I wonder who would go to my funeral if I died. Legit dead. Water skiing accident. I don’t know how to water ski, hence the death. It kind of bums me out that I don’t have a boyfriend or husband who would show up to mourn. I know, I know, this is lame-ass or even ass-lame. No one I’ve ever dated would show up either. I don’t even know how they would hear about it. I guess my friends know that if I’ve gone a few days without tweeting, something’s wrong. I think I need to fake my death and then right when everyone has shown up and is very sad, I would pop out of a cake. Are there cakes at funerals? I want a cake at mine. Just wheel out a big fake cake instead of a casket and I’ll just pop out smiling like Debbie Reynolds. And then I wonder, will people actually be relieved to see that I’m not dead? Or would someone think, “Damn, so close”? I need a mortal enemy. All good bloggers have a mortal enemy. There are people on YouTube who tell me I’m ugly, does that count? Then there are people on Vyou who insist that I am a man and that I should, “Punch myself in the dick.” Let me tell you, internets, if I had a dick first thing I would do is punch it, just for giggles. Just to see what happens.
So anyway, I’m dead and I wonder, how long would that novelty last? I think people are finally over Heath Ledger’s death and he was a legit celeb. My death would make people sad for…I don’t even know if I could wrangle a month. Sure, my family would be sad, but my family is sad anyway. I just want a boyfriend to cry in the rain, chasing a cat, tearing his shirt off, screaming for me. I think I deserve that much.
Wait this cute guy just sat down next to me at Starbucks. That’s encouraging. Should I ask him if he would pretend to be sad when I died? Like exchange numbers so that when I die he shows up and tells everyone that he’s my secret lover? Would that work? I need a fake secret lover pact. But only with someone hot.
I think trolls definitely can’t count as a mortal enemy. A mortal enemy or arch nemesis has to be a worthy opponent and at least marginally intelligent, and anyone calling you ugly or a man is clearly none of these. Especially if they tell you to punch yourself in the non-existant dick. Everyone knows the non-existant balls is the place to aim. Also, I think a giant cake reveal would be appropriate for a fake funeral/death. They really should have utilized that on Pushing Daisies.
You’re not allowed to die. I love you too much and would totally miss you and cry and stuff. And I hate crying, so don’t be a bitch and die. K?
Yes, clearly *I* am the one who needs to chill out. While I can understand how the incredibly serious nature of my tone might be confusing (Pretty much all serious official documents say “and stuff” and “K?” ALL THE TIME, and I’m pretty sure they both show up in the Bible with alarming regularity), I assure you that my post takes place within the same fictional joke realm as Almie’s original blog.
Don’t get me wrong, I do love Almie dearly and will absolutely miss her terribly when that day comes, but it’s not like I think there’s any risk of her dying tomorrow or anything. For one thing, she’s entirely too lazy to take her own life and would procrastinate until she died of natural causes anyway.
But when that dark day comes, I shall bake cupcakes for her funeral and eulogize about how thin she was (she would have LOVED that) and do my damnedest to ensure that the secret code word (“Lou Reed”) lives on after her death, because that’s just what friends do.
But again, this is all in the same fictional joke universe that Almie’s original blog lives in, so you can rest assured that all is well in River City and that there is no need to defend her honor Karate Kid Part II-style.
In the meantime, friend, it seems to me that something in my post did you a great evil and for that I am truly sorry. Whatever it was, I’m sure we can talk it out. Just show me on the doll where the internet touched you.
Also, I’ve taken the liberty of putting together a list of research material so that you might not get so enraged by a computer screen on a Sunday morning in the future.
Enjoy!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sarcasm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Irony
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Humour
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Irony
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fiction
I don’t know what that was. That was very, very weird.
I’m not going to delete this comment because it’s so good.
I’m okay with that, as long as you explain to our viewers that your “Very, very weird” comment wasn’t directed at what appears to be an insane rant on my part. Publicly endorse me, damn it!
I totally support your request for cake at a funeral. I believe cake would be fully welcomed.
Eddie Izzard asked ‘cake or death’. Why choose? Cake and death. Lovely.
And, as I’m in a similar situation, also, fake sexy secret lover pact.
Song recommendation for cake/funeral/fake lover references….
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kQliRNdiV8o
Only really pretty people get called ugly. No one calls an ugly person ugly; that’s just mean. It’s like when people say Gwyneth Paltrow or someone is ugly. Like, really? I would never publicly claim that any celebrity (internet or otherwise) is ugly, because it just so obviously reeks of sour grapes.
You are sooo not ugly! All week long I’ve been worrying about haters… but you seem to embrace them. That’s really inspiring.
Don’t ever die.
PS If I die tomorrow… I want them to play Rod Stewart’s “Forever Young” against a backdrop of the best pictures of my face fading in and out of a timeline sequenced Powerpoint. (Well at least that’s what they did for my graduating class on the last day of high school… but everyone was alive there, so it didn’t mean as much.)
AHAHAHA THAT SLIDE SHOW, THAT IS BRILLIANT. If I die tomorrow I want a video montage of me drunk, in slow motion, to the Beatles “In My Life.”
I love my haters, they only make me stronger, like Voldemort.
The timing of this post is horrible.
Talk about creepy… I guess the timing would be worse if you died first. But Amy Winehouse tears at my heart strings nonetheless.
I am so fucking sad. I loved her. You?
Well I’m nowhere near the blogger that you are… but I wrote about my heartache here: lemonthrift.blogspot.com
Really sad.
Re: death cakes
When I was little, I thought you sent out invites for funerals. What, I don’t see what’s wrong with “You are cordially invited to Noelle’s death! BYOB!”
I am sue a lot of people would be sad if you died. Don’t be too hard on yourself. I for one will never get over losing Heath. I am a fan since 1997 and I had the pleasure of working with him. He lived up to my expectations and beyond. I miss him.
This is amazing. I have had similar thoughts many a time, but then I realized that 1. I have no real desire to actually die, as then I would be unable to see who would mourn me/regret their poor treatment of me, which is really the whole point ,and that 2. faking my death would just make people think I was even more desperate than they had always suspected, and upon my revival everyone would probably think I was a huge asshole for faking my death. You really can’t win in this world. Unless you’re Dick Whitman, that is.
That Dick Whitman has shit figured out.
I have a friend who broke up with her boyfriend because he was a psycho and he then faked his own death to get back at her. He actually staged a fucking funeral and had all of his family and friends in on this “joke” and when it came time for someone to come out and say a few words, the dude came out and was like “I hope you’re sorry you broke up with me NOW, MEGAN!”. Faking your own death is fucked up, yo.
Although, I do think it would have been the greatest thing ever if Andy Kaufman would have come out at the end of Man On The Moon and been all “Gotcha!”.
PLEASE tell me you have proof of this.
Sadly, no. She wouldn’t let me keep the funeral program thingy because despite my argument (the while completely fucked up) it was still kind of awesome, she insisted that I was a monster if I kept that remember of it all. Women. Amiright?
I think about my funeral all the time. Maybe I should put in my will that they play “The Funeral” by Band of Horses at it. That would be so meta and meta is in right now so that would make my death in. But if I die in like 50 years it would actually really depressing that I hung onto the past that long.
Wow…as the owner of one, can I just say that dick-punching is *not cool*? Thanks.
I kid you not, as I am reading this, I turned on Friends, and the episode where Chandler says Ross is dead on an alumni website is on – then Ross has a memorial service to see who comes to it, and the hot chick comes and says she had a crush on him, so he jumps out of the bedroom to try to get a date…
so you are not alone in your wondering…or in bizarre timing…
I feel like if I were out at Starbucks and some dude were to be all, “Hey, when I die can you come to my funeral and say we were mad crazy lovers.” I’d say yes. I mean, why the hell not? Bring a bodyguard j.i.c though. You don’t know if he’s got any crazies in his life (but in that case, I feel like the same rule could apply to all first and maybe second dates?)
But to the main topic, I’ve always wondered this after everyone forgets my birthday and doesn’t show up. Like, “Hmm, you don’t celebrate when I became alive, would you celebrate when I died? Is it that you all secretly hate me? Or am I just pulling a Kirsten Dunst via Elizabethtown and being all ‘Hard to remember but impossible to forget’ type of deal?” I, sadly, will never know the truth.
I’m telling you, fake funeral is the way to go.
Fuck it. Why not.
But should I die suddenly or from some crazy disease? Because I only have about a month and a half to plan this out.
Die mysteriously.
Quick and pointless, that’s the death for me.
Actually, ever since I learned that “Death My Misadventure” is a legit thing that you can have as a cause of death on your death certificate, it’s been a goal of mine.
I feel like “Death by Misadventure” goes on a lot of death certificates in areas heavily populated by rednecks.
I’ve got it.
I’m going to “go out for cigarettes” and never come back. Then when they can’t find me at all and I’m presumed dead I can come back and that way if someone accuses me of faking my own death I’ll be able to say that they just assumed I was dead and we all know what happens when people assume.
But I’ll take a quick head count while I’m there to see how much I am loved. Win-win.
This is one of my favorite of your posts. You are gorgeous and you cannot die until you finish writing your book.
I’d love to see who’d come to my funeral. Reminds me of George Bluth’s funeral on Arrested Development where he is watching from the air duct. Similarly, I like to imagine all my exes inexplicably gathered together on a “Dating Game” type show and asked questions about my talents in bed.
Really, I wrote about it.
The fact that you call it “Pop Pop” tells me you’re not ready.
I would go to your funeral, especially if there was cake. But I would expect a song and dance, Charleston included.
side not from whatever the fuck dramz just happened
http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lp88cmUdkg1qewmamo1_500.gif
lol at that
LOL at that indeed!
Also, that dramz was the result of someone pretending to be Almie’s dad (which is just creepy), telling me to die and never come back to this blog, and then me running with the comments that were made and essentially handing them their ass.
Everything is totally cool! Sort of hope that Almie will delete all that when she gets a chance to, though. I look like a random crazy person to those not in the know, and my crazy is anything but random.
Turns out that one of my brother’s friends was playing a goof. Thank God because I was really freaked out.
This is where all that dick-punching you’re supposed to be doing will come in handy!
I think red velvet cake would be most fitting for a funeral, if you’re taking suggestions. Especially if the water skiing accident involved getting sucked into a boat propeller.
If you legit died, I would be legit sad. Not just sad, but like…. oh I don’t know, crying my eyes out drinking under age to stop the sadness sad. Heath Ledger is NOTHING compared to you. YOU are a legend! In my mind at least? Can Heath Ledger do a kick-ass Betty Draper impression? Well, yeah, he probably could. But could he cry with a kitten by his side and a tiara on his head? I don’t think so. HA!
Hi,
I just want to tell you something….
You look like the girl that what’s his face (guy who plays Shaggy in the scoobie doo movies) dates at the end of SLC Punk… Do you know who I am talking about?
Wait, I remember.. Matthew Lillard. Have you seen SLC PUNK?
Anyway, you look like that girl at the end of the movie he meets at that party… She’s super pretty and has strong bone structure. Did you happen to play her?
I just thought of this when you said you’d punch yourself in the dick if you had one, it seems like something that girl would do.
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who has morbid thoughts like this. I literally had this exact same conversation with myself the other day (okay full disclosure, I figuratively had this exact same conversation with myself the other day). Especially now that I live alone. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE living alone. It’s blissful and peaceful and wonderful and every other kind of ful that you can possibly imagine, right down to full of dirty dishes comma sink because I don’t have any bitch roommates to answer to. But like…yeah. What if I died? It would be pretty obvious when I didn’t show up at work, so I’m not really worried about rotting away for any significant period of time. But isn’t it sad that the fact that I have a retail job would be the reason people would figure out if I died?
Also, while we’re on the subject of dick punches, yesterday I saw two little boys on the train, and one made like he was about to hug the other and then punched him in the dick instead and I laughed for about AN HOUR.
No wonder nobody would come to my funeral.
feel like this applies. but in an affectionate way?
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=lwg