Television Boyfriends.

The Pros and Cons of TV’s Best Boyfriends
In No Particular Order

“Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover.” — Homer Simpson

Aiden Shaw, “Sex and the City”
Pros: Forgiving, thoughtful, caring, can make you a bench or chair.
Cons: Will clutter your bathroom with various Speed Sticks (they have different smells).

Ted Mosby, “How I Met Your Mother”
Pros: Wants to get married. Is romantic, kind, and sweet. Kind of looks like a young John Cusack.
Cons: Tells corny jokes and takes a really, really long time to tell a story.

Jim Halpert, “The Office”
Pros: The perfect balance of geeky and cute, really good at pining for people, height.
Cons: Lets the smallest amount of power go to his head.

Bill Compton, “True Blood”
Pros: Is a gentleman, probably knows how to do the Lindy Hop, believes that chivalry is not dead even though he is.
Cons: Kind of possessive, is easily captured, will at some point be mistaken for your son as he never ages, can’t stay in sunlight without bursting into flames, is probably a drag at dinner parties, and he might eat you if he’s really hungry.

Dawson Leery, “Dawson’s Creek”
Pros: Will wait for you forever.
Cons: Cry

Pacey Witter, “Dawson’s Creek”
Pros: Scrappy and sarcastic with a sexy smirk.
Cons: Overuses SAT words and dresses like Kramer.

Don Draper, “Mad Men”
Pros: Is a successful executive and partner of an ad agency. If you act emotionally detached, will propose to you after knowing you for ten weeks.
Cons: Is a successful executive and partner of an ad agency. If you act emotionally detached, will propose to you after knowing you for ten weeks.

Dylan McKay, “Beverly Hills, 90210”
Pros: Classic bad boy but without a crippling drug habit, rich, is sensitive deep down, and owns a lot of sharp looking dusters and overcoats.
Cons: Will disappear for weeks/seasons at a time, has a bad temper, will hit on your best friend while you’re in Paris, and hard to pin down; as one imdb user puts it on the “Beverly Hills, 90210” message boards, “[His] house was located right on the border between Beverly Hills and Narnia.”

Michael Bluth, “Arrested Development”
Pros: Patient, quick-witted, looks good in a suit.
Cons: Him?

Jack Shephard, “Lost”
Pros: Takes a leadership role, is a doctor, handsome, and likes dogs.
Cons: Looks bad with a beard. Loves to crash planes into mysterious islands. Has daddy issues. Cries a lot. Is dead.

UPDATED:

James “Sawyer” Ford, “Lost”
Pros: Good at shooting people. Good at punching people. Good at threatening people. Good at giving orders. Good at jumping out of airplanes. Also, this: Jack: “Do you recognize anything?” Sawyer: “Yeah, there’s my favorite leaf.”
Cons: Hates fat people. Hates freckled people. Hates doctor people. Hates Asian people. Hates polar bear people. Is also dead.

Eric Northman, “True Blood”
Pros: Has abs you could tap dance on, looks good in anything, has power, runs his own successful business.
Cons: Will not be able to take lazy strolls on a summer afternoon, will fuck with you for three seasons unless your name is Godric or you are a viking descendant, may die in a freak gasoline fight.

Zack Morris, “Saved By The Bell”
Pros: Is widely considered the class heartthrob, gets into lovably wacky shenanigans, will help you if you are, “so excited, so excited…so scared.”
Cons: Has a strange obsession with his high school principal. Will freeze-frame your ass. Is known for having a really big…cell phone.

“Uncle Jesse” Katsoplis, “Full House”
Pros: In a band, great hair and smile, good with kids.
Cons: Has questionable taste in denim, talks like a 1950s greaser, stays home a lot.

Robert Stack, “Unsolved Mysteries”
Pros: Great deep voice, looks good in trench coats, likes to help others.
Cons: Everything he says will sound ominous; you will wonder if, “We’re having dinner at 7:30” is the last thing you ever hear.

TV — Darlings

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47 thoughts on “Television Boyfriends.

  1. Allison

    So I thought you disappeared off the face off the earth after you got a book deal and a boyfriend but then you show up in my google reader with like 4 new posts and nary a mention of your extended absence so I click through to the actual blog and I’ve been MISSING OUT. I feel robbed. And also excited to read all that I missed. And then back to robbed.

    Happy November!

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      The boyfriend is gone. The potential book deal is still in the works. WELCOME BACK!

  2. Venassa

    I agree with that Dawson Leery con. No, thanks.
    But I wouldn’t mind some Ted Mosby, corny jokes, long stories and all.
    I was happy to see Arrested Development on there.. and you summed Michael up perfectly.

  3. Danee Liz

    I so enjoyed reading this post! So right about Jim Halpert, although he is quite adorable. Bill Compton is a gentleman but he might force you to drink his blood so he’ll know where you are and what you’re feeling at any given time. Whole new level of “possessive.” Also, he’s not hotter than the bad boy, Eric Northman.

  4. Vishesh Narayen

    HAHA, this one is the best:

    Michael Bluth, “Arrested Development”
    Pros: Patient, quick-witted, looks good in a suit.
    Cons: Him?

    “Heeey brother.”

  5. Lana B*

    I was always way more into Pacey than annoying, pining, whining Dawson. Sure he was arty or whatever, but Pacey is funny and seduces teachers! And oh that smirk, it did things to pre-teen me.

    I agree that Aiden from SATC and Andy from Weeds are top shelf boyfriend material as well. I would like to add Seth Cohen to the list if I could though, Cohen can wear a sweater, talk Death Cab for Cutie and make an interest in comic books look totally adorable. I would convert for that boy. His cons would be: Annoying mother, sometimes sails away for summer without warning because adoptive brother moves like one town over?!

  6. deromanticize

    Haha, awesome post. For as long as I can remember I’ve had a crush on Oz from Buffy. To this day, I have a strange crush on Seth Green.

  7. allie

    “Bill Compton, “True Blood”
    Pros: Is a gentleman, probably knows how to do the Lindy Hop, believes that chivalry is not dead even though he is”

    best.

  8. Pingback: Tweets that mention Television Boyfriends. — A P O C A L Y P S T I C K -- Topsy.com

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      James “Sawyer” Ford

      Pros: Good at shooting people. Good at punching people. Good at threatening people. Good at giving orders. Good at jumping out of airplanes. Jack: “Do you recognize anything?” Sawyer: “Yeah, there’s my favorite leaf.”

      Cons: Hates fat people. Hates freckled people. Hates doctor people. Hates polar bear people.

  9. Ashley

    Dylan McKay, my love, actually did have a heroin addiction for a while there. He’s still my top pick though!

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      OMG HOW COULD I FORGET. Is that the series of episodes where he was in rehab and this older guy got mad at him for wearing a Rolling Stones hat because it reminded him of drinking?? LOL

      1. Ashley

        Yes! Those are the ones! I also love how his heroin addiction came to a head when he got high and accidentally knocked Donna into a pool where she almost drowned because she was knocked unconscious. Then he just passed out on a lawn chair nearby. What a great show.

        1. Almie Rose Post author

          I FORGOT ABOUT THIS ENTIRE STORYLINE. To be fair though, that was a pretty lame season, right? Was Claire still there or had she “gone to Paris”? We all know what happens to people on that show who go to Paris.

          1. Ashley

            I’m pretty sure she already went to Paris by then. Beverly Hills 90210’s answer to actors leaving the show: send them to Europe.

  10. Molly

    you forgot Eric AND Sawyer? gotta rep harder for us blond fetishists (I liked Dawson, what can I say, I’m retarded). on that note, ZACK MORRIS.

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      I didn’t forget Eric, TBH I just don’t like him. But the Zack Morris omission was abominable on my part.

  11. Rebecca

    you slay me! also, all valid.
    also also…andy botwin is actually mine…so…just back off a bit, ya know?

  12. Allie

    I LOVE the Jessie Spano reference in the Zack Morris entry.

    Question: Is it awkward for 20-somethings to pine after 20 and 30-somethings that play high school kids on TV? Cast of Glee: does that make me a pedophile? Does the new GQ cover promote child pornography? HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT IS METHOD ACTING AND WHAT IS REAL LIFE? Somebody spell this out for me.

  13. Maggie

    Hank Moody:
    Pros: Writer, Saucy, Sexy, names books after slayer albums.
    Cons: Probably just a facsimile of how David Duchovny acts in real life.

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      Last night my friend brought up the omission of Hank Moody. I told her I couldn’t think of enough pros! Nicely done.

  14. Michael Brock

    My biggest concern was having cartoon crushes as a kid. The Evil Witch in Snow White? A little drag queenish but yeah, sexy..Jessica Rabbit , Wilma Flintsone, Lois Griffin, Daphne from Scooby Doo… My god, they are all redheads!
    Enid Coleslaw (sigh)

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      I think you’ll find many girls, including myself, who had a HUGE thing for Trent (“Daria”).

      1. Lisa

        YES! My first “serious” boyfriend in secondary school kinda looked like him (to me anyway), pretty sure that was his main selling point.

  15. Greg

    Any chance of doing a post on TV women for guys? Because that would probably be EVEN MORE AWESOME than this… and this is pretty frakkin’ awesome. Seriously, it’s like right up there with hyperbole and a half.

  16. Kalliste

    “Michael Bluth, “Arrested Development”
    Pros: Patient, quick-witted, looks good in a suit.
    Cons: Him?”

    That is kind of perfect! I will always love Michael Bluth though 🙂

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