William Shakespeare once said, “Thank you for inviting me but what the fuck is this shit.”

I love a good party and maybe even a bad party but an awkward party is something that I cannot handle. If you are going to invite people into your home and serve them food and alcohol then you had better be a capable host. Hint: do not sneak off into your bedroom to get high. It just doesn’t make for the best kind of host. Unless you’re one of those people who actually functions better when high — oh right, that’s an Urban School Myth or some folklore shit — no one functions better when high.

We are adults. Some of us own houses. Some of us have real jobs, like touring with U2. I don’t have that job and frankly I think U2 sucks that and that you can sing “Where The Streets Have No Name” to every song of theirs, but you know, whatever. Good for you. It must be nice to humor Bono and make him feel like he’s still musically relevant.

You need to make sure that there is enough food for enough people and if you’re cooking you need to let people know when the food is ready. What kind of operation are you running here? Do you want people to forage through your garbage can for food? Is this Annie? Where’s Sandy? Is the sun going to come out tomorrow or are you going to fuck that up, too?

I appreciate that you took the time to introduce your guests, but then I think it’s rude to take their camera, take a picture of me, give them their camera back, and say, “This is for you to masturbate to later.” Maybe I’m just old fashioned.

You need to be graceful. If a guest makes a faux paus you should not point at it and laugh, you should sweep it under the rug. You want your guests to be comfortable. And you don’t want your guests to throw things at each other. Who the fuck is in charge here?

When did we go from dinner jackets and Emily Post to logo tees and Jackass? OK maybe Jackass is a bad example; is that show still even on? A few nights ago I went out to dinner and I saw some guy who looked like Johnny Knoxville but way older. And then I realized, holy shit, that is Johnny Knoxville. He gets old just like everyone else. But you don’t see him running around with fireworks up his nose, do you? No, he probably is busy throwing classy parties with his Jackass money. That is how you do things. That is how you take charge.

Have some decorum.

Treat Me Like Your Mother — The Dead Weather
I’ve Underestimated My Charm (Again) — Black Kids
The Prince Of Parties — Flight of the Conchords
Mama Told Me (Not To Come) — Three Dog Night