! As well as the suspenders. What should a guy wear then?

    Anyway, how about the sweater tied around their shoulder? Dude, no.

  5. Tony Archer

    Could you also add bandanas of all sorts to this list? Around the neck, tied to your arm, I don’t fucking care. If it’s not being used to put pressure on a wound or to rob a bank, you look like a fucking idiot. (Ascots and scarves have mildly looser rules due mostly to my love of Freddie from Scooby Doo. )

  6. Mary

    For the most part you definitely have my support but I will definitely support a dude in boat shoes and cuffed jeans, so many hot men climbing rocks in once cuffed jeans.

  7. Simone

    There is only one thing worse than these individual looks: when guys manage to combine ALL OF THEM INTO ONE OUTFIT aka, 90% of the dudes who hang out at the coffee shop near my house.

    The mustache is definitely the most perplexing to me. There are way too many guys in my age bracket that are now rocking the creepy- “oh so ironic” -could-be-mistaken-for-pedophile-mustache. I don’t get it! Do women find this attractive? Because I don’t.

    Another current male fashion pet peeve: the shorts that are not only an awkward length but that look like they been hacked off with a toe-nail clipper. It’s starting to get to the point where I’m honestly surprised and turned on to see a guy wearing properly hemmed pants or shorts…and that’s just wrong.

  8. CJ

    I agree with everything you have listed here. Why are all the dudes dressing like our fathers did in the 70s? It’s like having sex… oh, God. I won’t even finish that sentence.

  9. Betsey

    Suspenders + Skinny Jeans = What The Fuck? Hurting my brain.
    Skinny jeans are generally tight, so why are you wearing suspenders? They’re not holding up anything.

    Also, guys in v-necks who wear a million necklaces. Leave the accessorizing to the women.

  10. stephanie

    BOAT SHOES. I hate them! So much! Girls were wearing them with running shorts in Austin and now boys have picked up on them too. I die a little inside.

  11. Matthew Meriwether

    V-necks, fedoras, bow ties, and suspenders are from the devil. It’s like everyone wants to dress like Larry King.

  12. Julia

    I am happy, nay, overjoyed that you mentioned mustaches, as I was just thinking about this epidemic just the other day. At first when guys started growing mustaches I thought, “Hahoho, that sure is funny, and I even sort of like it a little bit. A guy that grows a mustache must have a good sense of humor, ergo, I like him and may even want to kiss him.” Then about 2 months went by and I realized that guys that grow mustaches actually have no sense of humor and are using their mustaches as a prop to appear clever. If you have to try to appear clever, chances are that you are not clever, and so should just stop it. Not being clever is not a crime, but pretending to be clever should be.

  13. Emma Aubry

    PREACH. I’m into boat shoes because I’m into preppy douchebags, but everything else on this list can peace the eff out. I’m glad you didn’t mention oversize hipster glasses specifically, though, because truth be told I find them kind of charming. But only the prescription kind. No falsies, ew. Gotta show me you can commit [to ridiculous glasses]. One more hipster boy look I still enjoy: (slightly!) rolled cuffs (no man-pris!) with fun socks peeking out. And a pair of rockin’ oxfords. I think I’m just partial because I have a male co-worker with exceptional style who nails this look on a regular basis. But this guy also bought the same pair of drop-crotch tribal harem pants from H&M as me, so I mean. Like. Yeah.

    I also really hate looking at dude feet. No flip-flops. No Birks. Even Toms feel like an overshare to me. Put it away, right next to your upper thighs and hairless chest. I like my men to dress like men.

    Basically, anyone who is intense about their “look” is a huge turn-off. It’s fine for a guy to be well-dressed, but I want their style to be simple and organic. I get really creeped out when straight men are interested in fashion. Ironic? I just feel like there’s only room for one high-maintenance person in a relationship.

    Oh and if you’re looking for a foolproof formula to make me swoon: stubble
    + flannel = is there ANY more perfect combination? I’ve found myself checking out totally unattractive guys with this look. Gets me every time.

    1. Matthew Meriwether

      I agree with you Emma! Rolled cuffs and striped socks with oxfords are a great combination. And horn-rimmed glasses are charming.

  14. Sarah

    It’s such a fine line, though, isn’t it? I mean, I hate it when guys put too much thought into their looks, too many accessories, too much grooming, because I want to be the one who primps. And he can be the one who just sticks to some classic staples and is ready to go in 5 minutes.

    But then when they go the other way, with no grooming (unkempt beards, filthy vintage tees or flannel, etc.), well that’s pretty annoying/gross, as well.

    Though it does provide a fun people-watching game: Hipster or Homeless?

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      It is a fine line but when it comes down to it, I just want guys who wear pants that fit properly. Gentlemen, really, that’s enough for us.

  15. Mal

    I don’t know man, i’m gonna go ahead and defend the v-neck. I like a little spicy chest hair creeping up there, like some sort of extension of the happy trail…

    just kidding, vomit. i do like a shallow v though. they might be my favorite shirts on guys.

    i would like to add (primarily to garner sympathy) that the guy i’m seeing now is from L.A. and therefore thinks it’s cool to wear these odd capri kind of work-out shorts (or pants? or shpants??) while we’re hangin’ out watching the boob tube. i started off being thankful that he did not subsequently don these in public, but i am a person. and you really shouldn’t even be wearing those in the privacy of your own home, within view of mirrors and the shunning eyes of God.

      1. Kaitlin

        Almie!!! i mean, maybe i’m not picturing it right. give me a visual of what you like? you know i love you. i hope you know who i am at this point. maybe you don’t- but i HOPE! anyways, not trying to diss but i am very confused about what type of male is left after you take away ALL of these trends.

  16. Ally

    i agree with everything except suspenders, only because these things are classic and people can where them whenever they want. there are some boys around town sporting some suspenders and they still look cute to me. especially if they actually farm or something, ya hot boys who farm, doubt their are to many around l.a. though you are right a few years ago when that adorable boy with the gap in his teeth and suspenders took me into his arms for the best one night stand of my life i was a little more into it. he was a model to so that probably helped the whole situation. but oh man any dood with 1920’s-30’s vibes going on is going to look good to me. suspenders…
    to be fair to the hipster boys, though lost and having a hard time knowing what style actually is, at least they do something. at least they somewhat think about clothing, i think they think chicks dig it or what not. which is kind of sweet so don’t be a snobby bitch to them girls, they just don’t know how to do it yet. and dear god lets hope they dont let their girlfriends dress them, its like a boy turning into a poodle instead of a man.

  17. Amy

    Late to the party, but the new evil scourge of men’s jeans are ones with ELASTICATED ANKLES…. They’re freakin’ everywhere in the UK and Europe, and they are the male equivalent of harem pants. Beware….

  18. Alley G.

    A bit late to reply, but I think it’s never too late to aboard the “Burn the skinny jeans” train. Seriously. Burn them. BURN THEM ALL!!!

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