I’m So Gifted At Finding What I Don’t Like The Most.

I think it’s pretty clear from the above exchange that I might be depressed as fuck. That or I just sit in front of the computer until I smell. But really, isn’t that the same thing?

People tell you that, “Time heals all wounds.” People tell you that, “It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.” People tell you that, “It’s always darkest before dawn.” These people are liars and assholes and should go to cliche rehab.

Let’s address their first groundbreaking, brilliant point. Time does not heal anything. Time just separates you from the thing that happened to where you are now. Sure, the pain may not feel as fresh, but it doesn’t erase the fact that the pain was there. All time does is enable you to trick yourself into thinking and believing that you’re fine, because it happened how ever many weeks/months/years ago and you’ve changed ever so much since then. And if time really did help you, fuck you, you liar.

Second: the whole it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. There’s been rumors that there’s a drug out that erases memories. Real “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” shit but without the whimsical touch and Jon Brion soundtrack. If this drug exists I need it in me like, yesterday. I would erase it all. Like that. The good memories do not outweigh the bad. The damage is done. My good friend Abby said, “You know I realized I’ve never met your parents” and all I could think was, “Yeah let’s really get to know each others’ families so that when you leave me I can feel especially terrible and embarrassed. Because it’s not enough to have you go away, but I would love to break-up with your family as well. If a whole clan can reject me instead of one person, that would be awesome.” And this is just my great friend Abby! How the fuck am I supposed to trust someone who wants to have sex with me? And by the way, I am not having sex with anyone, that ship has sailed, or sunk actually. My sex drive is the Titanic, shit is just dead and buried. I didn’t even get a string quartet to play me off, goddamn.

Yes, it is always darkest before dawn. Literally. But after dawn comes, the darkness is still there, it’s just inside of you. So now you’re like a goddamn haunted house, wherever you go, the poltergeists follow. You are completely and totally fucked. Get all the exorcisms you want, but that demon knows, “LOL you’re mine, bitch” and it’s right. When you’re dark inside, there is no difference between day and night. Things that seem bad at night are just as bad in the morning. They’re waiting for you. It’s like having own personal Tyler Durden. Have fun, kids! Make some soap!!!!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go back to drinking wine and listening to Regina Spektor.

But the wine is pink!! I CAN STILL HAVE FUN.

Torn — Natalie Imbruglia

(Yeah, let’s do this shit right.)

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27 thoughts on “I’m So Gifted At Finding What I Don’t Like The Most.

  1. Allie

    1. I’m glad that you’re still showering.
    2. You can say that the night is always darkest before the dawn, but I feel like it’s not true. Wouldn’t it just BE dark, all night, and then get LIGHTER just before the dawn? So that’s just bullshit. Whoever came up with that was not breaking any new scientific SLASH SIMPLY OBSERVATIONAL ground.
    3. I know it’s not a string quartet, but perhaps my COLLEGIATE A CAPPELLA GROUP a la Andy Bernard’s Here Comes Treble could SING you a string quartet as your sex drives sinks into the ocean.

    As someone who just went through a break up as well, I feel your pain. Enjoy that pink wine. I find solace in mojitos, but those really aren’t an everyday kind of drink. It’s more like a summer-esque-I-should-really-write-that-final-paper-it’s-already-Sunday kind of drink.

  2. Arina

    Now that I listened to that song I am hungering for 90s movies and Dawson’s Creek. And Katie Holmes. My god. AND FREDDIE PRINCE JR. Where is Freddie Prince btw? Anybody know?

    1. Alley G.

      lol This response is to two thousand and late, but I love that someone else remembers him. FPJ, as I used to call him. The first of many crushes on unavailable men.

  3. tawniethetiger

    i had one of those…that relationship that totally broke you. we broke up like 6 and a half years ago and honestly, i still have a little hate in my heart for him.

    the second to the last thing he said to me was “well…your new boyfriend is cute.”
    and i said “i know.” and that was it…AWESOME!!

    i wish that was the last thing he ever said to me, but the last thing he actually said to me was about a year ago…he commented on something i posted that said “ill do anything!” with “what do you mean by anything exactly? ((wink))”
    and i responded with “i hope youre joking, even though im NOT laughing.”
    eew.

    hes not worth it. he probably wasnt half as clever and awesome as you are. duh.

      1. tawniethetiger

        oooh…so i see youve met cole!! you must know him well because an asshat is EXACTLY what he is. hahahaa.

  4. d

    I’m glad you’re not out there demoralizing yourself in the wake of heartache in some frivolous attempt to cover up the pain. I fully support your Titanic voyage.

    As for the pain, you’re feeling it, and that is good: it will lead to recovery. I’ve told you before that pain is an indicator that allows us to setup proper boundaries to prevent us experiencing more pain. If there were none, we would remain reckless through all our days. The unfortunate part of this is that, yes, the pain is there, and it sucks. Even this morning I spent more time that I should have lamenting over the fact that my last ex (the one that cheated on me, mind you) didn’t call me on or around my birthday.

    As Billy Corgan sang one: “I won’t deny the pain,” but I sure as hell am not going to allow it to keep me down either. If you’re really feeling this down about it, I would wholeheartedly suggest counseling. I went through some this year myself and it helped immensely and keeps the lamenting down to a healthy minimum.

    I feel like a broken record, but I honestly believe you’re a unique and wonderful young woman, a rare Ramona Flowers of a find. Just keep conquering your world, one day at a time, and skip a shower every now and then if you feel like it. 😉

    well wishes, and flowers,
    d

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      “I’m glad you’re not out there demoralizing yourself in the wake of heartache in some frivolous attempt to cover up the pain.”

      This is a weird comment.

  5. Laura Marie

    … Wait. There’s seriously memory-erasing drugs? Holy balls, 2010. Impressive.

    Also–for those who are concerned and/or (like me) enjoy keeping tabs on 90’s heartthrobs, Freddie Prinze Jr. has been making appearances on 24.

    In other news, Devon Sawa is now on the new CW show.

    But seriously Almie I heart you.

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      …24 is still on??? I thought it ended! Oh man this feels like one of those ghost stories that ends with, “But sir, that girl died years ago.” CHILLS

    2. Arina

      24 eh? … I miss my FPJr…. such a hunk (in the 90s).. now I don’t know what he is without googling him. Sad that he’s fallen from so high.

  6. basiamc

    -sigh- Found your website through some other amusing hipster website. Have been going through a very similar depression since July, when the bomb was dropped on me. Haven’t showered since. No, just playing. Anyways, really, this is wonderful. I’ve found another website that can comprise the makeup of my 8 to 20-hour shifts of please-waste-my-time-sweet-mindless-interwebs days.

    Now, don’t post anything more like this, or I’ll start to think about my own problems.

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      Yeah, it’s a lot more carefree to ponder our lives with television boyfriends. I get it. But I find that the honesty is what keeps people coming back. That and my boobs.

      JK!! JK ROWLING!! Thanks for reading!

  7. erika

    oh no. apparently that last comment published with a link to the twitter user @erikasay – decidedly less interesting than me since her account is private… miss you, love!

  8. Alley G.

    I need a prescription for this memory-erasing drug. I need three bottles, actually. Funny that I was having this exact conversation with someone not three days ago.

    & three cheers for pink wine!

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