Starring the cast of “La Piscine”.
The first thing you need to do, if you’re a man, is to get a pair of womens sunglasses. Look at Alain Delon. He looks like a complete moron. But doesn’t he also look European and suave? OK, being European, like Delon, probably helps in looking European. But the ladies sunglasses will really take it to that next level. That level of, “What a douche…yet…I kind of want to be his friend, I bet he goes to lots of cool parties.”
What you need to do is, if you’re a woman, work on your bikini body like Romy Schneider and Jane Birkin. Oh I know what you’re thinking, “But Uncle Almie summer’s almost over.” Guess what? Your body’s still gonna be there in the fall. Lurking under your Marc Jacobs coat. At any moment you may be called upon to showcase it in a bikini. Oh, you think I’m kidding? Once in NYC in the fall (or maybe even winter) I went to a spa with my friend and we needed to wear bikinis and I was like, what I don’t have one, so they gave me a disposible paper bikini to wear and it was so bad I needed a presidential pardon. But could I get one? No. Did That guy from The Fugees get one? Yes, he did. Wait what was my point? Oh yeah, stop eating.
What you’re also going to need to do, for the gentlemen, is to get a manicure, so us ladies will have no problem with Jazz Hands! on our thighs. (JAZZ. Jazz). You don’t need to get nail polish if you don’t want to, but just trim that shit and make it look presentable. Women are always like, omg I love mens hands the most out of any of their body parts (I’m pretty sure this is a lie, I mean, what? Hands, really?) but still, take care of that because I like to give high fives a lot, and no that is not a euphemism, I’m just batshit for high fives.
I mentioned the sunglasses, right? This goes for men and women. Get like, 10 pairs. They can be cheap, no one will notice. Get “day” sunglasses and “night” sunglasses. Get a sunglasses closet, like Elton John. DON’T wear them indoors because people will think you’re hungover. If you are hungover then use eye drops. NEVER let people borrow your sunglasses, because you will NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN. If people want to try them on, hand them over, count to five silently in your head, then grab them back, casually. Say, “Oh hey, are you excited for Season 3 of Mad Men?” and while they’re answering, just take them. They’re yours. It’s your life. Drink Coca~Cola.
What you need to do is, if you’re a woman, stare wistfully at nothing. At most this will get you the attention of a gentleman; at least, it is a good pose for photos. People will look at you and think, “Gee, she seems interesting.” People who look like they have problems are the most interesting people. People who look insanely happy are usually the people you want to avoid because all they’re going to do is brag about why their life is so wonderful. You have martinis to drink and people to flirt with, you don’t have time for their bullshit. Besides, you wrote and directed a hit play, so you’re not sweating it either.
What you need to do is, you need to have fun, like this extra. Who is she? How did she get this role? All she does in this film is dance. Maybe she has one line. Did she know someone? Was she a popular model of the times? Did they see her headshot and think, “I bet she dances like a nutjob and she kind of looks like Cher, get her agent on the phone.” Did she have an agent? Who cares? Look at the joy. If only we all had that joy. Just try it. Go through life like you’re a dancing extra in a movie about sexy Europeans in sunglasses. What could be the harm?
This is so awesome, I’m at a loss for words
Thank you!
Foreign movies are so cool, have you ever seen Pierrot Le Fou by Godard?
I can’t tell if this comment is sarcastic or not. Either way, yes, foreign movies are really cool. I loved Dogtooth, best film of the year.
I <3 Alain Delon
He’s pretty amazing. Didn’t age very well though. 🙁
“Go through life like you’re a dancing extra in a movie about sexy Europeans in sunglasses.”
I can’t believe no one ever told me this before.
Best. Advice. Ever.
SK
I’m so glad!
This is the best thing you’ve ever written. I’m pretty sure I’ve said that before but I was wrong. This is it. For reals.