lighten up it’s just fashion | APOCALYPSTICK

Look at Warren Beatty. Do you think he got as many women as he did by dressing like Jon Hamm on his free days? Hell no.

I’ve probably harped about this before but I am getting fed up with the way men of our generation dress when they go out. And by go out I mean, “go out” hit the town go out, not when they leave their house for work or errands or lunch or something, who cares about that.

It just doesn’t seem fair. Women put so much more effort into their appearance. When we go out we blow dry our hair, we put on makeup, we wear pretty clothes and to top that off there’s heels. And men put on a David Bowie tee shirt and jeans and, to quote Cher Horowitz, “We’re supposed to swoon?” (Ok, honestly time, I totally did swoon at the Bowie shirt, but the guy could have thrown at least a blazer over it.)

Look, Leo DiCaprio, I don’t care how famous you are, there is no reason why you should be wearing a baseball cap indoors. Put on a suit. Or at least take off the hat.

The richer people are the more inclined they are to dress poorly. I don’t mean poorly as in financially, though it can; I just mean bad. And not bad, bad, shamone, but bad.

We can’t even count on Jon Hamm to dress nicely. Are you just too fed up with looking good on your show, Jon, that you need to undo all of that by wearing crap when you go out? Do you just think, “Ugh I wear suits at work all the time and look like Cary Grant, goddamn I hate it! Let me grow a beard and look drunk. Perfect. Hamm, you rascal, you’ve done it again!”

I like dressing up. Does that mean that I feel everyone else should? No. But should you, if you’re going out? Yes. Because I’m sick of 20 something men getting away with so much bullshit. The least you can do is look nice. I mean who is that hurting? Everyone wins. Look at Jarvis Cocker.

Just make an effort.

And ladies, save the American Apparel sac dress for daytime. It’s not evening wear. Especially when you wear it super short and without underwear. What is that? What are you trying to prove? You’re a woman, we believe you. Cover your stuff. The 70s are over. I’m sorry you couldn’t participate in them, but you need to get over that and move on.

I’m jaunting off to New York for a week. Please be here when I come back. I love you all, really.

I’m A Lady — Santogold

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Starring the cast of “La Piscine”.

The first thing you need to do, if you’re a man, is to get a pair of womens sunglasses. Look at Alain Delon. He looks like a complete moron. But doesn’t he also look European and suave? OK, being European, like Delon, probably helps in looking European. But the ladies sunglasses will really take it to that next level. That level of, “What a douche…yet…I kind of want to be his friend, I bet he goes to lots of cool parties.”

What you need to do is, if you’re a woman, work on your bikini body like Romy Schneider and Jane Birkin. Oh I know what you’re thinking, “But Uncle Almie summer’s almost over.” Guess what? Your body’s still gonna be there in the fall. Lurking under your Marc Jacobs coat. At any moment you may be called upon to showcase it in a bikini. Oh, you think I’m kidding? Once in NYC in the fall (or maybe even winter) I went to a spa with my friend and we needed to wear bikinis and I was like, what I don’t have one, so they gave me a disposible paper bikini to wear and it was so bad I needed a presidential pardon. But could I get one? No. Did That guy from The Fugees get one? Yes, he did. Wait what was my point? Oh yeah, stop eating.

What you’re also going to need to do, for the gentlemen, is to get a manicure, so us ladies will have no problem with Jazz Hands! on our thighs. (JAZZ. Jazz). You don’t need to get nail polish if you don’t want to, but just trim that shit and make it look presentable. Women are always like, omg I love mens hands the most out of any of their body parts (I’m pretty sure this is a lie, I mean, what? Hands, really?) but still, take care of that because I like to give high fives a lot, and no that is not a euphemism, I’m just batshit for high fives.

I mentioned the sunglasses, right? This goes for men and women. Get like, 10 pairs. They can be cheap, no one will notice. Get “day” sunglasses and “night” sunglasses. Get a sunglasses closet, like Elton John. DON’T wear them indoors because people will think you’re hungover. If you are hungover then use eye drops. NEVER let people borrow your sunglasses, because you will NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN. If people want to try them on, hand them over, count to five silently in your head, then grab them back, casually. Say, “Oh hey, are you excited for Season 3 of Mad Men?” and while they’re answering, just take them. They’re yours. It’s your life. Drink Coca~Cola.

What you need to do is, if you’re a woman, stare wistfully at nothing. At most this will get you the attention of a gentleman; at least, it is a good pose for photos. People will look at you and think, “Gee, she seems interesting.” People who look like they have problems are the most interesting people. People who look insanely happy are usually the people you want to avoid because all they’re going to do is brag about why their life is so wonderful. You have martinis to drink and people to flirt with, you don’t have time for their bullshit. Besides, you wrote and directed a hit play, so you’re not sweating it either.

What you need to do is, you need to have fun, like this extra. Who is she? How did she get this role? All she does in this film is dance. Maybe she has one line. Did she know someone? Was she a popular model of the times? Did they see her headshot and think, “I bet she dances like a nutjob and she kind of looks like Cher, get her agent on the phone.” Did she have an agent? Who cares? Look at the joy. If only we all had that joy. Just try it. Go through life like you’re a dancing extra in a movie about sexy Europeans in sunglasses. What could be the harm?

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