A friend of mine (who will remain nameless, under threat of her fist to my face) is having a hard time finding a guy. She’s not even looking for something serious. She just wants someone to charge a little something to her AmEx, if you know what I’m saying. She wants Santa to give her a a bag full of toys, if you get my drift. She wants someone to sort out her recycling and maybe help her pick out a good paint color for her living room, something not too bold but not too boring, maybe something that will pick up one of the accent colors in one of her new throw pillows that she got from Pier One, which has surprisingly chic and modern home accessories at very reasonable prices, if you know what I mean.

She wants to get laid.

I went boy shopping on facebook (that’s when you look at all of the cute single guys you know on facebook, and cute single guys of friends, and then finally, cute single guys of friends of friends) in hopes of finding someone suitable. The candidates were underwhelming. All of the great guys I knew either a.) had girlfriends b.) were gay c.) lived in New York or d) wait who is this guy and why is he my friend on Facebook?. I suggested she would have a better time by herself, to which she said, “I don’t need to get any better at masturbating, you know?” Which I thought was a really solid point.

It should not be this difficult for a hot, smart, funny, and successful chick to find a guy to have a fun, casual, non-creepy time with. Guys think it’s very easy for women. “You’re the one with boobs,” they say. “How hard can it be?” It’s hard, guys. I blame the Internet. No, I really do. My friend wisely pointed out that Gen X had the same problems and they didn’t have the Internet to which I said, “Stop ruining my theory with logic, that’s so lame.” But I think that the Internet turned us into monsters. There’s two major extremes with finding people on the Internet: sites where you can find a quick “hook-up” in your area, which I personally think is really dangerous, or sites like J-Date where you can theoretically find a nice Jewish boy but can maybe be just as dangerous as say, Craiglist. Then again a good friend of mine found her cute and normal (!!!) boyfriend on Craigslist so what the hell do I know? Wait what was my point?

I just think we’ve become too used to the Internet as a way to snoop but not as a way to really connect. I think the best way to meet cute guys is at parties; that way you’re sure to meet a friend of a friend. Maybe that’s why I referred to parties as “real life Facebook”. Then I realized how completely sad that sounded. What is this world coming to? Or maybe not, world, but generation? Why is Justin Bieber always a trending topic on twitter? Who is responsible for this?

I’ve tried to find potential guys on Facebook, but when a girl messages a guy on Facebook, he automatically thinks it’s for sex. And I’m like, baby, baby, baby, oh. Like, baby, baby, baby, NO! I’m sorry, this Justin Bieber song has forced its way into my very soul. I played it at work right before closing and as I was helping the last couple in the store, asking them if there was anything else they needed, the tough looking tattoo’d guy said, “Uh, can you play that Justin Bieber song again?” I couldn’t tell if he was serious or not so I just laughed.

My friend deserves an awesome, attractive, creative, and smart guy. I know they’re out there. It’s just unfortunate that she’s so awesome, because maybe if she were less awesome we’d have an easier time finding someone for her. Few people are awesome.

Birds Of A Feather — Tim Curry