Hey Girl.

So you have a boyfriend. That’s great! You have someone’s lap to sit on at picnics. You have someone to take to your friend’s party. You don’t need to scout out guys at said party. Because you’ll be holding your boyfriend’s arm, tracing his veins with your fingertip, something all couples wind up doing without realizing it (watch for it next time). You have someone to force into couples costume for Halloween. You have someone all of your friends can look at and think, “Goddamn I’m jealous.” And that’s great!But girl unless your boyfriend is Captain Kirk, he ain’t going anywhere. You don’t need to spend every waking moment together. Or every sleeping moment either. And all of those cosmic moments in between. He’s always going to be there for you, and if he’s not, then he’s not a very good boyfriend and you should *NSYNC his ass (and I don’t know what this even means — am I referring to their hit “Bye Bye Bye” or their break-up or what? I don’t know guys, that’s the beauty of life!!).

I understand that in the beginning you’re going to be Lady GaGa for each other and that’s really great. It’s an exciting time.

But girl.

Girl.

Unless your boyfriend is Warren Beatty, from the above photo, from that exact era, I need to tell you something: He’s Not That Great.

Is this pure jealousy speaking? In some occasions, yes (see “Unless your boyfriend is Warren Beatty…” above). But most of the time, your boyfriend is going to be just like everybody else’s boyfriend. He’ll be there for you, yes, but will he be there for us? No, and that’s not his job. Your job, however, is to be there for us. Because you’re our friend. Not a Phoebe friend, because that woman was a goddamn bitch on the show “Friends” who acted like she was from goddamn outerspace, and was mean to Ross for no goddamn reason — I’m talking about real friendships, the kind that cannot fit into a Thursday night time slot.

Why are my references so 90s? But that’s not important right now.

What is important is that you stop and realize that girl, we’ve known you long before this dude did, unless you have some kind of Dawson/Joey situation. OK did VH1 just air an “I love the 90s” series that beamed directly into my brain? Anyway, we were there for you when you got your period on your pants in 8th grade and we loaned you our sweatshirt for you to tie around your waist. We were there for you when you first got drunk on cheap rum and we talked to you as you were barfing in the bathroom. We were there for you when you were in college and wondered, “What the hell am I going to do when I graduate”?

And where was he?

Just remember. It’s fine to be excited about your boyfriend, and we’re happy for you, but we need you too.

SO TEXT ME GODDAMNIT.