Category Archives: HAVE THE GREATEST SUMMER EVER!

The Summer Fling I Never Had

summer fling

I’ve never had a summer fling. Those kids from Grease make it sound like such fun! If I had a summer fling, I imagine his name would be Jacques and his hair would be as dark as a David Lynch film. We’d meet in a hilarious and adorable way, like perhaps he accidentally took my drink at Starbucks, and I would tease him for thinking my name was anything like his, and he’d have a fiery French temper but an English wit, and he’d say something like, “I deeply apologize for the horror I caused; let me make it up to you.”

And he’d make it up to me by picking me up at my hotel (yes, I’m suddenly on vacation, it’s summer, where else would I be) on his Vespa, and I’d be very nervous at the prospect of riding on a Vespa, and he would say, “Shhh, I steer her well.” And I’d trust him, because that’s what you do when you’re on vacation in a fantasyland. You trust the guy with the Vespa.

I’d cling to him as we’d zip throughout the city, all the way out to the beach, where he’d procure wine and cheese from his Vespa. Oh, and there’s a blanket, somehow. Somehow he fit a blanket, because he’s magical Jacques. We’d sit on the blanket and drink wine and he wouldn’t ask me even once, “So what do you do for a living” because he knows such questions are mundane and boring and make me fret about my future. We’d exchange rapid-fire banter like we were in a Nora Ephron film, or hell, an episode of Gilmore Girls. It would be the exact mental stimulation I’d need. He’d keep me on my pedicured toes and then we’d dive in to the water, together, and I wouldn’t feel self conscious about my “bikini body” because he’s already make it clear that he thinks I am the most beautiful woman on Earth. I’d point out that Charlize Theron is also on planet Earth, and he’d say, “Shhhh” and then blow confetti out of his palm.

Because whimsy.

After the beach he’d drop me off at my hotel, always the gentleman, so that I could change for dinner. We’d go somewhere where men are required to wear a jacket and tie — that’s how you know this is a fantasy, as such places don’t exist anymore. But we’d find it and we’d go there, and I would eat and eat and drink and drink and dinner would feel like our own little Disneyland; a place where we can have fun and be indulgent and no one can judge us. He would insist on ordering one dessert with two forks, and the most magical thing about this meal is that at no point during the meal do we ever check our phones, not even once.

I suppose we’d make love that night, and I say “make love” because that’s what he would say, and the best part is, it wouldn’t sound cheesy or creepy or weird. He’d have that uncanny ability to utter the phrase, “shall we make love” and have it sound as though it were a brilliant and novel idea.

And we’d repeat this every day, sometimes changing it up and going to wine tastings, sometimes just spending the whole day in bed, sometimes just wandering around whatever made up city we’re in, and I would never have to plan anything and he’d insist on paying for almost everything, because he’s old school. He’s so old school he’d drape his jacket over a puddle and insist I walk upon it, and I wouldn’t at first, but he’d beg, and I’d say, “C’est la vie” and he’d roll his eyes and call me a “typical American” and we’d bicker but there’s so much passion there that we’d probably wind up eloping by the end of my vacation and we’d realize it was a very very bad mistake but neither of us would want to admit it, so we’d stayed married for 10 years while he had numerous affairs and I pretended not to notice.

Ah, don’t you just love summer flings?!

 

Originally posted on The Gaggle, by me. Photo by Gordon Parks via LIFE photo archives for Google.

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Summer Goals

summer goals

So, you wanna have the greatest summer ever? Why not set some summer goals? You know, little (or big) things (or thing) you want to accomplish over the summer. It will make your summer that much more rewarding, like a Hufflepuff getting house points!

My summer goal was to be a circus bear. Then I was told that is impossible, so I have revised my summer goal. My new summer goal is to be able to fit back into my “Betty Draper dress”, as seen here, a few years ago:

summer

SOON.

In 2005, my friend Kelly and I made summer goals. Her goal was to eat an entire pizza. Mine was to make out with the lead singer of Louis XIV. Remember them? They had that big song, “Finding Out True Love Is Blind.” The lead singer sounded like Mick Jagger, but didn’t look like him, so I assumed it would be an easy summer goal. Guess who completed their summer goal???? It was Kelly, obviously. The good thing about Kelly is she knew not to fly too close to the sun.

That’s important to keep in mind when making your summer goal. You want your goal to be attainable, otherwise, you’re going to be a very sad non-circus bear. Think about which category you want your goal to sit in: health, career, love, or personal growth. Maybe your summer goal is to read a new book every week. Maybe it’s to gather the courage to wear a bathing suit in public. Maybe it’s to tell your boss to go fuck himself. Hey, I don’t know, and I’m not going to judge. I want to help you reach your summer goal!

Every day do something that helps you get to your goal. If, like me, your goal is to fit into something you can’t wear anymore because YOU LACK DISCIPLINE, YOU STODGY JERK, then work out every day. If the goal is to tell the boss to fuck himself, then every day write down 5 creative ways to tell your boss to fuck himself. It’s actually very easy when you break it down!

What’s YOUR summer goal? Tell me in the comments, and I’ll try to help you achieve it!

XOXO,

EVERYONE AT APOCALYPSTICK! (Me.)

Photo: Gordon Parks via LIFE Photo Archive for Google.

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HAVE THE GREATEST SUMMER EVER!! LIKE A BACKSTREET BOYS SONG!! PART 3!!!

I’ve given you tips on what to wear to your greatest summer ever and how to have the greatest summer parties ever but now I’m going to a final hint on how to conquer this summer: it’s all in your mind. “Having the greatest anything” is all a state of mind. You have to realize that you can do anything you want. It’s like our greatest childhood heroes LeVar Burton and Yoda told us. Well, LeVar didn’t actually sing, “I can be anything” but he did host Reading Rainbow. Yoda actually did say, “Do or not; there is no try.” Do you see how these two comments are related? Are you going to say something cynical like, “Yeah they’re both written by Hollywood writers who got stupidly rich off of children’s dreams”? You could say that, sure. Or you could look at it a different way and say, “Yes, I see. They both say that if I apply myself and believe in myself, and work hard, I can do anything!” Or something. You can connect the dots however you like. That’s the beauty of it! I’m not going to tell you how to do things or how to look at things. But I’m going to help you realize that you can have it all. Anything you want, you can make it yours. Anything you want it the world. Yes, I quoted a pop song just now, but Shakira and “Weezy” were really onto something powerful.

You can go anywhere or do anything already thinking that it’s going to be awesome and it will be. That’s how you have the best anything ever. Sure, there are times when you feel like taking 3 vicodin and calling it an evening while crying into your pillow but these times will pass. Go out, stay in, do what you feel is going to give you the best time out of your life. What are you doing with those cigarettes you picked up? Give those away. People love free cigarettes! If you hand them out at parties you will become the most popular person there. Then take whatever’s leftover, dump water on them, and throw them away. They will only make you look ugly. Maybe not now. Maybe now you look cool. But no one has ever smoked cigarettes long term and looked better than before they started.

You want to have the best summer ever? Do it. Do it now. Do whatever makes you feel good. Don’t workout because “you’re supposed to” do it because of the high you get when you’re finished. Do it because it makes you feel powerful. If you want to eat Egg McMuffins a few times a week instead of a “proper breakfast” then do that too. This is your summer. There is no shame in enjoying the small pleasures life has to offer. Because life can really fuck with you if you let it. But life can also offer you friends to talk to and places to go dancing. I know it might hurt now. I know you may not believe me that you really can have the best time of your life. Let me believe it for you. Then maybe you can believe it for me. Now go out and have fun.

California Gurls vs. Tik Tok (Does anyone know who I can credit this mash-up to?)

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HAVE THE GREATEST SUMMER EVER!! LIKE ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCINOS!! PART 2!!!

In Part 1 we talked about attending summer parties. Now let’s talk about how we’re going to dress this summer. This summer is all about dressing for success. You want to wear what’s comfortable or you want to wear what’s ridiculous. There is no in-between. You’re either going to wear that oversized Garfield t-shirt you’ve had since fifth grade or you’re going to wear your new vintage cocktail dress with fishnet tights and 90s Nine West boots. Don’t get stuck in the middle. The middle is nowhere. The middle is American Apparel, head-to-toe Urban Outfitters, or an uninspired outfit from the mall. AND THAT’S NOT HOW WE HAVE A GREAT SUMMER. No, no, we want to dress like Oberon or Puck from A Midsummer Night’s Dream meets Kylie Minogue. French 1960s cinema with a Kanye twist. Sexy George Washington. These are looks we should be going for.

Because it’s about more than what you wear. It’s about how brave you are. Or how creative. Or how fun. Or how strong. It’s about taking what’s inside you at this very moment and putting it on your body and face. (Don’t forget the makeup! Or sunscreen!) Don’t forget to dress for you, for how you really want. What was it Queen said? They said, “SHOW MUST GO ON.” Maybe you’re dying on the inside. Maybe you’re filled with rage. Or maybe you’re just filled with too much Chipotle. SHOW MUST GO ON. Good music and good summer fun can turn it all around. New clothes, vintage clothes, thrifted clothes, mall clothes, any clothes can make you feel better. Now say it with me, what did Queen say? I WANT TO RIDE MY BICYCLE, I WANT TO RIDE MY BIKE.

“But Apocalypstick, I’m not going to any summer parties!” Hey, you + one other person + this current month = summer party! A party isn’t about how many people are there (though at least three is best) it’s about your attitude. You could dress up and walk into a Costco and make that a summer party. What not? Free samples are like appetizers! Go up to your fellow shoppers and thank them for coming! You’ve got the magic in you!

It’s great to buy things. The right clothing purchase can save your life.

Heartless — Kanye West

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HAVE THE GREATEST SUMMER EVER!! LIKE LISA FRANK PONIES!! PART 1!!!

SUMMER! HOT DOGS! SANTA MONICA PIER! UNIVERSAL STUDIOS! ARTIC KISS COCKTAIL (CHAMPAGNE WITH VODKA)! STRAPPY HEELS! INDIE BANDS IN CONCERT! DIRTY SUNGLASSES! WHERE DID WE PARK THE CAR! SUMMER!

Every day is a chance to have the best day of your life. So why not have the best summer of your life? NO ROXY BOARD SHORTS ALLOWED (unless you surf) — THAT’S NOT HOW WE’RE GOING TO DO SUMMER 2010!

In this first part, I’m going to advise you on how to handle those summer parties. You know the kind: there’s like 200 kids from 200 different social circles and there’s a DJ but he’s basically irrelevant because the party is so loud. HELL YEAH!

The most important thing to keep in mind at these parties: BRING YOUR OWN ALCOHOL. Yes, they will provide alcohol, but by the time you get there, it will likely only be keg beer. Don’t have a problem with that? THEN GO FOR IT, STAR! But if you’re like me and would rather not waste the calories, then you’ve GOT TO PLAN AHEAD. Had I realized this I would not have been culminating a buzz on Malibu Rum — THAT SHOULD NOT BE STRAIGHT UP, UGH. Bring little adorable bottles of alcohol, like the kind that Jack got on the airplane before the whole series culminated in a stupid-ass finale that disappointed millions! WE HAVE TO GO BACK, KATE — to drinking stylishly! And what better accessory is there than an adorable little bottle of Southern Comfort?

Now keep in mind that these parties are more often than not going to look like an Urban Outfitters expo. THAT’S OK, FUCK THAT, DRESS LIKE A SUCCESS. Wear that cocktail dress with that cocktail ring and put on those Vera Wang heels — HOWEVER, DO REALIZE THAT IT WILL BE HARD TO WALK DOWN AND UP HILLS AND STEPS AND THAT YOUR HEEL MAY GET CAUGHT IN BETWEEN THE SLATS OF A POORLY MADE WOODEN BALCONY AND YOU MAY SEE YOUR LIFE FLASH BEFORE YOUR EYES AND ALL YOU’LL SEE IS THAT TIME YOU DIDN’T BUY THOSE PAIR OF KILLER MARC BY MARC JACOB HEELS AT DSW AND IF YOU’RE OK WITH SEEING THAT, THEN GO FOR IT, SUPERSTAR!

Now here comes the fun part: socializing! Be sure to go a party that is full of struggling actors and/or comedians because the best thing about this group is that they NEVER ask you what you do for a living because everyone is so insecure and so worried that you’re doing better than they are that they don’t even want to know! It’s awesome!! It’s also best to go to these parties not holding grudges. Because it’s summer, and you’re young and attractive, and grudges just aren’t becoming. Who cares if you’ve screwed the entire ’09 Groundlings Comedy Troup? GET OVER IT, IT’S SUMMER! (I haven’t done this, btw. I don’t usually dig improv guys. SORRY! They’re just so…on. But there are a few out there who are worth your time — GO AFTER THOSE, SUPERSTAR!)

And finally, stay true to yourself. If you feel like Cher Horowitz at a Valley party, just say so! Which is what I did last night and inadvertently said it in front of one of the hosts — BUT GUESS WHAT, HE’S INTO IMPROV, SO HE TOTALLY RAN WITH IT! HUZZAH!

I’m not saying you should be ungrateful, I’m just saying, don’t be fake. If you’re going to be fake you may as well just sit at home. HAVE FUN, DON’T DRIVE DRUNK, AND BE KIND!

xoxo,

YOU FRIENDS AT APOCALYPSTICK (Me!!!)

P.S. Sorry if it’s not summer where you live! You can still apply these ways of thinking to any other social event. Because any way you want it, that’s the way you need it — any way you want it! ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCINO!

The Return Of Alejandro (Robin Skouteris Mix) — Lady GaGa vs. Ace of Base vs. Kalomira

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