HAVE THE GREATEST SUMMER EVER!! LIKE LISA FRANK PONIES!! PART 1!!!

SUMMER! HOT DOGS! SANTA MONICA PIER! UNIVERSAL STUDIOS! ARTIC KISS COCKTAIL (CHAMPAGNE WITH VODKA)! STRAPPY HEELS! INDIE BANDS IN CONCERT! DIRTY SUNGLASSES! WHERE DID WE PARK THE CAR! SUMMER!

Every day is a chance to have the best day of your life. So why not have the best summer of your life? NO ROXY BOARD SHORTS ALLOWED (unless you surf) — THAT’S NOT HOW WE’RE GOING TO DO SUMMER 2010!

In this first part, I’m going to advise you on how to handle those summer parties. You know the kind: there’s like 200 kids from 200 different social circles and there’s a DJ but he’s basically irrelevant because the party is so loud. HELL YEAH!

The most important thing to keep in mind at these parties: BRING YOUR OWN ALCOHOL. Yes, they will provide alcohol, but by the time you get there, it will likely only be keg beer. Don’t have a problem with that? THEN GO FOR IT, STAR! But if you’re like me and would rather not waste the calories, then you’ve GOT TO PLAN AHEAD. Had I realized this I would not have been culminating a buzz on Malibu Rum — THAT SHOULD NOT BE STRAIGHT UP, UGH. Bring little adorable bottles of alcohol, like the kind that Jack got on the airplane before the whole series culminated in a stupid-ass finale that disappointed millions! WE HAVE TO GO BACK, KATE — to drinking stylishly! And what better accessory is there than an adorable little bottle of Southern Comfort?

Now keep in mind that these parties are more often than not going to look like an Urban Outfitters expo. THAT’S OK, FUCK THAT, DRESS LIKE A SUCCESS. Wear that cocktail dress with that cocktail ring and put on those Vera Wang heels — HOWEVER, DO REALIZE THAT IT WILL BE HARD TO WALK DOWN AND UP HILLS AND STEPS AND THAT YOUR HEEL MAY GET CAUGHT IN BETWEEN THE SLATS OF A POORLY MADE WOODEN BALCONY AND YOU MAY SEE YOUR LIFE FLASH BEFORE YOUR EYES AND ALL YOU’LL SEE IS THAT TIME YOU DIDN’T BUY THOSE PAIR OF KILLER MARC BY MARC JACOB HEELS AT DSW AND IF YOU’RE OK WITH SEEING THAT, THEN GO FOR IT, SUPERSTAR!

Now here comes the fun part: socializing! Be sure to go a party that is full of struggling actors and/or comedians because the best thing about this group is that they NEVER ask you what you do for a living because everyone is so insecure and so worried that you’re doing better than they are that they don’t even want to know! It’s awesome!! It’s also best to go to these parties not holding grudges. Because it’s summer, and you’re young and attractive, and grudges just aren’t becoming. Who cares if you’ve screwed the entire ’09 Groundlings Comedy Troup? GET OVER IT, IT’S SUMMER! (I haven’t done this, btw. I don’t usually dig improv guys. SORRY! They’re just so…on. But there are a few out there who are worth your time — GO AFTER THOSE, SUPERSTAR!)

And finally, stay true to yourself. If you feel like Cher Horowitz at a Valley party, just say so! Which is what I did last night and inadvertently said it in front of one of the hosts — BUT GUESS WHAT, HE’S INTO IMPROV, SO HE TOTALLY RAN WITH IT! HUZZAH!

I’m not saying you should be ungrateful, I’m just saying, don’t be fake. If you’re going to be fake you may as well just sit at home. HAVE FUN, DON’T DRIVE DRUNK, AND BE KIND!

xoxo,

YOU FRIENDS AT APOCALYPSTICK (Me!!!)

P.S. Sorry if it’s not summer where you live! You can still apply these ways of thinking to any other social event. Because any way you want it, that’s the way you need it — any way you want it! ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCINO!

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9 thoughts on “HAVE THE GREATEST SUMMER EVER!! LIKE LISA FRANK PONIES!! PART 1!!!

  1. Alishahndra

    Thanks for the positive energy; I am moving to L.A. in 2 weeks in order to persue an acting career, and I totally AM about to have the best summer ever: throwing dinner parties, going to the beach and generally starting my life over…I can’t wait! I hope you (continue to) have a wonderful summer as well!

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      Remember me when you’re famous! (P.S. Famous to me includes having 2 lines on Scrubs. Additional P.S. Is that show still on?)

  2. Cate

    I LOVE YOUR BLOG!!!! It always brighten up my day : )

    I have to say that after reading this the first I though is β€œ I have to pick the ingredients for an Arctic kiss cocktail on my way home”.

    Keep up the good work!

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      try to get Finnish Vodka! That makes it ~~arctic~~

      I used stoli though because that’s what roger sterling uses.

      anyway, thanks!

  3. MB

    You are hilarious. I was having a semi-mopey night but you’ve made me laugh so many times that now I’m happy enough again to go get a beer and watch Murder, She Wrote. (Don’t judge – I want to be Jessica Fletcher when I grow up). Thanks for writing!

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      Hey! Thank you! That’s fantastic to hear! I’m having a mopey night too, but I go the champagne and King of the Hill route (don’t judge.)

      xoxo

  4. Pingback: HAVE THE GREATEST SUMMER EVER!! LIKE ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCINOS!! PART 2!!! β€” A P O C A L Y P S T I C K

  5. Andrew

    But what about us guys? What are we gonna wear? Cocktail dresses aren’t gonna do us an ounce of good πŸ™

    1. Almie Rose Post author

      I know, I’m sorry Andrew. I value my male readers so to you guys I say just dress like Kanye! Also NO BOARD SHORTS.

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