That’s not happiness to see me, is it? — Michael Douglas, A Perfect Murder
This year for Yom Kippur bitches better atone to ME. I am DONE. I am not atoning for SHIT. I am the Kanye West of the blogging world. Bitches should be HONORED to atone their sins to ME.
Sometimes I just hate this city. Sometimes I just want to walk outside and just vomit everywhere. Sometimes I can’t be as positive about life as I was in my last post.
I just cannot believe that everything happens for a reason. I think this is something people say when something doesn’t work out for them. Life isn’t an episode of “Lost.” That person you saw at the airport is not going to become the love of your life 3 months later. Life is random and full of dead ends. Things don’t work out the way you think they will. So here’s where your choice comes in: you can accept that it didn’t work out as you thought it would and be okay with it or you can act like an asshole. I have chosen to act like an asshole.
When I was a little kid I thought I would be doing something very different than what I’m doing now. But in all honesty, when I was a little kid, I thought I would be Zorro. I thought that by now I would be running around in a cape with a sword. That didn’t happen. Am I pissed off that I’m not Zorro? Fuck yeah I’m pissed off I’m not Zorro! That’s bullshit! I SHOULD BE ZORRO, FUCK THIS.
I don’t want to be an adult! Except I like the part about drinking. That’s a great part of being an adult. Even though I’m an adult most people think I’m under 21. I got carded at my Nana’s 90th birthday party. The fuck?? And here’s the kicker: I was a year older than the bartender! What’s going on? And why didn’t I get carded today? SOMEONE FUCKING CARD ME.
AND NO, I WILL NOT JUST DANCE. IT IS NOT GOING TO BE OKAY. YOU LOST YOUR KEYS AND YOUR PHONE, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW? YOU’RE DRUNK, GAGA! STOP TRYING TO GIVE ME LIFE ADVICE! YOU CAN’T EVEN REMEMBER THE NAME OF THIS CLUB!
So yeah, I’m done. If Bret Easton Ellis gets to walk around drunk while wearing sunglasses indoors, I should get to do that too. I have nice Polo Ralph Lauren sunglasses and mine are PRESCRIPTION, SO FUCK YOU BRET EASTON ELLIS. I still want to be your best friend though.
Hey, in order to be the voice of my generation, do I actually have to write something? Can’t I just tweet shit and be drunk? I think if Ernest Hemingway had twitter he would stop writing novels. Didn’t he think that the best thing he ever wrote was a six word short story? I REST MY PANTS.
I mean, I totally agree about alcohol really being adulthood’s only redeeming quality. Whenever I feel average or old, I drink. Getting carded makes me feel young and being drunk makes me feel special. Plus, alcohol is really the bridge between quotes like “you have to laugh or else you’ll cry,” because when you drink, there is no ‘or.’ Anything is possible. And this is why no one will hire me to be the “Above the Influence” poster girl.
Oh I do wish you lived here. We could drink together!
jeez, can you just move to london already? i swear to god we would get on so well it’s not even funny.
i find a necessary survival technique for living in london is to pretend i am a character in a bret easton ellis novel approximately 95% of the time. it is remarkably easy.
You have no idea how badly I would love to go to London right now. Or anywhere out of this country. Let’s have a fundraiser!
i can donate…er, 20p. but you can totally sleep on my sofabed!
So, wait, in American money that’s $6,000 right? RIGHT?????
APPROXIMATELY, YES!
The New York Times says we are part of a new generation of emerging adults… who can’t find careers and have to move back in with our parents. Which essentially means that none of us is where we wanted to be. I feel your pain.
At least you have good hair.
Also, the other day I used the word “apocalyptic” while telling a story and it came out “apocalypstick.” I didn’t even notice until I noticed everyone giving me the “what the fuck” face.
Love you so hard. WHY DIDN’T YOU GIVE THEM MY BUSINESS CARD?? THEN YOU COULD HAVE TOTALLY PLAYED IT OFF.
Alcohol is indeed the best part of being an adult. Sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is that no matter what happens to me, I know I can get a bottle of wine for $2.
Well… my brain is pissed at your fingers for saying all this shit before I did. I love it.
I don’t know what to say. I am suffering from defeatism a bit myself tonight. Why are these the only times I can actually write new songs while at my piano? My record is going to give people the impression I am a sad bastard.
I bet Zorro was a sad bastard under that mask.
Sad bastards are realists. And love a good bottle of scotch. Can I tag this comment? I feel jealous you can tag your entries but I can’t tag my comments. “No I’m Not Totally Drunk, But Dare Me Not to Be in an Hour.”
Fuck the letter Z, or Zed if you’re British.
The Plan: You be Zorro. I’ll be Icebox from Disney’s “Little Giants” (my childhood dream). We’ll take over the world. You swordfight, I’ll tackle. And all of this will be done drunkenly, naturally.
Again, your posts manage to be relevant yet hilarious at the same time. A perfect balance!
I want to delete my drunken comment above.
And the title of this entry makes me think of you dancing to “Losing My Religion” in black and white.
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Actually optimists are sad bastards.
Wow you’re blonde and look presumably drunk in that picture. Since this last post I’ve never really comprehended what atoning meant.
Thanks.
I need fresh air so I’ll go see a movie.
almie… you do have a point
screw social graces and society expectations… preach, girl
BUT WHO IS SHELBY?
Hahaaha that’s me in high school. Steel Magnolias, I played Shelby, for some reason they took polaroids of us.
AHAHAHA genius. Hemingway would’ve been all over Twitter (except he would’ve knocked off the first and last character of each tweet before posting).
Love it!! The response to lady gaga is dead on.. ha!
I’m seriously starting to believe that the key to happiness is living in the moment. Fuck the past because it’s over and fuck the future because you can’t predict it. The problem is that living in the moment is only fun when you’re living in a fun moment. FML I have no answers. And as much as I love Lady Gaga I think you may be right not to take advice from her. She wears meat as clothing.
You win an internets for “I REST MY PANTS.” That is awesome.
That’s all I got.
I agree with Greg ^
I’m going to have to steal that from you, it’s great.