This is real Real.

portrait by the very talented Tyler Magyar

Next week I will be meeting lots of internets. There’s a blogger conference in vegas. I am excited but then I realized, wait, these internets are people and these people are going to see what I look like. That freaked me out. In (most) photos I look really good, but in person it doesn’t quite translate. People marvel at how tiny I am, but it’s not tiny as in skinny it’s tiny as in o hai David the Gnome’s wife. And there’s the whole, wow she looks thinner on The Internet thing. I can’t help it. This train of thought never stops. There are no stops. There is no conductor. This is hell train. Summer 2012. Starring Matthew McCougnahasysgef (I tried, really).

See, there’s going to be a period of time where we have a pool reserved, or something, I don’t really read things when I should, I think David Bowie was on TV. And there is no way — no way — anyone is going to see in my bathing suit. “Oh come on, you look fine” you might think. That’s the thing. I don’t want to look “fine.” I want to look HOLY FUCK!!!tastic. In a “DAMN NICE BOD” way, just to clarify. Not in a, “DAMN NICE BOD DAVID THE GNOME’S WIFE” way. I wish you guys scheduled this when I was going through personal turmoil, I got sooo skinny from stress. Oh hey formspring person who asked, that’s how I lost all that weight. Lots of stress. But now the stress pendulum is swinging the other way and so I am eating anything that isn’t metal or plastic.

I just can’t let people see me in a bikini. No way. I can’t let that happen. To quote Lily Allen, “Never gonna happen.” Or is it, “Not gonna happen”? See I am so bad at reading, it also doesn’t help that sometimes I see letters as numbers.

I know I sound like kind of an asshole. I know I am not what society considers fat, by any means. But my mind is messy and has no idea what’s going on. It doesn’t even know where Ireland is. It doesn’t even know.

JUST KIDDING.

…am I?

L     O     S     T

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Share

Follow me on Twitter | Facebook

31 thoughts on “This is real Real.

  1. Emma Aubry

    What sucks is that your blog is hilarious and insightful and honest and empowering and so many other awesome adjectives and you’re sitting there worried that people won’t think you’re SKINNY enough. Not judging, I’d be doing the exact same thing. Can we start a support group called “Deceptively Photogenic and Therefore Decidedly Less Attractive in Real Life”? Tagline “Life’s Rough When You Know Your Angles”? Tagline’s tagline “That Ben & Jerry’s Was So Worth It?”

    P.S. ModCloth high-waisted bikinis. Look into it.

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      Thank you. I’ll be the first to say this is pathetic.

      For some reason high-waisted bikinis look even worse on me than normal ones.

      Maybe I should go all Kirstie Alley and just post a photo of me in my bikini. Face the beast. Bravery. Bikinis. Beach Blanket Bingo. Bunnies. Broad daylight. Boars. OK I’m done.

  2. nicole antoinette

    Fuck that noise, I’m not wearing a bikini. Dude, it’s VEGAS, you could wear a ball gown in the goddamn pool and it would be more than all good.

    Also, there will be so much vodka you won’t give a shit about anything. Finger crossie promise.

    LOVE YOUR FACE. See you in 5 days!

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      I know it would be more than all good but, sideways face. I don’t want to get so drunk that I wear a bikini so to be safe I’m not bringing it so DON’T LET ME GET HAMMERED AND BUY ONE. However I AM bringing my pink Niki Minaj wig, because I figure that will def come in handy. And that’s no joke.

      1. nicole antoinette

        Deal. I promise to let you get drunk enough to get married in a pink Niki Minaj wig, but not drunk enough to buy a bikini from the hotel gift shop for your honeymoon.

        COMPROMISE.

  3. Andrea

    So the other day I put my measurements on the internet on one of those like body empowerment blogs (lolololol) or whatever and I was like oh no this is a bad idea! But then I just did it and I think I was drunk when I did it so it happened and I’m over it now and when I look at the picture I just focus on the fact that my outfit is awesome and my legs look good and I’m fondling a statue and that’s the best.

    SO. My advice to you is to get like the best looking bikini in the world, decide what part of you in the most fucking astounding and then get drunk and then swim. But only do the drunk swimming if there is a lifeguard because it would be sad if you died.

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      I’m fondling a statue and that’s the best. — ALWAYS.

      I of course had to see the photo and daaamn your legs DO look good.

      You’re wonderful. Thank you. lol that reminds me of when Lenny went swimming drunk at night and said, “What could go wrong?”

  4. Kate

    Dude, same thing here. I lost so much weight a few months back when I was super stressed, and now the stress level is going down and swimsuit season is beginning. C’est la vie. Or is it C’est la guerre?
    Life likes to play little funny jokes like that on me.

  5. Kelly L

    Dearest Roomie,

    I am RIGHT THERE with you and in fact it didn’t occur that this was a Thing until I was gchatting with one of the other girls and she was all “ten hours of scheduled pool time” and I was all “brb, need to go have a panic attack now.” I have not purchased a swimsuit in nigh eight years (if you’re doing the math, which I suspect you’re not, that would be: SINCE HIGH SCHOOL because that was the last time i was thin.)

    Anyway my point, which I do have, is that I am right there with you. And, in fact, if we wanted to round up a brigade of I HATE SWIMSUIT people for at least one of the days of scheduled pool time, and find some other shenanigans to participate in (I mean, hey, it’s Vegas, I’ve never been but I assume that the shenanigans are bountiful), I would be quite pleased with that activity. Although I also decided that it wouldn’t kill me if I hung out poolside and read a book or something.

    Lord only knows what chlorinated water will do to my hair color, seeing as how it came from a box from Target.

    xoxo
    Kelly

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      Roomie!!

      I am so relieved, I really thought I was the only one insecure and silly enough to think this!!

      “And, in fact, if we wanted to round up a brigade of I HATE SWIMSUIT people for at least one of the days of scheduled pool time, and find some other shenanigans to participate in (I mean, hey, it’s Vegas, I’ve never been but I assume that the shenanigans are bountiful), I would be quite pleased with that activity.”

      YES. I BET THERE’S A LADY GAGA IMPERSONATOR SHOW SOMEWHERE.

      Can’t wait to see you!

      xxoo

      1. Tony Archer

        Gaga is part of the Divas show at the Imperial Palace. Tickets are like $50, but include all the impersonators you can dream of.

  6. Tony Archer

    First off, the brutal honesty of this post is really inspiring and heart warming. The fact that someone as beautiful and wonderful as you, Almie, has the same insecurities as us mere mortals makes me feel totally less crazy about my own body issues.
    As it stands, unless you’re one of the ladies who I’ve somehow managed to trick into having sex with me, you’d have to put a gun to my head to get me to take my shirt off. Like Kelly L, I used to be thin a million years ago, but a lifetime of martial arts training and a hyperactive metabolism was no match for… a girl. When I was 19, I fell for a girl and decided to quit drinking and smoking to impress her. You’d think that this would be an overall good thing, right? Well, my body felt differently and was all “Fuck you for getting rid of all the appetite suppressants(nicotine) and sugar (alcohol) that we crave! Here, have 30 pounds.”
    Let me let you in on a little secret, 19 year old boys don’t own scales. Hell, I didn’t own a microwave at the time! The first time I stepped onto a scale and saw a “2” as the first number of my weight, I had a nervous breakdown. It took my mother to talk some sense into by saying basically saying “Look princess, you’re six feet tall and you are mostly muscle, it’s OKAY for you to weigh 200 pounds. That’s not strange at all” to talk me down. So I was calm for a moment but the problem got worse and I had no clue what was going on until a friend I hadn’t seen in a few months saw me and said those dreaded words: “Wow, you’ve gotten fat” (because boys aren’t polite to eachother and he probably thought it was funny).
    You add to this the fact that my body’s natural abundance of testosterone has left me with body hair and a strong case of Bruce Willis Syndrome (also known as Dan Aykroyditis or Billy Zane Disease), needless to say, my self image is pretty fucking shot.
    For the longest time I felt like there was a magic rose losing petals somewhere and any day now, my world would just go to hell. But eventually, I met a ridiculously hot girl who somehow sees my inner beauty or something and actually loves me for who I am and stuff.
    And while that’s all well and good, I still want to be able to be able to take my shirt off like I used to. So, I’m working out and dieting and stuff (for REALZ this time) and working on Operation:Don’t Look Fat In Your Wedding Photos. But despite the magical wonders that true love can bring to someone and whatnot, I’m still totally insecure about all of this stuff like you wouldn’t believe. Or you would.
    Anyway, the point is that you’re not alone in this madness.

    Also, just wear one of your ultrastylish Apocalypstick t-shirts over your bathing suit and never actually go in the pool. Big floppy hat+sunglasses+lipstick+shameless self-promotion = Success!

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      This was like…one of the greatest comments ever. Anything I respond to it is going to fall short. Good job you, and thank you.

      1. Tony Archer

        Aw shucks. Thank you!
        I know you feel like anything you say would fall short, but I really would love to hear your thoughts. You’ve gotta try, Almie!

        Geez, I just realized how much I actually wrote. Maybe I should write my own blog instead of hijacking yours all the time.

  7. Tony Archer

    Also, “Don’t eat metal or plastic” is a good rule of thumb, but you may want to throw in glass. Glass is some seriously bad juju when it gets stuck in your body.

    And she had a name, Almie. David the Gnome’s wife’s name was Lisa, and she was lovely.

  8. Suburban Sweetheart

    I wish I were going to BiSC but then I don’t because… I AM AWKWARD & I’m convinced that people might stop reading my blog after they met me.

  9. D

    You don’t have anything to prove to anyone and don’t need to impress anyone either. You just go have a good fuckin time and cherish the people who will always see and think of you as beautiful.

  10. Skinny Dip

    At the risk of sounding like a cheesy guidance counselor….

    I’m sure you are lovely in person Almie.

    AND, I’m pretty sure that most people feel the way you do. I’m not exactly thrilled to be seen in a bathing suit. My body isn’t perfect (who’s is?!) and I’m deathly pale but I’m going to sit by that pool anyway in my ridiculous neon colored bikini…because fuck it, its Vegas. I figure that its going to be a bit like high school: everyone is going to be preoccupied with worrying about THEIR bikini body that they won’t even notice mine. I’m also banking on some people being too drunk to care.

    1. Bob

      The both of you are so intimidatingly fucking hot in real life it’s ridiculous. That’s all I’m sayin’.

  11. Rahul

    I went last year. Believe me in no time (less than 3 hours) you will not remember these various things.

    1. What day it is.
    2. Where you are
    3. Who stepped on your sunglasses
    4. Did you buy sunglasses
    5. Some random sex related conversation you had with a stranger
    6. What day it is. Again.
    7. Were your last 4 drinks champagne, wine, mixed drink or some crazy concotion of all the alcohol in the world.

    It’s truly magical.

  12. Carolyn

    Oh God Almie I feel the SAME way except I don’t have a mass following of fans that want me at a blog party or whatever youre doing. I loved how skinny I was in college after my boyfriend dumped me and all I hate was zone bars and vodka sodas. Youre hot and secretly you know it…DONT YOU!?

  13. Lem

    first, i’m jealous that you’re going to a blog conf in VEGAS in the first place! 😉

    when i started meeting bloggerfriends in person for the first time at events in NYC i felt similarly weird about the smallest things… like people being able to put my weird facial expressions next to the things i wrote?? i wasn’t as worried about looks but i can be super snarky and frank online and then in person i’m really fucking socially awkward. ugh.

    anyway, i hope the panic lets up and that you have fun at the thing!

  14. Heather

    Get a bikini from Modcloth! Now I know what you’re thinking- “never gonna happen.” But Modcloth is the mecca of incredible swimwear that fits and covers EVERYTHING. On a personal story note, I am a fairly normal-sized girl who was born with a very small chest and a ass that rivals Kim Kardashian’s. The oddness of this combo combined with my love for vintage clothing meant trying to find a bikini that I could wear that wasn’t tied on the side with skinny spaghetti straps. I bought a two piece from Modcloth that was just perfect and makes my ass look smaller by a miracle that is heaven-sent. Also it makes me look like I have cleavage which is an added bonus. So I’m going to direct you to Modcloth…with a shameless link here…http://modcloth.com.

  15. anon

    Girl you were so sorely missed by me at the pool, no wonder I didn’t get to pick your brain more! I went, pasty Irish skin, pole dancing bruises, bikini line razorburn and all, I just wore a tankini to cover my belly (and pole bruises on my hips)

    You are gorgeous with slim waist and nice boobs but skinny everywhere else! I feel chubby sometimes, too, trust me, but I actually could lose weight at a whopping 5’3″ 125, while you don’t need to

Comments are closed.