I’m sorry I’ve been updating so infrequently. I’ve had some sad sandwich in my life. Sad sandwich is my new way of saying, “There are so many shitty things going on in my life right now that I don’t want to talk about” because I think that sounds better. Feel free to use it. Confuse everyone!
I’ve said this before, so I’ll say it again, because it’s my fucking blog: I want a wedding but I don’t want a marriage. At least not the way my country (or is it culture?) defines marriage. The problem with marriage is the whole, “‘Till death to us part” thing. Name one thing in your life that you are confident you will love from this point until you die. For the longest time I thought I loved cheeseburgers, then I briefly went vegan. Now I’m back to eating meat and loving it, but I am still surprised that there was a period in my life in which I detested it. However, I think there is one exception. I think that people can have lifelong friends, and here’s why: you don’t have sex with your friends (or you have sex with your friends like once or twice and only because you’re both hung up on other people). Once you bring sex into it, everything changes. “I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS.” Me too, Mugatu. Me too. That’s what sex does.
I hate people who break up and say that they’ll always love the person they broke up with. Oh, okay. I guess love is not all you need. You think I’m naive for saying, “If you love each other, why isn’t that enough”? Well I think you’re naive for saying marriage vows and believing in them. I think the best way to ruin a relationship is by marrying someone. And now you’re going to tell me, “You’re wrong, I’m married and I’m happy and I cry rainbows and blah blah blah.” Okay, fine. I’m sure that’s true. But what about ten years from now? Twenty? You know those earnest wedding toasts where the young groom tells his young bride how excited he is to spend the rest of his life with her? Yeah, I don’t think he realizes what the rest of their lives could entail.
Here’s how I think marriage should work: it should be like leasing a car. You’re with a person for a set amount of time, maybe a year or four. Then after that period of time you decide whether or not you want to extend the marriage. And if you do, you sign a type if marriage lease. I think that this would help eliminate divorce. Marriage is a contract anyway, so why not make it something you can decide to renew or cancel?
What is so crazy about that? There’s a dude who married a video game character and yet God forbid gay people get married. It’s because marriage is a completely fucked institution.
Look, here’s the thing: I am not saying I will never get married. I’m young and I have no idea what my life is going to be like. I can’t even picture what next week looks like. But if I marry someone, I want to make damn sure that it’s for the right reasons and that I am aware of all the things they do that annoy me and that I can handle it for 10+ years before I sign up. And fuck I want the dress, I want the party, I want the photos, I want the ring. I’m thinking about buying my own engagement ring. Yes, I know that’s sad. I don’t care. Kanye probably has diamond fucking Adidas, I should be allowed to wear my own diamond engagement ring without being pitied.
Or what I will do, when I really find the right person, is to have a non-wedding wedding. We’ll have the party, the dress, the photos but we won’t sign a certificate. We’ll call it an “Us” party or an anniversary party. We celebrate our own birthdays, so why not celebrate our own relationships? Unless you’re an asshole. If you’re an asshole and you’re inviting me to your “look-h0w-happy-I-am” couples party, go fuck yourself.
I don’t know. I just think it’s all so fucking serious. Monogamy doesn’t have to be serious. It should be fun, it should be wonderful, it should elate you, it should be goddamn fucking Disneyland, and if it’s not, I am peacing the fuck out.
Us (Me and Mrs. Officer) — My Sick Uncle (Lil Wayne/Regina Spektor mashup)
Completely agree with wanting the wedding without the whole marriage thing! I’ll daydream about centerpieces and the like, realize that most men don’t appreciate flowery and lacey, and start to butch up imaginary wedding. I get into the idea of wood and nautical touches, but then I start to feel disappointed. This wedding isn’t me! I’m changing my dreams and settling for some asshole who doesn’t even exist.
I think this all means that I should never marry.
My wife felt the same way, partially because her own parents had given her such a nasty view of marriage, partially because of the whole “til you die” thing. Even after I readily agreed to an open marriage, she still balked. I tired of asking her to marry me, and finally just told her that I was ready when she was. I told her she’d have to ask me because I’d never know when she was ready, and I had put myself out on the crumbly cliff edge of ego enough times for her already.
After four years of living together and moving across country together, she finally asked me. I told her she had to do it right, and I wanted a diamond. A couple of months later she took me to a nice hotel, wined and dined me, got down on one knee, and gave me a diamond earring.
May of this year will mark 25 years since we met (in person; we met online back when dinosaurs roamed the earth), and our 20th wedding anniversary.
Give it time, don’t push it, and you’ll figure out when it is right. Until then, have fun. And then after you’re married, have fun. We do.
(For the record, we haven’t exercised the “open” option of our marriage for many years. Didn’t want to come off all swinger creepy here.)
A marriage lease is a surprisingly good idea, only surprising because nobody seems to have thought of it before; in fact, it could really raise the stakes in marriages that have gone stagnant. I could totally see couples all of a sudden sparking up their relationship & wining & dining each other again as the expiration date approaches. I have a minor disagreement on an otherwise excellent post: I don’t think that the problems gays/lesbians are experiencing getting equal marriage rights has anything to do with the institution itself; that’s just common bigotry from idiots. But I suspect we’re mostly on the same page there anyway.
A limited-time marriage contract with optional renewal has been proposed in any number of science fiction and fantasy novels/worlds, exactly as our gracious hostess has described, more or less. Some of them even specifically rule out or specifically allow children for some/all of each marriage term. The idea has been fairly well-explored in fiction.
I wasn’t aware that the idea had already been written about, but I’m not surprised. Especially that it’s only been written about in sci-fi/fantasy. Those books have the best ideas for how we should live our lives. We need Ray Bradbury shit up in 2011.
I think the problem with marriage these days is that no one realizes just how much work it is. Our society is lazy. We want everything handed to us on a silver platter and when we have to actually earn something, we run away in terror. I’m not married, nor am I in a relationship. But I have had an example of a good marriage set for me, I have great parents, and I do know that marriage is more than saying “I do” and living happily ever after. Sometimes you have to work for your happily ever after.
My parents’ 25th wedding anniversary is coming up. My siblings and I keep trying to get them to have a wedding reception-like party, because no one wants to get married but we all love weddings.
I have to agree with Leah, I think that a lot of people don’t realize that marriage is a LOT of work to maintain. I also think that a lot of people are starting to get married younger again, which is interesting because the trend up until recently was that people were waiting longer and longer to get married. I know a lot of people who are engaged/married/have kids and I’m only 23 — and most of them are not “shotgun” weddings. They’re people who actually wanted to get married in their very early 20s. I wonder why that is? Or maybe that’s just my personal experience and the rest of the world isn’t following that trend.
Surely a cousin of Dead Sandwich: Boring guy, mostly the type that has nothing to say and or says very little.
A marriage lease is the best goddamn idea I have ever fucking heard of. Amen.
Hell yeah!!!
that whole marriage lease is EXACTLY how I’ve always though marriage should work too. I think the idea came from the simpsons? that episode in the future where the chick says “I dont know Bart, marriage is a 3 year commitment” – I’ve always thought that was an excellent idea. I bet you could write it into your vowels or prenup or something… and then just get married again after that time.
I DONT KNOW but I agree, how the hell will you ever know that you will love a person (or anything) for eternity? I guess that’s where the “faith” and “trust” for the other person come into play blah blah blah.
Whatever, let’s have a giant party where I am the centre of attention and allowed to wear a white dress.
well…since youre kind of into throwing the party without the marriage thing…im going to the bridal expo on sunday…you should go. ahahahahahahahaaa. no really i am though.
im engaged but were in no rush to get married…we will get married when he gets outta school. whats the rush when were gonna be together forever right?
thats another thing thats wrong with people…me and bobby have been together for almost 6 years. were not running to the alter…yeah were engaged but were trying to take our time and do it RIGHT!! if a couple is going to be together forever…why rush to do everything right away? and furthermore…i still shave my legs every single time i see him. yup! if its forever…6 years is REALLY soon to be “giving up”. i dunno…theres that whole thing too.
so yup…bridal expo at the la convention center on sunday…free bridal fashion show, free cake samples, free bridal magazines, a groom catwalk contest (that bobby would NEVER be in), and a free cake dive for brides who want to make fools of themselves while looking for a ring. sounds AWESOME!
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Marriage has never made sense to me. Because who I am now is different from who I will be in 10 years, And the same goes for whoever I marry. I won’t even get a tattoo because I know I’ll probably hate it the following week.
And you cannot possibly tell me that there is only one person you have ever, or will ever love. It’s impossible. Unless you just live in a cave and never meet anyone else or something. And then, well, you’re perfect for marriage.
Preach on sista! I agree with every word you wrote. Especially the diamond engagement band. I can afford it, why can’t I have it?!
Almie, sometimes i just wish so hard that you were the big sister i’ve never had but always wanted. it’s super cheesy, but totally true! i’m always nodding my head the whole time i read your blog, and by the end i feel like i just got a really nice solid advice-talk from someone i’m really close to. that is what your blog does! i never thought i would be so thankful for an internet person!
I don’t think I could have said any of this better. We <3 you Almie!
Ok so is this marriage contract like a “hey, I’m just renting a place that has a yearly lease and then it’s month to month. Score one for me!” or is it an AT&T contract that will suck the everloving soul out of you and wonder why your parents told you that AT&T is the best when they pretty much eat your first born or if you don’t have a kid they eat your ramen noodles.
A very important distinction.
HAHAHAHAHA! You really are the messiah us kid-less noodle eaters are hoping for!
Actually, a marriage lease, as you call it is one of the oldest customs in the book. In ancient Celtic cultures the couple was married for a year and a day, and they could decide after that time if they wanted to make it permanent or go their own separate ways. Some women married several men in their lifetimes, with no repercussions.
oh my god a marriage lease. I am DOING that.
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Wait…I cry rainbows but I’m not married. Do I need to see a specialist about this?
Isn’t the lease period dating?
This idea of a renewable marriage is not a marriage, its just another easy out option.
You get married (and for the record, gay people should have the right to marry) when you find that person that you do want to be with for the rest of your life. You don’t get married because it is time to get married and just hope it works out.
No one is stopping you from having a relationship without a life commitment while maintaining a sense of commitment. Such relationships aren’t called marriage though.
The reason people romanticise marriage so much is because of the commitment and the expectation you will spend the rest of your life with that person. If you don’t want that risk then you don’t want marriage, you want something different.
I want to get married one day. I’m 33 years old and have yet to meet a woman that I am prepared to make a lifelong commitment too. However just because I want marriage doesn’t mean I get to change what it means just because I haven’t found that rare person I can spend the rest of my life with.
It is like me demanding all Marshmallows are made with unsweetened flour simply because I’m diabetic but really want to eat marshmallows. It doesn’t work like that.
All I have to say to this is of course gay people should have the right to marry, and I never meant to imply otherwise.
I have to disagree about the “lease marriage”, for lack of a better term (check out some Arthur C. Clark for examples) is “not a real marriage”. That makes some heavy assumptions about what people should accept as a successful marriage. When did we all unanimously agree that “rest of our lives” was the thing people were most excited about, or that the length of time you stay married was the only indicator of its success or failure? If staying married until you die is the only way to feel you did it right, then marriage is one of the very few activities where death means success. How fucking depressing. What a horrible spin to put on a relationship.
And before you make any assumptions, my parents just celebrated their 34th wedding anniversary. And they are two of the most unhappy people I’ve ever known. They haven’t even shared a bedroom since 1993. Their relationship is a terrible mess, but they would never leave it. Are they successful? Is their marriage more “real” than two people who love each other intensely for 5-10 years, grow apart, get divorced and move on? I fail to see why.
Everyone should have their marriage arranged exactly how best suits the two (?) of them, their hearts and souls and intimacy. And anyone who says it’s not a “real” marriage is just being insecure.
Okay so I am not married and don’t plan on it anytime soon or anything, but I think your marriage lease has some issues with it. The biggest issues being people who get married tend to have kids and buy houses/apts together. Sharing a house is a messy problem when you end up ending your lease and would present a problem, but a bigger problem is the kids. If you have a kid with this other guy, he is going to be in your life for the rest of it whether you like it or not. Thing like shared custody and always having to live near each other deciding who pays for what when he lives with who and all that jazz. that’s kind of a glaring omission that you’re little fantasy does not address, unless you don’t want kids, in which case you can’t really fault other people for getting married. the end
We should probably let all of America know that modern marriages aren’t leases. In fact, I think it would be chaeper and easier to get out of a marriage than it would be to get out of the lease on my house.