One of my all-time favorite movies in the world is “Beyond the Valley of the Dolls.” It’s a movie that makes me believe anything is possible if you have a young, rich, well-connected aunt in Los Angeles. I do not. But I can still apply what I’ve learned from the film to enrich my life. For example, if I talk in a perpetually low voice and tell cute guys, “You’re a groovy boy, I’d like to strap you on sometime” then I’m certain to attract lots of positive attention. Also, I’m not a hippie, I’m in a rock group. Another thing I’ve learned is that it’s perfectly acceptable — nay, expected — to have sex in the host’s bathroom but NOT their bedroom. Every room however, including the pool, is totally fine. Drinking is sort of square these days, but then again, so is grass — unless you know how to use it! Also, never underestimate the importance of applying mascara thickly to the bottom lashes. Draw them in if you have to. Don’t run of champagne man, people are dying of thirst! Here’s another great tip: if you want a band to play for free at your party, just make sure you manage them!

This generation sometimes gives me hope. We’ve grown up watching the movies of better eras and we want to recreate them. When people dress up, they really like to dress up. Some of the outfits that you’ll see in BtVotD are awfully similar to outfits you see hipsters wear at your local shindig. Men are finally starting to come around and wear suits. It’s like everyone really wants to play dress-up. Jobs are incidental. It doesn’t matter what you do as long as you look good.

You can be a rock star if all you do is sing in a three person three piece band. All you need is the right opportunity to have a spontaneous show at that super famous rock producer’s house, and you’re set for life! The best thing is that even though it’s just you singing, your friend on the guitar, and your other friend on the drums, you’ll sound like you have a wall of music behind you! Where did that bass come from and those horns?? Who cares, that’s the magic of the 70s! It’s okay if your singing voice sounds nothing like your speaking voice. Another great thing about movies like these, those made in the late 60s-early 70s, is that everyone at some point has to be in a band. Jack Nicholson, in a movie that I think is called “The Trip” but I don’t feel like checking, played a musician named Stoney and “played” guitar in a band. By played what I mean is that he swayed side to side while holding a guitar. He didn’t even bother to pretend to pluck strings or anything. That’s what life should be like, man! No, that’s what life can be! Life can be playing the guitar even if you don’t know how. Just hold the damn thing and look awesome and it will all come to you.

You’re young! Take advantage of every opportunity you can, and whatever you do, don’t bogart the joint.

EDIT.

The aforementioned Jack Nicholson movie is called “Psych-Out.” Here’s a still from the film. That’s Stoney!

Enjoy this BEYOND THE VALLEY OF THE DOLLS themed mini mix:

1. Nobody But Me — The Human Beinz

2. Shape Of Things To Come — Max Frost and the Troopers

3. Incense And Peppermints — The Strawberry Alarm Clock

4. I’ve Got Your Man — Honey Ltd.

5. You Keep Me Hangin’ On — Vanilla Fudge